to you! And I didn’t say you’re a girl, I said you sound like a girl.”
He stood up. “I’m a goddamn idiot. I keep doing this. Just setting myself up to get knocked down. Over and fucking over. You think I would have learned by now, but no, I keep doing the same damn thing hoping that one day you’ll actually validate my feelings and our marriage, and that makes me a moron. You never wanted to marry me in the first place, you only did because I talked you into it, and you’re happy as a clam without me. I get it. I finally fucking get it.”
Suzanne leaped out of her chair, too, shocked at the words coming from Ryder’s mouth. “You get nothing! I did not marry you because you talked me into it. I was dying to marry you, but I didn’t want you to think I was trying to trap you. I was a poor girl who got knocked up on our first date and you were an up-and-coming race car driver . . .”
She almost blurted out that she hadn’t been good enough for him, but she stopped herself just shy of that. He didn’t need to know her deepest insecurities at this point.
Ryder’s anger deflated, and his shoulders slumped. “I never thought of you as a poor girl who got knocked up. I thought of you as the woman I loved, and it was . . . bad when you lost the baby.”
Tears were suddenly in her eyes, and fuck, she didn’t want to go there. That had been the worst day of her life, when she had realized she was bleeding out the baby she and Ryder had conceived. This was something they had never really talked about, and she sure in the hell didn’t want to now, when it no longer mattered.
“It was bad. Very bad. But there was good between us, too. I wanted to marry you. Can we just leave it at that?”
His hands opened and closed in fists at his side, and his jaw shifted, but he just nodded. “Yeah. We can leave it at that.”
The doorbell rang.
“Fuck me,” Suzanne said, in exasperation. This conversation didn’t feel even remotely finished, yet she didn’t know what else to say. “That’s Nikki. We’re going to look at hotel ballrooms this afternoon.”
“I’m leaving anyway.” Ryder headed to the door and Suzanne followed him.
She wanted to say something to defuse his anger, to finally, after two years, reach a real level of friendship with him, but she didn’t know how to do that. She never had, and while she cared a hell of a lot about Ryder, the truth was, they didn’t seem to know how to be in each other’s lives.
Nikki was smiling when she pulled open the door. “Hi, Suzanne. Hi, Ryder. What are you doing here?”
Ryder pulled his keys out of pocket. “Suzanne and I just had some business to take care of, but I’m heading out now.”
“You know, for being divorced you guys spend a lot of time together. It’s kind of weird.” Nikki stepped into the house, her nose wrinkled. Then her eyes got bigger. “Ooooh, I get it. You have sex with each other!”
Suzanne wished.
Or did she?
There was that whole complicated issue, as was evidenced by the circular argument about nothing they’d just had. “We don’t have sex,” she told Nikki.
“No, because I’m a girl,” Ryder said, shooting her a look as he skirted around Nikki and stepped out onto her front stoop.
Suzanne rolled her eyes. He was never going to let that one go. “Well, you’re certainly pouting like one right now.”
“That’s a joke, right?” Nikki clutched her giant handbag that probably cost the same as a small house on half an acre and twittered nervously. She looked downright scared at the thought that maybe Ryder was a very masculine and hairy woman.
“Yes, it’s a joke.” Suzanne had no patience to explain humor to Nikki. Or to get her to understand that there was clearly tension between herself and Ryder and that maybe she should excuse herself for a minute.
That kind of subtlety was beyond this one.
Ryder was leaving, just heading on down the walkway without a word. “Well, good-bye!” she called.
He stood up. “I’m a goddamn idiot. I keep doing this. Just setting myself up to get knocked down. Over and fucking over. You think I would have learned by now, but no, I keep doing the same damn thing hoping that one day you’ll actually validate my feelings and our marriage, and that makes me a moron. You never wanted to marry me in the first place, you only did because I talked you into it, and you’re happy as a clam without me. I get it. I finally fucking get it.”
Suzanne leaped out of her chair, too, shocked at the words coming from Ryder’s mouth. “You get nothing! I did not marry you because you talked me into it. I was dying to marry you, but I didn’t want you to think I was trying to trap you. I was a poor girl who got knocked up on our first date and you were an up-and-coming race car driver . . .”
She almost blurted out that she hadn’t been good enough for him, but she stopped herself just shy of that. He didn’t need to know her deepest insecurities at this point.
Ryder’s anger deflated, and his shoulders slumped. “I never thought of you as a poor girl who got knocked up. I thought of you as the woman I loved, and it was . . . bad when you lost the baby.”
Tears were suddenly in her eyes, and fuck, she didn’t want to go there. That had been the worst day of her life, when she had realized she was bleeding out the baby she and Ryder had conceived. This was something they had never really talked about, and she sure in the hell didn’t want to now, when it no longer mattered.
“It was bad. Very bad. But there was good between us, too. I wanted to marry you. Can we just leave it at that?”
His hands opened and closed in fists at his side, and his jaw shifted, but he just nodded. “Yeah. We can leave it at that.”
The doorbell rang.
“Fuck me,” Suzanne said, in exasperation. This conversation didn’t feel even remotely finished, yet she didn’t know what else to say. “That’s Nikki. We’re going to look at hotel ballrooms this afternoon.”
“I’m leaving anyway.” Ryder headed to the door and Suzanne followed him.
She wanted to say something to defuse his anger, to finally, after two years, reach a real level of friendship with him, but she didn’t know how to do that. She never had, and while she cared a hell of a lot about Ryder, the truth was, they didn’t seem to know how to be in each other’s lives.
Nikki was smiling when she pulled open the door. “Hi, Suzanne. Hi, Ryder. What are you doing here?”
Ryder pulled his keys out of pocket. “Suzanne and I just had some business to take care of, but I’m heading out now.”
“You know, for being divorced you guys spend a lot of time together. It’s kind of weird.” Nikki stepped into the house, her nose wrinkled. Then her eyes got bigger. “Ooooh, I get it. You have sex with each other!”
Suzanne wished.
Or did she?
There was that whole complicated issue, as was evidenced by the circular argument about nothing they’d just had. “We don’t have sex,” she told Nikki.
“No, because I’m a girl,” Ryder said, shooting her a look as he skirted around Nikki and stepped out onto her front stoop.
Suzanne rolled her eyes. He was never going to let that one go. “Well, you’re certainly pouting like one right now.”
“That’s a joke, right?” Nikki clutched her giant handbag that probably cost the same as a small house on half an acre and twittered nervously. She looked downright scared at the thought that maybe Ryder was a very masculine and hairy woman.
“Yes, it’s a joke.” Suzanne had no patience to explain humor to Nikki. Or to get her to understand that there was clearly tension between herself and Ryder and that maybe she should excuse herself for a minute.
That kind of subtlety was beyond this one.
Ryder was leaving, just heading on down the walkway without a word. “Well, good-bye!” she called.
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