Read Online Funny Boy Meets the Dumbbell Dentist from Deimos (with Dangerous Dental Decay) by Dan Gutman - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Dan Gutman
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My planet spins so fast, the centrifugal force makes it almost impossible to keep anything on a table, which always makes mealtime an adventure. Every time you put a plate on the table, it goes flying off and hits the ceiling. So does the table, for that matter. But we solved that problem. We eat on the ceiling.
But I digress, whatever that means.
When I was a little boy, I made the tragic mistake of shooting a spitball at my brother Bronk. Instead of grounding me, my parents did the opposite—they put me in a rocket ship and sent me to Earth. I considered this a bit of an overreaction, but what do I know about parenting skills?
Fortunately, my parents put my dog Punchline in the rocket with me and aimed it toward the Milky Way, even though I personally prefer Snickers. When Punch and I entered the Earth’s atmosphere, we were amazed to discover that Punch could not only talk, but could also sing all the songs from the classic Broadway show West Side Story .
Even more remarkable, my sense of humor, which was already highly developed on Crouton, had become enhanced to the point that it was now a superpower. On Earth, I could effortlessly come up with an endless series of jokes, puns, riddles and one-liners. Like this one . . .
Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Something about Earth’s atmosphere had made me hilarious.
STOP! TURN BACK! IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO DITCH THIS AND READ THAT BOOK THAT WON THE NEWBERY AWARD.
My spaceship crash-landed near San Antonio, Texas, just as Punch was singing “I Feel Pretty.” In an amazing stroke of luck, we smashed through the roof of an underwear factory. Tons of Fruit of the Looms cushioned our fall and enabled Punch and me to survive the impact. We also received free underwear for life.
Or I did, anyway. Punch prefers to parade around underwearless. She is, after all, a dog. On Crouton as on Earth, dogs do not wear underwear. But they do wear wristwatches. Why would a dog wear a wristwatch, you ask?
To tell time, of course!
When Punch and I landed in the underwear factory, we were discovered by a kindly underwear inspector named Bob Foster who became my foster father, whether he wanted to or not. He took us home against his will, and we became one big happy family, except for Bob, who wishes we would leave already.
Earth had been very, very good to me, and I wanted to do something to help my adopted planet. But what could I do? I had nothing except the clothes on my back, and I couldn’t exactly take them off. If I walked around naked I would get arrested, or have my life made into a reality TV show.
Then it hit me—I would be a force of good and use my super sense of humor to fight evil on my new planet! I would don a cape (well, a yellow-checked tablecloth) and a fake nose and glasses to become a superhero I call . . . wait for it . . . Funny Boy!
WARNING! THIS BOOK SHOULD NOT BE READ BY PEOPLE WITH BACK PAIN, WOMEN WHO ARE PREGNANT, OR ANYONE WHO HAS A BRAIN.
CHAPTER 2
THE BABY BOOM. WHEN FUNNY BOY ATTEMPTS TO APPREHEND A PERFECTLY INNOCENT PERSON ON THE STREET BECAUSE HE MISTAKENLY ASSUMES SHE’S COMMITTING A CRIME.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? I think there should be an abbreviation for “abbreviation.”
Anyway, it was a lovely sunny Sunday, with a few lazy clouds hanging in the sky. There was a slight breeze, and spring was in the air.
But the weather has absolutely nothing to do with the story, so there was really no reason to bring it up. Don’t you hate when they do that in books?
I was sitting in Bob Foster’s house minding my own business and watching some adorable cats play the piano on the Internet. Suddenly I felt a rumbling.
“It must be an earthquake!” I shouted to my dog Punch. “Quick! Let’s go hide in the bathtub!”
Somebody once told me that during an earthquake, you’re supposed to hide in the bathtub. I think it’s because you might get all dirty in the earthquake,
But I digress, whatever that means.
When I was a little boy, I made the tragic mistake of shooting a spitball at my brother Bronk. Instead of grounding me, my parents did the opposite—they put me in a rocket ship and sent me to Earth. I considered this a bit of an overreaction, but what do I know about parenting skills?
Fortunately, my parents put my dog Punchline in the rocket with me and aimed it toward the Milky Way, even though I personally prefer Snickers. When Punch and I entered the Earth’s atmosphere, we were amazed to discover that Punch could not only talk, but could also sing all the songs from the classic Broadway show West Side Story .
Even more remarkable, my sense of humor, which was already highly developed on Crouton, had become enhanced to the point that it was now a superpower. On Earth, I could effortlessly come up with an endless series of jokes, puns, riddles and one-liners. Like this one . . .
Q: What did one eye say to the other?
A: Between you and me, something smells.
Something about Earth’s atmosphere had made me hilarious.
STOP! TURN BACK! IT’S NOT TOO LATE TO DITCH THIS AND READ THAT BOOK THAT WON THE NEWBERY AWARD.
My spaceship crash-landed near San Antonio, Texas, just as Punch was singing “I Feel Pretty.” In an amazing stroke of luck, we smashed through the roof of an underwear factory. Tons of Fruit of the Looms cushioned our fall and enabled Punch and me to survive the impact. We also received free underwear for life.
Or I did, anyway. Punch prefers to parade around underwearless. She is, after all, a dog. On Crouton as on Earth, dogs do not wear underwear. But they do wear wristwatches. Why would a dog wear a wristwatch, you ask?
To tell time, of course!
When Punch and I landed in the underwear factory, we were discovered by a kindly underwear inspector named Bob Foster who became my foster father, whether he wanted to or not. He took us home against his will, and we became one big happy family, except for Bob, who wishes we would leave already.
Earth had been very, very good to me, and I wanted to do something to help my adopted planet. But what could I do? I had nothing except the clothes on my back, and I couldn’t exactly take them off. If I walked around naked I would get arrested, or have my life made into a reality TV show.
Then it hit me—I would be a force of good and use my super sense of humor to fight evil on my new planet! I would don a cape (well, a yellow-checked tablecloth) and a fake nose and glasses to become a superhero I call . . . wait for it . . . Funny Boy!
WARNING! THIS BOOK SHOULD NOT BE READ BY PEOPLE WITH BACK PAIN, WOMEN WHO ARE PREGNANT, OR ANYONE WHO HAS A BRAIN.
CHAPTER 2
THE BABY BOOM. WHEN FUNNY BOY ATTEMPTS TO APPREHEND A PERFECTLY INNOCENT PERSON ON THE STREET BECAUSE HE MISTAKENLY ASSUMES SHE’S COMMITTING A CRIME.
Why is “abbreviation” such a long word? I think there should be an abbreviation for “abbreviation.”
Anyway, it was a lovely sunny Sunday, with a few lazy clouds hanging in the sky. There was a slight breeze, and spring was in the air.
But the weather has absolutely nothing to do with the story, so there was really no reason to bring it up. Don’t you hate when they do that in books?
I was sitting in Bob Foster’s house minding my own business and watching some adorable cats play the piano on the Internet. Suddenly I felt a rumbling.
“It must be an earthquake!” I shouted to my dog Punch. “Quick! Let’s go hide in the bathtub!”
Somebody once told me that during an earthquake, you’re supposed to hide in the bathtub. I think it’s because you might get all dirty in the earthquake,
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