Read Online Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman's Guide to Why Feminism Matters by Jessica Valenti - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Jessica Valenti
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partner (husband, boyfriend, whoever) at some point in their lives. Again, the numbers are even scarier for young women. One report says that 40 percent of teenage girls say they know someone their age who has been hit by a boyfriend. That’s just out of control.
And the truly scary thing about IPV is that it’s rarely an isolated incident. Violence in relationships tends to follow a pattern—a cycle of abuse. Sounds technical, I know. Most people think of domestic violence in kind of a stereotypical way—a guy slapping around his girlfriend when he’s had too much to drink, for example. But the truth is a lot more complicated than that.
The cycle starts with a “tension-building phase,” where—duh—tension builds between the couple. There could be emotional and verbal and physical abuse during this time. When the tension reaches a climax, there is an incident of physical abuse on a larger scale—the tension is so high at this point that anything can trigger it. After the incident, the batterer moves on to the “honeymoon” phase, where there are apologies, excuses—“I’ll change” and such (cough, bullshit, cough). Then the cycle begins again. And again. Often, the violent incidents will get worse over time.
There’s also a pattern when it comes to those who abuse their partners. There are definite warning signs. The weird thing? A lot of potentially abusive men initially come off as the “perfect” guy. They are immediately superromantic and want to spend all their time with you. But this is often the abusers’ setting the stage so they can take total control of the relationship by creating an atmosphere in which they’re the biggest thing in your life. Because then it’s harder to leave, of course.
Some signs of a potentially abusive partner:
❂ Isolation: They tell you that they don’t want you to spend time with your friends or your family because they want to see you all the time. Later, this can turn into the abuser’s trying to block access to transportation (messing up your car), work (deliberately making you late), or other modes of communication with people outside the relationship.
❂ Jealousy: Sometimes a little jealousy makes a gal feel wanted, but abusers go above and beyond. They may become jealous at the drop of a hat or even resent time spent with anyone besides them—even family members.
❂ Control: This is the key; it’s all about control. Abusers control their partner’s ability to come and go, to spend money, to make decisions. They want to control everything.
Other signs/abusive actions include enforcing seriously traditional gender roles (in which men expect their female partners to do all the nurturing and taking care of their every need), verbally abusing their partner, using force during sex or being sexually manipulative, using cruelty to animals or kids as a means to control their partner’s behavior . . . the list goes on.
I guess my point is, there’s a lot more to violent relationships than individual incidents. Some abusers may never even leave a mark on their victims. A nurse once told me of a man who would force his wife to drink Tabasco sauce as a punishment. It’s about control and fear—and violence is just a means to the end.
VICTIM-BLAMING
Victim-blaming happens constantly when it comes to relationship violence, mostly because of one question: Why don’t they leave? The answer is that it’s really never that simple.
Here are some of the most common reasons victims stay in abusive relationships:
❂ Poverty: Many women lack the financial resources to leave; in fact, 60 percent of female welfare recipients have been victims of relationship violence. They have no place to go, and they may have children. Their partner may have taken control of their bank accounts, ensured that property is only listed under the abuser’s name, and so on. It’s not so easy to leave when you don’t have a dollar to your name.
❂ Isolation: Once women have
And the truly scary thing about IPV is that it’s rarely an isolated incident. Violence in relationships tends to follow a pattern—a cycle of abuse. Sounds technical, I know. Most people think of domestic violence in kind of a stereotypical way—a guy slapping around his girlfriend when he’s had too much to drink, for example. But the truth is a lot more complicated than that.
The cycle starts with a “tension-building phase,” where—duh—tension builds between the couple. There could be emotional and verbal and physical abuse during this time. When the tension reaches a climax, there is an incident of physical abuse on a larger scale—the tension is so high at this point that anything can trigger it. After the incident, the batterer moves on to the “honeymoon” phase, where there are apologies, excuses—“I’ll change” and such (cough, bullshit, cough). Then the cycle begins again. And again. Often, the violent incidents will get worse over time.
There’s also a pattern when it comes to those who abuse their partners. There are definite warning signs. The weird thing? A lot of potentially abusive men initially come off as the “perfect” guy. They are immediately superromantic and want to spend all their time with you. But this is often the abusers’ setting the stage so they can take total control of the relationship by creating an atmosphere in which they’re the biggest thing in your life. Because then it’s harder to leave, of course.
Some signs of a potentially abusive partner:
❂ Isolation: They tell you that they don’t want you to spend time with your friends or your family because they want to see you all the time. Later, this can turn into the abuser’s trying to block access to transportation (messing up your car), work (deliberately making you late), or other modes of communication with people outside the relationship.
❂ Jealousy: Sometimes a little jealousy makes a gal feel wanted, but abusers go above and beyond. They may become jealous at the drop of a hat or even resent time spent with anyone besides them—even family members.
❂ Control: This is the key; it’s all about control. Abusers control their partner’s ability to come and go, to spend money, to make decisions. They want to control everything.
Other signs/abusive actions include enforcing seriously traditional gender roles (in which men expect their female partners to do all the nurturing and taking care of their every need), verbally abusing their partner, using force during sex or being sexually manipulative, using cruelty to animals or kids as a means to control their partner’s behavior . . . the list goes on.
I guess my point is, there’s a lot more to violent relationships than individual incidents. Some abusers may never even leave a mark on their victims. A nurse once told me of a man who would force his wife to drink Tabasco sauce as a punishment. It’s about control and fear—and violence is just a means to the end.
VICTIM-BLAMING
Victim-blaming happens constantly when it comes to relationship violence, mostly because of one question: Why don’t they leave? The answer is that it’s really never that simple.
Here are some of the most common reasons victims stay in abusive relationships:
❂ Poverty: Many women lack the financial resources to leave; in fact, 60 percent of female welfare recipients have been victims of relationship violence. They have no place to go, and they may have children. Their partner may have taken control of their bank accounts, ensured that property is only listed under the abuser’s name, and so on. It’s not so easy to leave when you don’t have a dollar to your name.
❂ Isolation: Once women have
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