That she ' d always take care of her and that she ' d never get hurt? Is it that easy for me to turn my back on Mom? Maybe it wasn ' t what I thought. Maybe she realizes how wrong she was and it will never happen again. What kind of son jumps to conclusions like this the first time?
" Barney! Barney! " Sara slides into the kitchen , her sock-covered feet skidding on the floor. She ' s out the other side before I have the chance to say anything to her and the TV is on. She can work a TV and DVD player like nobody ' s business.
A second later Mom walks into the kitchen. I try to ignore her , not sure what to say , but I keep seeing that glass. Her stepping out of the closet , knowing Sara ' s asleep in the next room.
I ' m not sad anymore. The guilt is gone , replaced by heat. Anger. How could she pick that bottle over Sara?
Suddenly , I don ' t want to study her. Don ' t want to see her eyes , or hear her speak. I just want out. To escape it and pretend everything is okay.
Done with my soggy cookies , I push to my feet and head for the kitchen door. Little mini-eruptions go off inside me , readying me for the big one I know is coming.
" I ' m sorry. "
Her words make me freeze in the kitchen door. We ' ve never talked about it this way before. She didn ' t even mention what she ' s sorry for , but I know and there have never been apologies before. Usually it ' s something we pretend doesn ' t exist.
" It was a hard day. Your grandpa was angry ... and ..."
My hands clench. I hate him. Hate him for what he ' s done to her.
" But that ' s not an excuse. I ' m sorry , Carter. It won ' t happen again. "
I don ' t turn around to look at her. The sigh that comes from her tells me she ' s glad I didn ' t walk out. I ' m glad too because I hear it in her voice. The hurt and fear would break me if I saw it in her eyes.
I ' m sorry ...
It won ' t happen again ...
Those words wipe out the explosions inside me. Sober apologies are real. I know it. They have to be. She wouldn ' t lie about something like this. Would she? No ... No , this is Mom and she wouldn ' t lie about something this important. Not to me.
Suddenly , I can breathe. I didn ' t even know I couldn ' t before. But it ' s going to be okay now because she said it won ' t happen again. " It ' s okay , Ma ... It ' s okay. "
I risk a quick glance at Mom before I walk out , feeling lighter than I have with her in a while.
My truck purrs to life when I start it. I have a ton of finished homework in my bag , and practice tonight. I ' m determined today ' s going to be a kickass day. Okay , maybe that ' s stretching it , but a good day. A normal day.
I need normal , no drama.
Mel pops into my head , our arguments and what I ' d decided to do last night.
Or what I think I ' d decided. But were things really as bad as I was thinking last night? I mean , thirty minutes ago I was freaking out about Mom and now I ' m suddenly sunshine and rainbows or something. Maybe things with Mel will get better too.
Or maybe I ' m being too weak to risk the wrath of ending it. Is it wrong trying to hang on to the calm—the hope that for once everything really might be okay?
It ' s not until I get to school that I start to wonder... Did Mom mean it will never happen again , or just not when Sara ' s home?
***
We decide to go out to lunch today. Mel ' s driving with me in the passenger seat. Trina and Travis are in the back , sitting way too far apart from each other. Well , as far away as you can get in a Bug , that is. Her arms are crossed , obviously mad about something while Trav drums on his legs to non-existent music.
" What ' s with everyone today? Someone kick your puppy? " I reach over and put my hand on Mel ' s leg. I t feels different. I ' ve been touching this girl ' s leg for a year. Makes no sense that it would somehow feel different now. And not in a good way either.
" I ' m in a good mood ," I say , squeezing her leg. " You are too , aren ' t you , baby? " Liar ,
" Barney! Barney! " Sara slides into the kitchen , her sock-covered feet skidding on the floor. She ' s out the other side before I have the chance to say anything to her and the TV is on. She can work a TV and DVD player like nobody ' s business.
A second later Mom walks into the kitchen. I try to ignore her , not sure what to say , but I keep seeing that glass. Her stepping out of the closet , knowing Sara ' s asleep in the next room.
I ' m not sad anymore. The guilt is gone , replaced by heat. Anger. How could she pick that bottle over Sara?
Suddenly , I don ' t want to study her. Don ' t want to see her eyes , or hear her speak. I just want out. To escape it and pretend everything is okay.
Done with my soggy cookies , I push to my feet and head for the kitchen door. Little mini-eruptions go off inside me , readying me for the big one I know is coming.
" I ' m sorry. "
Her words make me freeze in the kitchen door. We ' ve never talked about it this way before. She didn ' t even mention what she ' s sorry for , but I know and there have never been apologies before. Usually it ' s something we pretend doesn ' t exist.
" It was a hard day. Your grandpa was angry ... and ..."
My hands clench. I hate him. Hate him for what he ' s done to her.
" But that ' s not an excuse. I ' m sorry , Carter. It won ' t happen again. "
I don ' t turn around to look at her. The sigh that comes from her tells me she ' s glad I didn ' t walk out. I ' m glad too because I hear it in her voice. The hurt and fear would break me if I saw it in her eyes.
I ' m sorry ...
It won ' t happen again ...
Those words wipe out the explosions inside me. Sober apologies are real. I know it. They have to be. She wouldn ' t lie about something like this. Would she? No ... No , this is Mom and she wouldn ' t lie about something this important. Not to me.
Suddenly , I can breathe. I didn ' t even know I couldn ' t before. But it ' s going to be okay now because she said it won ' t happen again. " It ' s okay , Ma ... It ' s okay. "
I risk a quick glance at Mom before I walk out , feeling lighter than I have with her in a while.
My truck purrs to life when I start it. I have a ton of finished homework in my bag , and practice tonight. I ' m determined today ' s going to be a kickass day. Okay , maybe that ' s stretching it , but a good day. A normal day.
I need normal , no drama.
Mel pops into my head , our arguments and what I ' d decided to do last night.
Or what I think I ' d decided. But were things really as bad as I was thinking last night? I mean , thirty minutes ago I was freaking out about Mom and now I ' m suddenly sunshine and rainbows or something. Maybe things with Mel will get better too.
Or maybe I ' m being too weak to risk the wrath of ending it. Is it wrong trying to hang on to the calm—the hope that for once everything really might be okay?
It ' s not until I get to school that I start to wonder... Did Mom mean it will never happen again , or just not when Sara ' s home?
***
We decide to go out to lunch today. Mel ' s driving with me in the passenger seat. Trina and Travis are in the back , sitting way too far apart from each other. Well , as far away as you can get in a Bug , that is. Her arms are crossed , obviously mad about something while Trav drums on his legs to non-existent music.
" What ' s with everyone today? Someone kick your puppy? " I reach over and put my hand on Mel ' s leg. I t feels different. I ' ve been touching this girl ' s leg for a year. Makes no sense that it would somehow feel different now. And not in a good way either.
" I ' m in a good mood ," I say , squeezing her leg. " You are too , aren ' t you , baby? " Liar ,
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