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Authors: Janice Kay Johnson
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children would be
secure, with a comfortable roof over their heads and food on the table. She
would have time for Jesse and Anna, time to remember who she really was. She
could mean something to Emma, too, who needed to feel secure as badly as Marian
did. And John would be there, perhaps gradually letting her know him beneath
that self-possessed, humorous facade. Did he ever lose his temper? Laugh until
he cried? Mourn? Ache with loneliness?
Marian sat there staring
stupidly up at father and daughter, seeing a vision. The five of them together,
a man, a woman, and their children. Dinner-table conversations, silly, serious,
in between. Good-byes and good mornings. Making his bed, folding his laundry.
School open houses, horseback rides.
A family. Dear God, that was
what she wanted so badly that she ached. So badly that there was no way on
earth she could accept what he had offered, because it would never be enough.
She didn't want to work for him, relegated to belowstairs. She didn't want to
accept a paycheck once a week, smile pleasantly when he took another woman out
to dinner, discreetly absent herself when required. She wanted everything, his
passion and his anger, the prosaic with the tempestuous.
What he had offered instead
would hurt too badly. If Crystal's parents or Lizzie's parents had offered the
same deal, she would have accepted. Would have had to accept, for Jesse and
Anna's sake. From John McRae, she couldn't.
But forcing the words out was
bitterly hard. Her voice was husky from the effort, and her fingernails bit
into her palms. "I ... I appreciate your asking. It's very kind of you.
But I'm afraid I...I have to say no."
Emma's face fell so
ludicrously it might have been funny in other circumstances. A frown gathered
between John's dark brows, though Marian couldn't tell whether he was annoyed
or dismayed.
"Will you think about
it?" he asked. "I can promise you I'd be a considerate employer. It's
a practical solution for both of us."
Marian stood. "I know
you'd be kind to Jesse and Anna and me. Of course you would be. It's..."
she swallowed and clasped her hands in front of her. "I just don't think
it's right for me. I've fought so hard to be on my own. Working for you and
living with you, too, would make me feel dependent. As though I had given up. Do
you understand?"
He didn't answer right away,
but studied her with a frowning gaze. At last his mouth twitched ruefully.
"I understand. That doesn't mean I like your answer. And I won't promise
to accept it."
Marian felt a tiny spark of
leavening humor. "Please don't make me feel like a football."
"Something I don't like
fumbling?" His smile was as wry as hers. "It's...a little more
complicated than that."
What did he mean? Marian
wished she knew exactly what he had been offering in the first place. She
couldn't have misread the desire she'd seen in his eyes. Had he imagined that
sharing his bed would be part of the deal? Or did he simply feel sorry for her?
Marian told herself that it didn't matter. Either way, his offer wasn't for
her. Her pride wouldn't let her accept his charity, and she was afraid to
accept his desire. She would only want more.
And if he offered more... She
was afraid of that, too. How could she trust him? He was a man, just like Mark.
A man, she had to remind herself, who was offering her a job so that he could
more conveniently abandon his daughter half of every week.
"I'm sorry," she
said to Emma. She put her hands on each side of the girl's face and tilted her
chin up so that her brown eyes, swimming with tears, met Marian's. "You
know what?" she said softly. "I'd love to go home with you. But you
wouldn't need me for very long. And then we'd have to say goodbye, and that
would be hard. We can be better friends this way."
Emma gave a small, jerky nod
and stepped back. Her hand clung tightly to her father's. Marian looked up from
Emma's averted face to John's. Their eyes met, and she saw something
disconcerting there before
secure, with a comfortable roof over their heads and food on the table. She
would have time for Jesse and Anna, time to remember who she really was. She
could mean something to Emma, too, who needed to feel secure as badly as Marian
did. And John would be there, perhaps gradually letting her know him beneath
that self-possessed, humorous facade. Did he ever lose his temper? Laugh until
he cried? Mourn? Ache with loneliness?
Marian sat there staring
stupidly up at father and daughter, seeing a vision. The five of them together,
a man, a woman, and their children. Dinner-table conversations, silly, serious,
in between. Good-byes and good mornings. Making his bed, folding his laundry.
School open houses, horseback rides.
A family. Dear God, that was
what she wanted so badly that she ached. So badly that there was no way on
earth she could accept what he had offered, because it would never be enough.
She didn't want to work for him, relegated to belowstairs. She didn't want to
accept a paycheck once a week, smile pleasantly when he took another woman out
to dinner, discreetly absent herself when required. She wanted everything, his
passion and his anger, the prosaic with the tempestuous.
What he had offered instead
would hurt too badly. If Crystal's parents or Lizzie's parents had offered the
same deal, she would have accepted. Would have had to accept, for Jesse and
Anna's sake. From John McRae, she couldn't.
But forcing the words out was
bitterly hard. Her voice was husky from the effort, and her fingernails bit
into her palms. "I ... I appreciate your asking. It's very kind of you.
But I'm afraid I...I have to say no."
Emma's face fell so
ludicrously it might have been funny in other circumstances. A frown gathered
between John's dark brows, though Marian couldn't tell whether he was annoyed
or dismayed.
"Will you think about
it?" he asked. "I can promise you I'd be a considerate employer. It's
a practical solution for both of us."
Marian stood. "I know
you'd be kind to Jesse and Anna and me. Of course you would be. It's..."
she swallowed and clasped her hands in front of her. "I just don't think
it's right for me. I've fought so hard to be on my own. Working for you and
living with you, too, would make me feel dependent. As though I had given up. Do
you understand?"
He didn't answer right away,
but studied her with a frowning gaze. At last his mouth twitched ruefully.
"I understand. That doesn't mean I like your answer. And I won't promise
to accept it."
Marian felt a tiny spark of
leavening humor. "Please don't make me feel like a football."
"Something I don't like
fumbling?" His smile was as wry as hers. "It's...a little more
complicated than that."
What did he mean? Marian
wished she knew exactly what he had been offering in the first place. She
couldn't have misread the desire she'd seen in his eyes. Had he imagined that
sharing his bed would be part of the deal? Or did he simply feel sorry for her?
Marian told herself that it didn't matter. Either way, his offer wasn't for
her. Her pride wouldn't let her accept his charity, and she was afraid to
accept his desire. She would only want more.
And if he offered more... She
was afraid of that, too. How could she trust him? He was a man, just like Mark.
A man, she had to remind herself, who was offering her a job so that he could
more conveniently abandon his daughter half of every week.
"I'm sorry," she
said to Emma. She put her hands on each side of the girl's face and tilted her
chin up so that her brown eyes, swimming with tears, met Marian's. "You
know what?" she said softly. "I'd love to go home with you. But you
wouldn't need me for very long. And then we'd have to say goodbye, and that
would be hard. We can be better friends this way."
Emma gave a small, jerky nod
and stepped back. Her hand clung tightly to her father's. Marian looked up from
Emma's averted face to John's. Their eyes met, and she saw something
disconcerting there before
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