let me finish, instead putting his hands on his hips. “Fantastic, huh? Exploiting a man’s romantic hopes while making us all look like a bunch of mutated freaks just for the viewing pleasure of Jane Couch Potato is fantastic, huh? You get a kick out of that, do you?” he asked, his voice rising high enough that the Real Housewives all stared.
“ Uh, well, I didn’t really mean—”
“ You think making a mockery of little people is funny? Medical conditions are so entertaining? Maybe you should go yuck it up in a cancer ward!”
Suddenly I was pretty sure the rumors of him being a hothead where not exaggerated.
“ Hey, calm down, pal. I have nothing but respect for little people. Look, I’m only five-foot-one,” I said, standing up.
He narrowed his eyes at me.
I sat back down. “Yeah, okay, I know. Not the same thing.”
“ No. It’s not,” he said, shoving the kitten heel on my left foot with a little more force than was strictly necessary. I winced but kept my mouth shut. Obviously Gary’s strong reaction to the mention of the show was proof I might be on to something here.
“ If the show was such an exploitation, why did you agree to be on it?” I asked.
“ Oh, the producers had a totally different spin when they pitched it to me, let me tell you. It was all about showing the world that little people are no different than anyone else. That love comes in all sizes. What a crock!”
“ I take it that wasn’t what the show ended up being.”
“ Hell, no!”
The brunette housewife jumped in her seat at his words.
But Gary plowed ahead. “The producers took every chance they could to make me look like an idiot. They even said I had anger issues, can you believe that? Me!”
“ Shocker.”
“ Anyway, the whole dammed thing was rigged from the start.”
“ Rigged?”
“ Staged. Set up. Barker had a real loose interpretation of the word ‘reality’.”
“ So, it was scripted?”
“ Well, no.”
“ You were told who to give your rose to?”
“ Not exactly.”
“ You were told who to vote off?”
“ No.”
“ Then I’m not following the whole rigged thing,” I admitted.
“ Look, lady, ever heard of editing?”
I ignored the attitude, instead encouraging him. “Go on.”
“ What they filmed was real enough, but they edited the footage to sell the story the producer wanted to tell. Everything we said was taken out of context. I’d say something to one girl, and they’d make it look in editing like I was talking to someone else. They made me look like a total asshole! What the public saw was not what really happened, you know?”
I nodded. “Okay, so what really happened?”
“ What really happened was that I was stuck in a house with twenty bimbo wannabe actresses. Like I was really gonna find love with one of them.”
I thought back to the few photos I’d seen on IMDB. “You didn’t look all that put out when you were in the hot tub with Mandy. And Tandy. And Candy.”
“ Well, I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. I’m a sensitive guy,” he said, putting one hand over his heart.
Uh-huh.
“ Only now,” he went on, “my love life is completely ruined, thanks to Barker.”
“ How so?”
“ What are you, stupid? Weren’t you listening? He told the world I was some hot-tempered little freak!”
I gave him a look.
“ I do not have anger issues!” His face turned bright red, a vein just above his right eyebrow pulsing wildly.
Two Housewives grabbed their purses and scuttled out of the store.
“ What about the woman you picked at the end of the show?” I pressed. “Didn’t you propose to her?”
“ Oh, sure. Only, turns out she was just on the show to launch her career as a country singer. She was no more real than Barker. And what’s worse, I had to pay for that engagement ring
Philip Kerr
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