Read Online Get Real by Donald E. Westlake - Free Book Online Page A

problem was.
    “I’ll tell you,” Doug said, “
I
wouldn’t kick Darlene out of bed.”
    “Kirby would,” Marcy said, and the other two sadly nodded.
    Doug said, “Does he have a
reason
?”
    “Yes,” Marcy said. “He says he’s gay.”
    “Gay!”
Doug made a fist and pounded it into his other palm. “No! We shall have no gay farm boys on
The Stand
! Who gave him
that
idea, anyway?”
    Marcy, on the verge of tears, said, “He says he
is
gay.”
    “Not on
our
show, he isn’t. In the world of reality, we do not have surprises. Kirby has his role, the impish younger brother who’s finally
     gonna be okay. No room for sex changes. What does Harry say?” Harry being the father of the Finch family.
    Josh shook his head, with a weak apologetic smile. “You know how Harry is.”
    Not an authority figure; yes, Doug knew.
Whatever they want is okay by me, you know?
So far, that had been a plus, meaning there was never any argument with the producers’ plans for the show. Except now.
    Marcy said, “I think Harry has the hots for Darlene himself.”
    “No, Marcy,” Doug said. “We aren’t going there either. This is a clean wholesome show. You could project it on the wall of
     a megachurch in the South. Fathers do not hit on their sons’ girlfriends. Come next door, fellas, we’ve got to solve this.”
    Next door was the conference room. Once they’d settled themselves in there, Doug said, “This
is
our story line, you know. We’ve been setting it up for this. In the third season, Kirby gets a girlfriend, just when the
     audience thinks they already know everything about the Finch family. And next season, the wedding, in sweeps week. Wedding
     episodes
always
get the biggest numbers of the year. Kirby and Darlene, true love at last.”
    Marcy said, “I’m sorry, Doug, but he won’t do it. I asked him if he could just pretend and he said no. He won’t kiss her,
     he doesn’t even want to put his arm around her. He says her boobs are too big.”
    “Oh, God.” Doug closed his eyes, in an attempt to leave the world behind.
    But he hadn’t yet learned the worst. Speaking right through his eyelids, Josh said, “And now that Darlene knows what Kirby
     thinks of her boobs,
she
doesn’t want to work with
him.
She says she wants off the show.”
    “Which wouldn’t be terrible,” Marcy said, also talking through the wall of his closed eyelids. “You know, she hasn’t even
     been introduced on the show yet.”
    Doug opened his eyes to find the awful world still unchanged. “Well, it is terrible,” he said. “Are they shooting up there
     tomorrow?”
    “Yes,” Marcy said.
    “I’ll have to go up,” Doug decided. “Marcy, you come along, just in case there’s some other throughline we can work out, put
     it together on the fly up there. But for now, fellas, all three of you, I beg of you. Do not sleep tonight, not for a minute.
     If we don’t have Kirby and Darlene, what
do
we have?”
    Josh said, “Could it be Lowell and Darlene?” Lowell being Kirby’s big brother.
    Doug squinched his face in pain. “No,” he said, “it’s too late for that. We’ve already established Lowell as the loner, the
     gloomy genius going off to engineering college. He represents the life of the mind, which is why we’ve made sure nobody likes
     him.” Doug smacked his palm against the table, making everybody jump. “
Why
didn’t that little pansy tell us before this?”
    “Be fair, Doug,” Marcy said.
    “I don’t want to be fair.”
    “We don’t tell them the story line ahead of time,” Marcy reminded him, “so they won’t be tempted to play something they’re
     not supposed to know yet. Kirby didn’t find out until today.”
    “That he’s gay?”
    “That he’s supposed to fall in love with Darlene.”
    Doug let out a long moan and then just sat there, jaw slack, shoulders sagging.
    Marcy, hesitant, said, “How did
The Gang’s All Here
go?”
    “What? Oh.” The thought of that bunch