to just another nameless patient, just a procedure. As she felt her self slipping away, she
couldn’t shake the feeling that she had failed.
* * *
Once the epidural was in, she rested on her back on the bed. She was amazed at how quickly it had worked and how much stronger
she felt without the pain, though she wouldn’t admit it out loud. Her abdomen and legs were numb; she could hardly move. She
rested her hands on her belly to feel it tightening, reassuring herself that her body was still doing what it should. She
watched the machine beside her churn out a long strip of paper graphing the peaks and troughs of her contractions. It didn’t
seem as though it was connected to her belly, to her baby.
Tony was sitting in the corner, playing with something on his phone. He looked up.
‘Are you all right?’ he said.
She nodded.
‘Why don’t you close your eyes, try to have a nap?’
‘I’m OK, I’m just resting.’
As Tony turned his attention back to his phone, she watched the clock on the wall, willing it to go faster, imagining that
it was going slow on purpose.
Debbie came over and uncurled the strip of paper, frowning as she scanned it. She wrote something down, then turned up the
drip again.
‘Debbie?’ she asked. ‘Can you turn it up, the volume, just so I can hear … the baby?’
‘Of course.’ The midwife fiddled with a button, then rearranged one of the monitors strapped to her, and there it was.
Ba boom, ba boom
. Her baby was still there.
‘I just need to do an internal examination, Anna.’ Debbie pulled on a pair of rubber gloves.
She nodded. Debbie lifted up her numb legs. She looked away while she was poked and pushed.
‘All done. Hope that wasn’t too uncomfortable.’ Debbie snapped her plastic gloves off.
‘No, it was OK. What’s happening?’
Debbie raised her eyebrows. ‘Well, that cervix isn’t behaving – it’s just not where I’d expect it to be.’
She wondered why medical staff were trained to talk to patients as though they were children. She felt her jaw tighten. She
wasn’t just irritated with Debbie, she was irritated with herself, her body. She knew that didn’t make sense, but if Debbie
reckoned that her cervix could misbehave, she had every right to be angry with it. She had a sudden surge of energy and pushed
down on the mattress with her hands to hoist herself up in the bed.
‘So what are we going to do then?’
Debbie turned back to the drip stand and pressed the black button again. ‘We’ll just keep going. I’ll check you again in two
hours.’
Two hours? She could have cried. She wanted to get out of bed and walk around, to use the bathroom instead of having a catheter
in her bladder. She wanted to have a shower or sit on the fit ball as she had planned. She tried to breathe deeply as a horrible
sense of suffocating claustrophobia settled on her. She felt as though she was stuck on a long flight, with no way to stretch
out without touching someone, no way of protecting her own space. But she could no more get up from this bed than open the
door of an aeroplane and step out.
She felt Tony watching her. She turned away from his gaze and closed her eyes. Tony pulled his chair across the floor towards
her; the grating noise drilled through her. He took her clammy hand and stroked it with his thumb. She was too warm now; he
was making her hotter. She knew he was only trying to help, but she just wanted to be left alone. She forced a smile, then
pulled her hand away.
But he stayed by her side.
CHAPTER NINE
The day after
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
As the sun started to rise, a cleaner arrived and began mopping the floor around Tony. Soon afterwards the full lights came
on to indicate that a new day had started. The next shift of nurses breezed in, bright and chatty, sipping coffee from cardboard
cups with plastic lids. He watched them huddle around the desk and make notes as a senior nurse worked her way
couldn’t shake the feeling that she had failed.
* * *
Once the epidural was in, she rested on her back on the bed. She was amazed at how quickly it had worked and how much stronger
she felt without the pain, though she wouldn’t admit it out loud. Her abdomen and legs were numb; she could hardly move. She
rested her hands on her belly to feel it tightening, reassuring herself that her body was still doing what it should. She
watched the machine beside her churn out a long strip of paper graphing the peaks and troughs of her contractions. It didn’t
seem as though it was connected to her belly, to her baby.
Tony was sitting in the corner, playing with something on his phone. He looked up.
‘Are you all right?’ he said.
She nodded.
‘Why don’t you close your eyes, try to have a nap?’
‘I’m OK, I’m just resting.’
As Tony turned his attention back to his phone, she watched the clock on the wall, willing it to go faster, imagining that
it was going slow on purpose.
Debbie came over and uncurled the strip of paper, frowning as she scanned it. She wrote something down, then turned up the
drip again.
‘Debbie?’ she asked. ‘Can you turn it up, the volume, just so I can hear … the baby?’
‘Of course.’ The midwife fiddled with a button, then rearranged one of the monitors strapped to her, and there it was.
Ba boom, ba boom
. Her baby was still there.
‘I just need to do an internal examination, Anna.’ Debbie pulled on a pair of rubber gloves.
She nodded. Debbie lifted up her numb legs. She looked away while she was poked and pushed.
‘All done. Hope that wasn’t too uncomfortable.’ Debbie snapped her plastic gloves off.
‘No, it was OK. What’s happening?’
Debbie raised her eyebrows. ‘Well, that cervix isn’t behaving – it’s just not where I’d expect it to be.’
She wondered why medical staff were trained to talk to patients as though they were children. She felt her jaw tighten. She
wasn’t just irritated with Debbie, she was irritated with herself, her body. She knew that didn’t make sense, but if Debbie
reckoned that her cervix could misbehave, she had every right to be angry with it. She had a sudden surge of energy and pushed
down on the mattress with her hands to hoist herself up in the bed.
‘So what are we going to do then?’
Debbie turned back to the drip stand and pressed the black button again. ‘We’ll just keep going. I’ll check you again in two
hours.’
Two hours? She could have cried. She wanted to get out of bed and walk around, to use the bathroom instead of having a catheter
in her bladder. She wanted to have a shower or sit on the fit ball as she had planned. She tried to breathe deeply as a horrible
sense of suffocating claustrophobia settled on her. She felt as though she was stuck on a long flight, with no way to stretch
out without touching someone, no way of protecting her own space. But she could no more get up from this bed than open the
door of an aeroplane and step out.
She felt Tony watching her. She turned away from his gaze and closed her eyes. Tony pulled his chair across the floor towards
her; the grating noise drilled through her. He took her clammy hand and stroked it with his thumb. She was too warm now; he
was making her hotter. She knew he was only trying to help, but she just wanted to be left alone. She forced a smile, then
pulled her hand away.
But he stayed by her side.
CHAPTER NINE
The day after
Tuesday, 15 September 2009
As the sun started to rise, a cleaner arrived and began mopping the floor around Tony. Soon afterwards the full lights came
on to indicate that a new day had started. The next shift of nurses breezed in, bright and chatty, sipping coffee from cardboard
cups with plastic lids. He watched them huddle around the desk and make notes as a senior nurse worked her way
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