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Authors: Ann Brashares
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decision.
Annik smiled openly. “I’m so glad.”
“I’m not sure what I’m going to tell my dad,” Lena murmured, half to herself.
“Tell him the truth,” Annik said.
Lena shrugged, knowing that this was the piece of Annik’s advice she was not going to take.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
—Oscar Wilde
T ibby sat frozen on a chair in the den watching Nicky watch cartoons. Her thoughts came together and broke apart, occasionally punctured by the sadism of Tom and Jerry . Her whole body hurt; every bone ached when her mind flashed on Katherine. She let herself think of Katherine for only a second at a time and then she pulled away, because it hurt too much.
Nicky didn’t know anything yet. They didn’t want to scare him. Whereas Tibby was good and scared, wanting desperately for the phone to ring, but only if it was good news.
Tibby was not raised religious. For the early part of her childhood, her parents were devout atheists, spewing Marx’s “opiate of the masses” rhetoric. Nowadays Tibby wasn’t sure what they believed. They didn’t talk about it anymore.
But Tibby was not them. As far as Tibby was concerned, you couldn’t have someone you loved, really loved, die and not believe in some kind of god. It was the only way to look at it. And besides, Bailey herself—as she had lived, not as she had died—had been proof that somebody or something existed beyond the realm of rational things.
And when Tibby thought of Bailey, it made sense, because a god who was smart enough to want Bailey back as soon as possible was also smart enough to see the beauty of Katherine. Katherine was too good for the world Tibby lived in. Tibby belonged there just fine, but not Katherine. Katherine was brave and generous and passionate. If she weren’t on God’s dance card, then who would be? Tibby would stand in the corner of heaven, if she ever made it there, but Katherine, like Bailey, would be doing the polka or the bunny hop or maybe the bus stop with God.
Please don’t take her yet , Tibby implored. She’s only three and we love her too much to survive without her.
Tibby was asking selfishly. Because she knew it was her fault. She had opened a window that was always shut. Why had she done that? She knew Katherine wanted to climb the apple tree. She knew that was how Katherine fell out the window. It wasn’t on purpose. Please, God, believe that.
It was an accident. It was horrible, but not nearly as horrible as the ways in which Tibby had failed her little sister on purpose. Tibby was jealous and resentful. She hurt Katherine’s feelings on the pretense that small kids didn’t have actual feelings. And yet Tibby knew in her heart they did—possibly the deepest feelings of all.
If Tibby had loved Katherine as she deserved, maybe she wouldn’t have fallen out the window. If Tibby had paid attention to her and given her a boost to the branch of the apple tree, then Katherine wouldn’t have been climbing out anybody’s window. If Tibby hadn’t been so preoccupied with Brian, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Love was the best padding anybody could have. And though irrepressible Katherine deserved it a million times over, Tibby hadn’t given it.
I do love her, God. I love her so much. Tibby just wanted a chance to do better.
The phone rang and Tibby threw herself on top of it.
“Tibby?”
It was her dad. She ran the phone into the kitchen so Nicky wouldn’t hear. “Dad?” Her body was shaking.
“Honey, she’s doing better. The doctors say she’s going to be okay.”
Tibby gave herself full permission to cry now. She wept and sobbed and heaved and shook. Her dad was doing similar things on his end.
“Can I come?” she asked.
“She’s still getting X-rays. Her skull is fractured, which is the most serious thing. She also broke her wrist and her collarbone. We’re hoping that’s the extent of it.
Annik smiled openly. “I’m so glad.”
“I’m not sure what I’m going to tell my dad,” Lena murmured, half to herself.
“Tell him the truth,” Annik said.
Lena shrugged, knowing that this was the piece of Annik’s advice she was not going to take.
There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up.
—Oscar Wilde
T ibby sat frozen on a chair in the den watching Nicky watch cartoons. Her thoughts came together and broke apart, occasionally punctured by the sadism of Tom and Jerry . Her whole body hurt; every bone ached when her mind flashed on Katherine. She let herself think of Katherine for only a second at a time and then she pulled away, because it hurt too much.
Nicky didn’t know anything yet. They didn’t want to scare him. Whereas Tibby was good and scared, wanting desperately for the phone to ring, but only if it was good news.
Tibby was not raised religious. For the early part of her childhood, her parents were devout atheists, spewing Marx’s “opiate of the masses” rhetoric. Nowadays Tibby wasn’t sure what they believed. They didn’t talk about it anymore.
But Tibby was not them. As far as Tibby was concerned, you couldn’t have someone you loved, really loved, die and not believe in some kind of god. It was the only way to look at it. And besides, Bailey herself—as she had lived, not as she had died—had been proof that somebody or something existed beyond the realm of rational things.
And when Tibby thought of Bailey, it made sense, because a god who was smart enough to want Bailey back as soon as possible was also smart enough to see the beauty of Katherine. Katherine was too good for the world Tibby lived in. Tibby belonged there just fine, but not Katherine. Katherine was brave and generous and passionate. If she weren’t on God’s dance card, then who would be? Tibby would stand in the corner of heaven, if she ever made it there, but Katherine, like Bailey, would be doing the polka or the bunny hop or maybe the bus stop with God.
Please don’t take her yet , Tibby implored. She’s only three and we love her too much to survive without her.
Tibby was asking selfishly. Because she knew it was her fault. She had opened a window that was always shut. Why had she done that? She knew Katherine wanted to climb the apple tree. She knew that was how Katherine fell out the window. It wasn’t on purpose. Please, God, believe that.
It was an accident. It was horrible, but not nearly as horrible as the ways in which Tibby had failed her little sister on purpose. Tibby was jealous and resentful. She hurt Katherine’s feelings on the pretense that small kids didn’t have actual feelings. And yet Tibby knew in her heart they did—possibly the deepest feelings of all.
If Tibby had loved Katherine as she deserved, maybe she wouldn’t have fallen out the window. If Tibby had paid attention to her and given her a boost to the branch of the apple tree, then Katherine wouldn’t have been climbing out anybody’s window. If Tibby hadn’t been so preoccupied with Brian, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
Love was the best padding anybody could have. And though irrepressible Katherine deserved it a million times over, Tibby hadn’t given it.
I do love her, God. I love her so much. Tibby just wanted a chance to do better.
The phone rang and Tibby threw herself on top of it.
“Tibby?”
It was her dad. She ran the phone into the kitchen so Nicky wouldn’t hear. “Dad?” Her body was shaking.
“Honey, she’s doing better. The doctors say she’s going to be okay.”
Tibby gave herself full permission to cry now. She wept and sobbed and heaved and shook. Her dad was doing similar things on his end.
“Can I come?” she asked.
“She’s still getting X-rays. Her skull is fractured, which is the most serious thing. She also broke her wrist and her collarbone. We’re hoping that’s the extent of it.
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