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Authors: Jane Davis
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this time."
After that I only pretended to be asleep. We drove what
seemed to be a long way, before my mother pulled over.
I heard her say, "I can't do it, I can't do it," a few times
before she hit the palms of her hands against the steering
wheel and then started crying. I think she said, "I
have to do it," at that point. I asked her what was wrong
and she said it was nothing and that she would figure
everything out. Then she locked me in the car while she
went to use a phone box saying that she'd only be a
minute.
'She was long enough for me to start to panic that she
wasn't coming back for me. I thought that she meant to
leave me. I was cold and tired and soon I was crying out
for her and banging on the windows. When she came
back she told me that we were going home, and that we
would have to be very quiet because Daddy was sleeping
and we didn't want to wake him up. After she put
me to bed, I heard my dad asking where she had been.
It wasn't like he was cross. I think he just woke up when
she got back into bed. My mother told him that I hadn't
been able to sleep so she had taken me out in the car for
a drive because that always worked. I knew that my
mother had lied to my father and I didn't know why. I
can remember feeling sick to my stomach.'
'And you think that this might be the reason?'
'I don't know.' I shook my head. 'I just wonder if
everything was quite as perfect as I thought it was.'
'Oh, your parents loved each other.' Lydia dismissed
my doubts. 'That much was obvious to everyone.'
'I know.' I thought of them giggling in the car like
teenagers on that last day. 'I'm just not sure what
happened along the way.'
'Life!' Lydia said. 'It's what happens to all of us.
Throws up all sorts of nasty surprises just when you
least expect them, I'm afraid.'
Chapter Eleven
My parents hadn't been religious, but the question of
whether to have a Christian funeral divided relatives
into two distinct camps. Grandma Fellows felt that my
father had been raised as a Christian and did not accept
that his decisions to marry in a register office and not to
have his daughter christened meant that he had rejected
his religion. Aunty Faye felt exactly the opposite. Nana,
given her presumed state of mind, was not consulted
but both sides insisted that she would have given them
her full support. They also found my failure to come
down for or against either option deeply frustrating.
Frankly, I thought that they were all wasting their
breath. Nothing could alter what had happened. If there
was a God, a concept that I was not very receptive to,
and he worked on the basis that how we behave in this
life affects our chances in the next, what difference did
it make how those of us left behind said our goodbyes?
Besides, if I had anything at all to say to God at that
time, it certainly wouldn't have been a prayer in the
traditional sense of the word.
A black limo collected our party from Aunty Faye's
flat, as she felt it best that Nana did not return to the
'family home'. Nana looked immaculate in a black suit,
with a pashmina around her shoulders and a pillbox
hat. She was so beautifully turned out that it was
difficult to remember that she was not quite with it.
'Now, Mum, do you remember where we're going
today?' Aunty Faye asked, adjusting the collar of Nana's
jacket.
'Tom and Laura's. We're going to Tom and Laura's.'
Aunty Faye looked at me, widening her eyes and
raising her eyebrows.
'We used to live together, you know,' Nana confided
in me as we walked to the car, showing no sign of recognition.
I tucked my hand under her elbow. 'This is my
other daughter, Faye. I never had any sons, but I had a
grandson once.' It seemed that I had been completely
wiped out. Maybe she was aware that there was a delete
button to be pressed in the recesses of her mind, but she
had hit the wrong one.
As we approached the line of limos, I halted as the
twin coffins came into view. An abundance of floral
tributes could not disguise them. Suddenly
After that I only pretended to be asleep. We drove what
seemed to be a long way, before my mother pulled over.
I heard her say, "I can't do it, I can't do it," a few times
before she hit the palms of her hands against the steering
wheel and then started crying. I think she said, "I
have to do it," at that point. I asked her what was wrong
and she said it was nothing and that she would figure
everything out. Then she locked me in the car while she
went to use a phone box saying that she'd only be a
minute.
'She was long enough for me to start to panic that she
wasn't coming back for me. I thought that she meant to
leave me. I was cold and tired and soon I was crying out
for her and banging on the windows. When she came
back she told me that we were going home, and that we
would have to be very quiet because Daddy was sleeping
and we didn't want to wake him up. After she put
me to bed, I heard my dad asking where she had been.
It wasn't like he was cross. I think he just woke up when
she got back into bed. My mother told him that I hadn't
been able to sleep so she had taken me out in the car for
a drive because that always worked. I knew that my
mother had lied to my father and I didn't know why. I
can remember feeling sick to my stomach.'
'And you think that this might be the reason?'
'I don't know.' I shook my head. 'I just wonder if
everything was quite as perfect as I thought it was.'
'Oh, your parents loved each other.' Lydia dismissed
my doubts. 'That much was obvious to everyone.'
'I know.' I thought of them giggling in the car like
teenagers on that last day. 'I'm just not sure what
happened along the way.'
'Life!' Lydia said. 'It's what happens to all of us.
Throws up all sorts of nasty surprises just when you
least expect them, I'm afraid.'
Chapter Eleven
My parents hadn't been religious, but the question of
whether to have a Christian funeral divided relatives
into two distinct camps. Grandma Fellows felt that my
father had been raised as a Christian and did not accept
that his decisions to marry in a register office and not to
have his daughter christened meant that he had rejected
his religion. Aunty Faye felt exactly the opposite. Nana,
given her presumed state of mind, was not consulted
but both sides insisted that she would have given them
her full support. They also found my failure to come
down for or against either option deeply frustrating.
Frankly, I thought that they were all wasting their
breath. Nothing could alter what had happened. If there
was a God, a concept that I was not very receptive to,
and he worked on the basis that how we behave in this
life affects our chances in the next, what difference did
it make how those of us left behind said our goodbyes?
Besides, if I had anything at all to say to God at that
time, it certainly wouldn't have been a prayer in the
traditional sense of the word.
A black limo collected our party from Aunty Faye's
flat, as she felt it best that Nana did not return to the
'family home'. Nana looked immaculate in a black suit,
with a pashmina around her shoulders and a pillbox
hat. She was so beautifully turned out that it was
difficult to remember that she was not quite with it.
'Now, Mum, do you remember where we're going
today?' Aunty Faye asked, adjusting the collar of Nana's
jacket.
'Tom and Laura's. We're going to Tom and Laura's.'
Aunty Faye looked at me, widening her eyes and
raising her eyebrows.
'We used to live together, you know,' Nana confided
in me as we walked to the car, showing no sign of recognition.
I tucked my hand under her elbow. 'This is my
other daughter, Faye. I never had any sons, but I had a
grandson once.' It seemed that I had been completely
wiped out. Maybe she was aware that there was a delete
button to be pressed in the recesses of her mind, but she
had hit the wrong one.
As we approached the line of limos, I halted as the
twin coffins came into view. An abundance of floral
tributes could not disguise them. Suddenly
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