Read Online Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett - Free Book Online Page A

don’t worry about it,” said Nobby. “Everyone’s got their little secret. Or big secret, as it might be. Even the captain. He’s only with us because he was Brung Low by a Woman. That’s what the sergeant says. Brung low.”
    “Goodness,” said Carrot. It sounded painful.
    “But I reckon it’s ’cos he speaks his mind. Spoke it once too often to the Patrician, I heard. Said the Thieves’ Guild was nothing but a pack of thieves, or something. That’s why he’s with us. Dunno, really.” He looked speculatively at the pavement and then said: “So where’re you staying, lad?”
    “There’s a lady called Mrs. Palm—” Carrot began.
    Nobby choked on some smoke that went the wrong way.
    “In the Shades?” he wheezed. “You’re staying there ?”
    “Oh, yes.”
    “Every night ?”
    “Well, every day, really. Yes.”
    “And you’ve come here to have a man made of you?”
    “Yes!”
    “I don’t think I should like to live where you come from,” said Nobby.
    “Look,” said Carrot, thoroughly lost, “I came because Mr. Varneshi said it was the finest job in the world, upholding the law and everything. That’s right, isn’t it?”
    “Well, er,” said Nobby. “As to that…I mean, upholding the Law…I mean, once , yes, before we had all the Guilds and stuff…the law, sort of thing, ain’t really, I mean, these days, everything’s more…oh, I dunno. Basically you just ring your bell and keep your head down.”
    Nobby sighed. Then he grunted, snatched his hourglass from his belt, and peered in at the rapidly-draining sand grains. He put it back, pulled the leather muffler off his bell’s clapper, and shook it once or twice, not very loudly.
    “Twelve of the clock,” he muttered, “and all’s well.”
    “And that’s it, is it?” said Carrot, as the tiny echoes died away.
    “More or less. More or less.” Nobby took a quick drag on his dog-end.
    “Just that? No moonlight chases across rooftops? No swinging on chandeliers? Nothing like that?” said Carrot.
    “Shouldn’t think so,” said Nobby fervently. “I never done anything like that. No-one ever said anything to me about that.” He snatched a puff on the cigarette. “A man could catch his death of cold, chasing around on rooftops. I reckon I’ll stick to the bell, if it’s all the same to you.”
    “Can I have a go?” said Carrot.
    Nobby was feeling unbalanced. It can be the only reason why he made the mistake of wordlessly handing Carrot the bell.
    Carrot examined it for a few seconds. Then he waved it vigorously over his head.
    “Twelve o’clock!” he bellowed. “And all’s weeeeelllll!”
    The echoes bounced back and forth across the street and finally were overwhelmed by a horrible, thick silence. Several dogs barked somewhere in the night. A baby started crying.
    “Ssshh!” hissed Nobby.
    “Well, it is all well, isn’t it?” said Carrot.
    “It won’t be if you keep on ringing that bloody bell! Give it here.”
    “I don’t understand!” said Carrot. “Look, I’ve got this book Mr. Varneshi gave me—” He fumbled for the Laws and Ordinances.
    Nobby glanced at them, and shrugged. “Never heard of ’em,” he said. “Now just shut up your row. You don’t want to go making a din like that. You could attract all sorts. Come on, this way.”
    He grabbed Carrot’s arm and bustled him along the street.
    “What sorts?” protested Carrot as he was pushed determinedly forward.
    “Bad sorts,” muttered Nobby.
    “But we’re the Watch !”
    “Damn right! And we don’t want to go tangling with people like that! Remember what happened to Gaskin!”
    “I don’t remember what happened to Gaskin!” said Carrot, totally bewildered. “Who’s Gaskin?”
    “Before your time,” mumbled Nobby. He deflated a bit. “Poor bugger. Could of happened to any of us.” He looked up and glared at Carrot. “Now stop all this, you hear? It’s getting on my nerves. Moonlight bloody chases, my bum!”
    He stalked