dirt floor of our home. I asked Deus for
forgiveness and begged for death. He said that I would learn
nothing by dying, and then at the door there appeared the
silhouette of a man. He touched my forehead, and I collapsed. When
I awoke, I called to Deus. He said a single word to me: ‘Sterilis.’
At once I knew what that man had taken from me when he touched me.
Only, he was no man. He was a deity carrying out the decree.”
Eros’ eyes were glossy. “He made me barren,
because what woman would want a man like this? Any hope that I
would find a wife of my own kind—to have the family I never had—was
gone. I’m alone. Forever. That is my punishment.”
My eyes were burning and mouth agape when he
finished the account. I don’t think I blinked once while he spoke.
“Why? Why did you do that to so many? That’s what you’re doing to
me, isn’t it?”
“No, I haven’t done anything to you. I
swear.” He raised his hand. “It took years to understand why I did
those things, but I finally found my answer.” He swallowed before
he said in almost a whisper, “I wanted to belong to someone.”
That wasn’t what I expected to hear from
Eros. How horrible it must feel to be alone in the world.
“So, now,” Eros took a brief pause, as he
cocked his head, “this is the part where you call me a bastard and
spit on me.”
I wanted to call him all sorts of things—a
womanizer, a degenerate—but I couldn’t. How could I when he had
just told me what an awful life he was damned to live? That was
punishment enough, I thought. The regret in his voice as he told
the story confirmed it.
The thought of his child being a bloodthirsty
freak of nature made a cold chill run down my spine. And to think
that I could have killed my mother had I also been born a full-fury
Creatura. Was I going to become something similar to that repulsive
being that Eros had skewered to death—and David along with me? I
could wake up tomorrow disfigured and a… a fiend.
Eros became a blur, and for a few seconds, I
relived the nightmare I had on the plane. I felt sick from the
visions of carnage in my head. Buried inside me was a
monster—perhaps, the spawn of Lucifer, himself.
“I’m just like…” The words trailed off, as I
heard myself voicing the thought.
“You’re what?”
“Nothing.” I turned away from him. “I should
finish getting ready before David arrives.”
“We’ll speak later, then.”
“I think it would be better if we don’t speak
at all.”
“You realize that the more unavailable you
make yourself to me, the more of a challenge you become? It’s
common for a person to want what they can’t have. And I want you .”
My body tensed. Hearing his words unleashed a
mixture of feelings—anger being one of them. And what was that
other thing I felt? Was it thrill? It couldn’t be. It made my
stomach constrict and my lip slightly curl. I silently reprimanded
myself for having that second emotion stir inside me.
I watched Eros walk down the hallway and turn
the corner. A breath of relief escaped me. I was rid of him, if
only for that moment. But I had another problem. How would I hide
my guilt and face David after his best friend kissed me? Was this
thing I felt for Eros real, or was he manipulating me?
Desperate to
vent, I took the journal from the nightstand drawer where I had
decided it should stay for the duration of my visit. Before I
started writing, I turned to the last entry I wrote prior to
leaving home and read.
***
June 2, 5:41 A.M.
The dream was the same tonight, except for
the flowing white dress I wore. It was covered in crimson
smears—the blood of the woman I kill again and again in my
nightmares. Her face is a blur, but the screams are clear and
piercing.
Like a wild animal, I gnaw at the pulse in
her neck, the warm blood gurgling in her throat. When at last
there’s no life left in her, I feel free, alive and satisfied. I
fear the pleasure carnage gives me, if only while
forgiveness and begged for death. He said that I would learn
nothing by dying, and then at the door there appeared the
silhouette of a man. He touched my forehead, and I collapsed. When
I awoke, I called to Deus. He said a single word to me: ‘Sterilis.’
At once I knew what that man had taken from me when he touched me.
Only, he was no man. He was a deity carrying out the decree.”
Eros’ eyes were glossy. “He made me barren,
because what woman would want a man like this? Any hope that I
would find a wife of my own kind—to have the family I never had—was
gone. I’m alone. Forever. That is my punishment.”
My eyes were burning and mouth agape when he
finished the account. I don’t think I blinked once while he spoke.
“Why? Why did you do that to so many? That’s what you’re doing to
me, isn’t it?”
“No, I haven’t done anything to you. I
swear.” He raised his hand. “It took years to understand why I did
those things, but I finally found my answer.” He swallowed before
he said in almost a whisper, “I wanted to belong to someone.”
That wasn’t what I expected to hear from
Eros. How horrible it must feel to be alone in the world.
“So, now,” Eros took a brief pause, as he
cocked his head, “this is the part where you call me a bastard and
spit on me.”
I wanted to call him all sorts of things—a
womanizer, a degenerate—but I couldn’t. How could I when he had
just told me what an awful life he was damned to live? That was
punishment enough, I thought. The regret in his voice as he told
the story confirmed it.
The thought of his child being a bloodthirsty
freak of nature made a cold chill run down my spine. And to think
that I could have killed my mother had I also been born a full-fury
Creatura. Was I going to become something similar to that repulsive
being that Eros had skewered to death—and David along with me? I
could wake up tomorrow disfigured and a… a fiend.
Eros became a blur, and for a few seconds, I
relived the nightmare I had on the plane. I felt sick from the
visions of carnage in my head. Buried inside me was a
monster—perhaps, the spawn of Lucifer, himself.
“I’m just like…” The words trailed off, as I
heard myself voicing the thought.
“You’re what?”
“Nothing.” I turned away from him. “I should
finish getting ready before David arrives.”
“We’ll speak later, then.”
“I think it would be better if we don’t speak
at all.”
“You realize that the more unavailable you
make yourself to me, the more of a challenge you become? It’s
common for a person to want what they can’t have. And I want you .”
My body tensed. Hearing his words unleashed a
mixture of feelings—anger being one of them. And what was that
other thing I felt? Was it thrill? It couldn’t be. It made my
stomach constrict and my lip slightly curl. I silently reprimanded
myself for having that second emotion stir inside me.
I watched Eros walk down the hallway and turn
the corner. A breath of relief escaped me. I was rid of him, if
only for that moment. But I had another problem. How would I hide
my guilt and face David after his best friend kissed me? Was this
thing I felt for Eros real, or was he manipulating me?
Desperate to
vent, I took the journal from the nightstand drawer where I had
decided it should stay for the duration of my visit. Before I
started writing, I turned to the last entry I wrote prior to
leaving home and read.
***
June 2, 5:41 A.M.
The dream was the same tonight, except for
the flowing white dress I wore. It was covered in crimson
smears—the blood of the woman I kill again and again in my
nightmares. Her face is a blur, but the screams are clear and
piercing.
Like a wild animal, I gnaw at the pulse in
her neck, the warm blood gurgling in her throat. When at last
there’s no life left in her, I feel free, alive and satisfied. I
fear the pleasure carnage gives me, if only while
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