shaking and crying hysterically.
“Hurry, please.”
“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll be
right there,” she said, hanging up before I could fill her in any more. I slid
down to the floor, pulled my knees to my chest and just rocked myself back and
forth.
My thoughts raced, “I didn’t
want this, but I didn’t want this . This is my fault.” I couldn’t stop
the voice in my head. I tortured myself with fear and guilt until I heard the
ding of the elevator down the hall. I went to the door to unlock it and let
Sarah in.
“Nolan, what’s wro…” she took
one look at me, and suddenly she knew. My lips were quivering now, and I was
shivering uncontrollably. “Nolan, it’s okay. Come here. It’s okay.”
Sarah was talking softly now. In
an instant, I became a scared child, fragile and broken. She pulled me into her
arms and cradled me, stroking my hair back behind my ears and holding my head
to her shoulder. We stayed like that for several minutes, light sobs coming
from me unexpectedly, and each time Sarah just squeezed me tighter and
whispered softly in my ear. “Shhhhh, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she
said, knowing it wouldn’t, but also knowing that those were the only words she
could say right now.
Over the next hour, Sarah helped
get me in the shower while she discarded my clothes and changed my bed sheets.
I lay awake with my head resting in her lap until the sun started to brighten
my curtains. Sarah didn’t sleep either, but instead sat awake with me, just
stroking my hair and whispering whatever I needed to hear in my ear. When my
alarm clicked on at 6 a.m., the time I usually got up to head to the gym, I
reached over and slapped it off.
I rolled my head to look up at
Sarah through my puffy eyes. She was a mirror of me. “I have to go see Reed,” I
was matter-of-fact. “He’s the only one that can make this okay.”
I started to cry again a little,
but sucked back the tears long enough to push myself up from the bed and walk
to my dresser.
“Are you sure that’s a good
idea?” Sarah said, her voice careful and full of caution.
I just looked down into my open
drawer and stared endlessly at my socks and running shorts and sports bras. My
drawer was full of youth. Isn’t this what I wanted? We weren’t ready for this.
But…this way? The guilt was pounding away at my heart, and each time it did, I
fought to not break down in tears again.
“I need to see him. I just do,”
I said to Sarah, turning and shaking my head, biting my lip a little to help
hold myself together.
“I get it,” she said, standing
and bending to pick up my running shoes to hand them to me. “Let me help you
get ready.”
Sarah walked me all the way to
my car and offered several times to drive me. But I didn’t want her there for
any of this. I didn’t know how long it would take to be brave enough to tell
Reed everything. There was a chance I would stay parked in the middle of the
desert for hours before heading the rest of the way to his house.
I drove extra slow. In fact, I
was a little surprised when a cop parked on the side of the main highway just
let me pass without an inquisition; I was sure I was going at least 15 miles
under the speed limit. I powered through my doubts and pushed myself to drive
all the way to Reed’s house without stopping. I noticed the additional giant,
lifted four-wheel-drive pick up parked right in front of the main entrance. The
license plate read J-DAWG , confirming my suspicion that Jason was still
staying at the house.
Somehow, I managed to park and
get to my feet. I walked up to the front door three times, turning away with
each approach to head back to my car. My fourth attempt was successful and I
rang the bell. I didn’t hear anyone stirring for the first several seconds, so
I pressed my face to the obscured glass insert in the door. Finally, I saw some
movement coming towards me. When it cracked open, I was met with the last face
I expected to see. Dylan
“Hurry, please.”
“Okay, okay, calm down. I’ll be
right there,” she said, hanging up before I could fill her in any more. I slid
down to the floor, pulled my knees to my chest and just rocked myself back and
forth.
My thoughts raced, “I didn’t
want this, but I didn’t want this . This is my fault.” I couldn’t stop
the voice in my head. I tortured myself with fear and guilt until I heard the
ding of the elevator down the hall. I went to the door to unlock it and let
Sarah in.
“Nolan, what’s wro…” she took
one look at me, and suddenly she knew. My lips were quivering now, and I was
shivering uncontrollably. “Nolan, it’s okay. Come here. It’s okay.”
Sarah was talking softly now. In
an instant, I became a scared child, fragile and broken. She pulled me into her
arms and cradled me, stroking my hair back behind my ears and holding my head
to her shoulder. We stayed like that for several minutes, light sobs coming
from me unexpectedly, and each time Sarah just squeezed me tighter and
whispered softly in my ear. “Shhhhh, it’s okay. It’s going to be okay,” she
said, knowing it wouldn’t, but also knowing that those were the only words she
could say right now.
Over the next hour, Sarah helped
get me in the shower while she discarded my clothes and changed my bed sheets.
I lay awake with my head resting in her lap until the sun started to brighten
my curtains. Sarah didn’t sleep either, but instead sat awake with me, just
stroking my hair and whispering whatever I needed to hear in my ear. When my
alarm clicked on at 6 a.m., the time I usually got up to head to the gym, I
reached over and slapped it off.
I rolled my head to look up at
Sarah through my puffy eyes. She was a mirror of me. “I have to go see Reed,” I
was matter-of-fact. “He’s the only one that can make this okay.”
I started to cry again a little,
but sucked back the tears long enough to push myself up from the bed and walk
to my dresser.
“Are you sure that’s a good
idea?” Sarah said, her voice careful and full of caution.
I just looked down into my open
drawer and stared endlessly at my socks and running shorts and sports bras. My
drawer was full of youth. Isn’t this what I wanted? We weren’t ready for this.
But…this way? The guilt was pounding away at my heart, and each time it did, I
fought to not break down in tears again.
“I need to see him. I just do,”
I said to Sarah, turning and shaking my head, biting my lip a little to help
hold myself together.
“I get it,” she said, standing
and bending to pick up my running shoes to hand them to me. “Let me help you
get ready.”
Sarah walked me all the way to
my car and offered several times to drive me. But I didn’t want her there for
any of this. I didn’t know how long it would take to be brave enough to tell
Reed everything. There was a chance I would stay parked in the middle of the
desert for hours before heading the rest of the way to his house.
I drove extra slow. In fact, I
was a little surprised when a cop parked on the side of the main highway just
let me pass without an inquisition; I was sure I was going at least 15 miles
under the speed limit. I powered through my doubts and pushed myself to drive
all the way to Reed’s house without stopping. I noticed the additional giant,
lifted four-wheel-drive pick up parked right in front of the main entrance. The
license plate read J-DAWG , confirming my suspicion that Jason was still
staying at the house.
Somehow, I managed to park and
get to my feet. I walked up to the front door three times, turning away with
each approach to head back to my car. My fourth attempt was successful and I
rang the bell. I didn’t hear anyone stirring for the first several seconds, so
I pressed my face to the obscured glass insert in the door. Finally, I saw some
movement coming towards me. When it cracked open, I was met with the last face
I expected to see. Dylan
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