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Authors: Spike Milligan
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typhoid.
I
trembled violently at his exordium, which he played brilliandy, and my father
continued:
‘I
confess, my son, I have always looked forward to your marriage with dear
Elizabeth.’
Oh
fuck, now he was trying to marry me off. There were no ends he wouldn’t go to
get rid of me.
‘You
were attached to her from your early infancy by a chain.’
‘My
dear father, my future hopes and prospects are entirely bound up in the
expectation of our union, that is The Tradesmen and Miners.’
I
remember also the necessity imposed upon me of journeying to England and
studying at the Bexhill-on-Sea Body Building Centre. I must absent myself from
all I loved while thus employed in creating a female monster. Putting a pair of
boobs in place would be a good start.
At
Bexhill-on-Sea there was a morgue where they had the bits I needed. It was the
city of the aged where many of the limbs would fall off in the street. These I
would gather after dark. I was capable of taking pleasure in the idea of such a
journey. My father hoped that the change of scene would restore me entirely to
myself. Finally he talked me down from my position on top of the cupboard.
I
now made arrangments for my journey to Bexhill-on-Sea. One of them was Chopin’s
E b Nocturne for the spoons. In the time given it was the best
arrangment I could do.
We
travelled at the time of the vintage and heard the song of the labourers. I lay
at the bottom of the boat in the hold under the luggage where I could be alone
from that chatterbox Clerval. As we drifted down the Rhine we saw groups of
labourers who had been hiding behind the trees from their work. Oh, surely the
inhabitants would retire to the inaccessible peaks of the mountains where they
hurl themselves to death rather than pay income tax.
Clerval!
Even now it delights me to record your words — unending bloody yakking. He was
a being formed in the very poetry of nature: it would take him two bloody hours
to describe a tree. His soul overflowed with ardent affections and his
friendship was of that devoted and wondrous nature, it is just that he would
never stop bloody yakking. To satisfy his eager mind he took up kung fu.
And
where does he now exist? [He doesn’t, he snuffed it. Ed.] Is this gentle and
lovely being lost forever? [Yes. Ed.] Has his mind perished? [Yes. Ed.] does it
only exist in our memory? [Yes, if you want it to. Ed.] His favourite poem:
The sounding cataract
Haunted him like a passion: the
tall rock,
The mountain, and the deep and
gloomy wood,
Their colours and their forms,
were then to him
An appetite; a feeling, and a
love,
That had no need of a remoter
charm
By thought supplied, or any
interest
Unborrow’d from the eye. 4
We
arrived at Rotterdam; it was a clear morning. At length we arrived in England
where we saw the numerous steeples of London — St Paul’s, the Tower, Angus
Steak House, Deep Pan Pizza, Boots, The London Dungeons, Garfunkels...
CHAPTER II
London
was our present point of rest; we were determined to remain several months in
Neasden for Clerval to study Hindus. This wonderful city desired the
intercourse of men of genius. They were fishmongers, plumbers, bricklayers,
green grocers and King Edward. Company was irksome to me, especially A Company
of the Irish Guards.
Clerval’s
design was to visit India, in the belief that he had in his knowledge of its
various languages, starvation, plague and leprosy. And he believed in trade —
importing chicken vindaloo and exporting fish and chips. I tried to conceal
myself as much as possible and I wore a clown’s mask. I often refused to
accompany him, alleging another engagement like mud wrestling. I had finally
found a good pair of boobs to start on my female monster.
We
received a letter from a person in Scotland; that is, had no stamp on it. He
mentioned the beauties of his native country — Rangers and haggis and bagpipes
and whisky. Clerval was eager to accept the invitation and
I
trembled violently at his exordium, which he played brilliandy, and my father
continued:
‘I
confess, my son, I have always looked forward to your marriage with dear
Elizabeth.’
Oh
fuck, now he was trying to marry me off. There were no ends he wouldn’t go to
get rid of me.
‘You
were attached to her from your early infancy by a chain.’
‘My
dear father, my future hopes and prospects are entirely bound up in the
expectation of our union, that is The Tradesmen and Miners.’
I
remember also the necessity imposed upon me of journeying to England and
studying at the Bexhill-on-Sea Body Building Centre. I must absent myself from
all I loved while thus employed in creating a female monster. Putting a pair of
boobs in place would be a good start.
At
Bexhill-on-Sea there was a morgue where they had the bits I needed. It was the
city of the aged where many of the limbs would fall off in the street. These I
would gather after dark. I was capable of taking pleasure in the idea of such a
journey. My father hoped that the change of scene would restore me entirely to
myself. Finally he talked me down from my position on top of the cupboard.
I
now made arrangments for my journey to Bexhill-on-Sea. One of them was Chopin’s
E b Nocturne for the spoons. In the time given it was the best
arrangment I could do.
We
travelled at the time of the vintage and heard the song of the labourers. I lay
at the bottom of the boat in the hold under the luggage where I could be alone
from that chatterbox Clerval. As we drifted down the Rhine we saw groups of
labourers who had been hiding behind the trees from their work. Oh, surely the
inhabitants would retire to the inaccessible peaks of the mountains where they
hurl themselves to death rather than pay income tax.
Clerval!
Even now it delights me to record your words — unending bloody yakking. He was
a being formed in the very poetry of nature: it would take him two bloody hours
to describe a tree. His soul overflowed with ardent affections and his
friendship was of that devoted and wondrous nature, it is just that he would
never stop bloody yakking. To satisfy his eager mind he took up kung fu.
And
where does he now exist? [He doesn’t, he snuffed it. Ed.] Is this gentle and
lovely being lost forever? [Yes. Ed.] Has his mind perished? [Yes. Ed.] does it
only exist in our memory? [Yes, if you want it to. Ed.] His favourite poem:
The sounding cataract
Haunted him like a passion: the
tall rock,
The mountain, and the deep and
gloomy wood,
Their colours and their forms,
were then to him
An appetite; a feeling, and a
love,
That had no need of a remoter
charm
By thought supplied, or any
interest
Unborrow’d from the eye. 4
We
arrived at Rotterdam; it was a clear morning. At length we arrived in England
where we saw the numerous steeples of London — St Paul’s, the Tower, Angus
Steak House, Deep Pan Pizza, Boots, The London Dungeons, Garfunkels...
CHAPTER II
London
was our present point of rest; we were determined to remain several months in
Neasden for Clerval to study Hindus. This wonderful city desired the
intercourse of men of genius. They were fishmongers, plumbers, bricklayers,
green grocers and King Edward. Company was irksome to me, especially A Company
of the Irish Guards.
Clerval’s
design was to visit India, in the belief that he had in his knowledge of its
various languages, starvation, plague and leprosy. And he believed in trade —
importing chicken vindaloo and exporting fish and chips. I tried to conceal
myself as much as possible and I wore a clown’s mask. I often refused to
accompany him, alleging another engagement like mud wrestling. I had finally
found a good pair of boobs to start on my female monster.
We
received a letter from a person in Scotland; that is, had no stamp on it. He
mentioned the beauties of his native country — Rangers and haggis and bagpipes
and whisky. Clerval was eager to accept the invitation and
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