Read Online Help! A Bear Is Eating Me! by Mykle Hansen - Free Book Online Page B

cluster of twig-snaps it enters the clearing. I hear its animal breath, quiet but labored. It sounds winded, tired … running from something? Running from the hunt? Are my useless team members in pursuit of this bear, chasing it through the night with their night-vision goggles? … no, my useless team members don’t chase bears through the night, they wait around for bears to show up near lunchtime, the lazy dumbshits. This bear though … or whatever it is … is coming closer, walking on its hind legs, sniffing the air … approaching … it smells me, it knows I’m here.
    God dammit! I don’t just dislike bears, you know, I HATE them. Hate them hate them hate them! I’m not putting up with this! I am losing it, losing my cool. No more mister nice Marv! If that bear gets another step closer I’m going to confront it with a display of strength: a mighty vicious roar, animal to animal. You want a piece of me buddy? You want a piece of me? You’re fucking with the wrong Homo, buster. Sapiens, that is.
    Enough is enough. Don’t come any closer! I mean it! I have had it with you bears! I am through! Finito! Over and out! I will not be intimidated, I will not be frightened and I will sure as hell not be eaten!
    Look out! Stand back! I am focusing all my rage, all my anger! I am reaching down deep, deep into the inner Marv, the Ur-Marv, down into the collective might of my warrior ancestors! I am summoning the Beast ! You want the Beast ? You want a piece of the Beast ? One more step and you get the Beast ! The Beast inside Marv! The fire! The ancient anger! It’s rising up, through my heart, my lungs, my larynx, my teeth! Here it comes …
    “AwooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
    How do you like that ? That’s the motherfucking Beast , baby! Think twice before you mess with that !
    Still think you’re tough? Show me what you got … oh please! You call that a roar? You sound like a terrified walrus! Like Edna having a panic attack! Ha ha! Girly bear! Does girly bear want to fuck with the Beast ? Look out, here it comes again …
    “AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO — ”
    BOOM!
    An explosion! The Beast wonders what the fuck is up with that, but the Beast doesn’t care! The Beast is raging! Feel the rage …
    “AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO — ”
    BOOM!
    Another one! Crazy … that must be the sound of the fire within, being unleashed! Wow, the Beast is hot tonight!
    “Ah-WOOOOWAWAWAWOWOWOWowo — ”
    Ow! Ouch! Okay, the Beast felt that! Right in the hip! That hurt! Dammit! How dare you hurt the Beast ! Now the Beast is really mad —
    Aaah! Bright blinding light! No! The Beast can’t see! The fire inside must really be raging out of control now …
    Ohmigod … MARV!
    … the rage! The fire …
    FRANKIE! FRANKIE! WHERE ARE YOU OMIGOD I SHOT MARV!
    … the anger, the aggrivation …
    MARV! MARV! IT’S ME! I’M HERE! IT’S JUST ME! … the annoyance, the stupidity, the nagging …
    FRANKIE! MARV’S HERE! HE’S UNDER THE CAR! I SHOT HIM!
    … the fat, the ugly, the stupid …
    MARVIE!! MARVIE PUDDING?! DON’T DIE! OPEN YOUR EYES!
    Ladies and gentlemen, meet Edna. My cream puff. My sweetness. The fat in my bacon. The bullet in my hip.
    So … I’m rescued. Like that. I realize that I should be excited about this. Of course I’m excited! I’m saved! Saved by … god dammit, why did she shoot me? That is classic Edna. And now she’s shining a Mag-Light right in my face, and screaming my name over and over. Thanks, that helps. But … it doesn’t matter. If Frank’s really with her, then I’m really saved.
    Saved! Unless I’m dreaming again. No, please … finally, finally, they’re here! Ignore the wife, think about the rescue! Oh, sweet rescue! I’m going to a beautiful hospital, in a city where there are no bears and hardly any trees. A beautiful American hospital where the nurses have tight asses and you’re surrounded by expensive machinery that glows and beeps with power, and they never run out of OxySufnix, and animals are not