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Authors: Raven St. Pierre
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I replied carelessly.
AJ looked at me thoughtfully as if he was trying to decipher the true meaning behind my words, but he didn’t say anything. Replaying my own statement in my head, I stared off into space. What could happen by then ? I uncrossed my legs and stretched out on my side with my feet hanging off the bed.
“Finally,” AJ sighed.
“Finally what?”
“It’s been like over an hour and you’re just now getting comfortable around me.”
“I was never uncomfortable,” I said defensively.
“Yeah, okay.” He flashed that smile again.
“I was just…..being cautious.”
“Cautious?” He asked. “That’s an interesting word choice.”
I sighed and then continued. “You make me…..act differently than I usually do.”
“What’s that mean?” He stared at me inquisitively as when he asked.
“I don’t know…..I just don’t seem to do what I know I should when it comes to you.”
He smiled. “I still don’t understand.”
“Like responding to your text last night; like asking you to call me when I’m already in a relationship with Antonio; like you being here for instance; I know that this is all wrong, and yet…..here you are,” I said, motioning toward him with my hand. There was a brief silence as I decided to admit more than I’d originally intended. “You even have my feelings all mixed up.”
AJ gazed at me thoughtfully for a few seconds while he considered everything I’d just said. “As much as I don’t want to, would it make it easier for you if I backed off…..just left you alone?”
“ No! ” I replied a little too dramatically. “I’m just trying to make sense of everything, but I know that’s not the answer.” I couldn’t even consider it.
“Look, I’m really, really starting to like you, but I understand that you’re already involved with this Antonio guy. So, if you want me to leave you alone, I’ll do my best to give you your space.”
My thoughts drifted back to when I’d been so sure of everything, but even my desire for that peace to return was not enough to make me want him gone. I was past the point where that was even an option. I smiled at him reassuringly, and after staring into my eyes searching for any trace of doubt, he smiled back at me.
Our conversation went on flowing smoothly for the remainder of our visit together. We’d talked about our families a little more, our friends at school, our career plans for the future and the list goes on and on.
2:26 …..I didn’t have to remind AJ about the time. He sat up and slowly rose to his feet and in that same instant my nerves got the best of me again. It was time to say goodbye and I wasn’t clear on how that was supposed to go. Would he kiss me, or would he simply pat me on the back on his way out the door? I didn’t have to wonder for long. He reached for my hand and pulled me up off the bed. The next thing I know, his arms wrapped around my waist as he hugged me gently. I closed my eyes and tried to commit the feeling to memory, but it was almost too much for me to handle. If it weren’t for my parents coming home soon, I could have stayed this way with him for hours and still wouldn’t have grown tired of it. Eventually we separated ourselves and stood there only inches apart staring at each other for a long while.
“I guess I should go ,” AJ said. He was standing close enough to my face that I could’ve easily reached his lips, so I backed up a step to break the spell. He stared a moment longer before looking away. I turned to lead him down the stairs; neither of us speaking another word.
AJ looked at me thoughtfully as if he was trying to decipher the true meaning behind my words, but he didn’t say anything. Replaying my own statement in my head, I stared off into space. What could happen by then ? I uncrossed my legs and stretched out on my side with my feet hanging off the bed.
“Finally,” AJ sighed.
“Finally what?”
“It’s been like over an hour and you’re just now getting comfortable around me.”
“I was never uncomfortable,” I said defensively.
“Yeah, okay.” He flashed that smile again.
“I was just…..being cautious.”
“Cautious?” He asked. “That’s an interesting word choice.”
I sighed and then continued. “You make me…..act differently than I usually do.”
“What’s that mean?” He stared at me inquisitively as when he asked.
“I don’t know…..I just don’t seem to do what I know I should when it comes to you.”
He smiled. “I still don’t understand.”
“Like responding to your text last night; like asking you to call me when I’m already in a relationship with Antonio; like you being here for instance; I know that this is all wrong, and yet…..here you are,” I said, motioning toward him with my hand. There was a brief silence as I decided to admit more than I’d originally intended. “You even have my feelings all mixed up.”
AJ gazed at me thoughtfully for a few seconds while he considered everything I’d just said. “As much as I don’t want to, would it make it easier for you if I backed off…..just left you alone?”
“ No! ” I replied a little too dramatically. “I’m just trying to make sense of everything, but I know that’s not the answer.” I couldn’t even consider it.
“Look, I’m really, really starting to like you, but I understand that you’re already involved with this Antonio guy. So, if you want me to leave you alone, I’ll do my best to give you your space.”
My thoughts drifted back to when I’d been so sure of everything, but even my desire for that peace to return was not enough to make me want him gone. I was past the point where that was even an option. I smiled at him reassuringly, and after staring into my eyes searching for any trace of doubt, he smiled back at me.
Our conversation went on flowing smoothly for the remainder of our visit together. We’d talked about our families a little more, our friends at school, our career plans for the future and the list goes on and on.
2:26 …..I didn’t have to remind AJ about the time. He sat up and slowly rose to his feet and in that same instant my nerves got the best of me again. It was time to say goodbye and I wasn’t clear on how that was supposed to go. Would he kiss me, or would he simply pat me on the back on his way out the door? I didn’t have to wonder for long. He reached for my hand and pulled me up off the bed. The next thing I know, his arms wrapped around my waist as he hugged me gently. I closed my eyes and tried to commit the feeling to memory, but it was almost too much for me to handle. If it weren’t for my parents coming home soon, I could have stayed this way with him for hours and still wouldn’t have grown tired of it. Eventually we separated ourselves and stood there only inches apart staring at each other for a long while.
“I guess I should go ,” AJ said. He was standing close enough to my face that I could’ve easily reached his lips, so I backed up a step to break the spell. He stared a moment longer before looking away. I turned to lead him down the stairs; neither of us speaking another word.
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