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Authors: Melanie Walker
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to run. I could see the shock at my tone in his eyes but it faded quickly the minute he noticed my fear.
He stepped back and shook his head saying nothing about my reaction to his touch, nothing about the full body tremble that I wasn't hiding. “I can’t keep it all Cassa. I have to let some of it go. I’m keeping the most important things, the special stuff. I meant equipment to give to the guys. Dad would have wanted me to give his buddies that shit, not sell it.” He closed his eyes briefly blocking the pain and sat back down on the end of the bed. “I know Harry Wallenstein needs some good equipment and Dad would have wanted him to have it.” He pulled me, shaking and panting with irrational fear between his legs to get me closer. “Thank you though, for having his best interests at heart.”
I was terrified and I could see the questions on his face, could see him fighting to ask me what I was so frightened of. This was Shamus. Shamus is touching me, not Cory. Shame will never hurt me...
I started the mantra that I had clung too for what felt like forever. Every-time anyone touched me suddenly, or if someone was behind me and I didn't know it. For almost a year I wouldn't go to crowded restaurants or stores because of severe panic attacks. I started reminding myself I was safe, who I was with, that Cory was gone.
Shame is safe...Shame would never hurt me....
He left you stupid!
“ I said don’t touch me.”
“ I could give a fuck that you said that.” He replied with the smirk he used on his fans. He was playing a game with me, one a few years back that would have had me begging him to fuck me in seconds flat. I wasn't playing a game right now. His face was right at my belt and I had to be cautious to not lift my arms and show off my scars and tattoos. My jeans were cut low and as close as I was to his face he would not be able to miss those fucking scars and that was a whole other conversation for the future. Now was now and I had to get out of here before I was in full blown panic mode.
“ I’m sorry Shamus I”- I didn’t get a chance to finish when the door flew open.
“ Hey Shamus I “-
"Oh shit sorry! Wait … Cassa?"
Both Shamus and I went stock still when I heard Mikes voice. “I need to go.” I stammered and made my way past Mike. Mike knew better than to grab me or raise his voice so he followed close as I made my way to the front door. My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I tried to get my FOB aimed at my Scion. “Dammit!” I yelled and felt tears burning my eyes as humiliation took over. “I can't get it.” I was crying now, crying because the only man I had ever loved grabbed my wrist. Crying because there was a small and almost miniscule chance he could have seen my scars and tats. Crying because all while Shame was trying to flirt I was thinking up ways to run for my life. I was not okay. I was not normal. And I couldn’t press a damn button to unlock my God-damned car!
“ Let me.” Mikey said from beside me, never behind me. His voice was his normal timber, because he knew I hated being coddled.
With shaking hands I handed over the FOB and key ring, my crying only worsening at the damn near constant reminder of how bad he had wrecked me. It was a span of six months that destroyed my life, the fun loving care free girl I was and the mother I could have been. Six months. Half a year.
Oh God!
The next thing I knew I was in the car but on the passenger side, and beside me was Carrie in the driver seat. “Hey there Chica.” She said with a smile. “We came to check on Shame when I saw you leaving. I'm gonna drive okay?”
She wasn't talking down to me, she was telling me she knew, it was cool and she was driving.
I love my girlfriends so much at times like these.
We said nothing to Mikey, Roni and Chad as we left and nothing as we drove to my apartment.
Saying nothing right then was fine, I needed the silence so that I could breathe.
When you play it hard, and
He stepped back and shook his head saying nothing about my reaction to his touch, nothing about the full body tremble that I wasn't hiding. “I can’t keep it all Cassa. I have to let some of it go. I’m keeping the most important things, the special stuff. I meant equipment to give to the guys. Dad would have wanted me to give his buddies that shit, not sell it.” He closed his eyes briefly blocking the pain and sat back down on the end of the bed. “I know Harry Wallenstein needs some good equipment and Dad would have wanted him to have it.” He pulled me, shaking and panting with irrational fear between his legs to get me closer. “Thank you though, for having his best interests at heart.”
I was terrified and I could see the questions on his face, could see him fighting to ask me what I was so frightened of. This was Shamus. Shamus is touching me, not Cory. Shame will never hurt me...
I started the mantra that I had clung too for what felt like forever. Every-time anyone touched me suddenly, or if someone was behind me and I didn't know it. For almost a year I wouldn't go to crowded restaurants or stores because of severe panic attacks. I started reminding myself I was safe, who I was with, that Cory was gone.
Shame is safe...Shame would never hurt me....
He left you stupid!
“ I said don’t touch me.”
“ I could give a fuck that you said that.” He replied with the smirk he used on his fans. He was playing a game with me, one a few years back that would have had me begging him to fuck me in seconds flat. I wasn't playing a game right now. His face was right at my belt and I had to be cautious to not lift my arms and show off my scars and tattoos. My jeans were cut low and as close as I was to his face he would not be able to miss those fucking scars and that was a whole other conversation for the future. Now was now and I had to get out of here before I was in full blown panic mode.
“ I’m sorry Shamus I”- I didn’t get a chance to finish when the door flew open.
“ Hey Shamus I “-
"Oh shit sorry! Wait … Cassa?"
Both Shamus and I went stock still when I heard Mikes voice. “I need to go.” I stammered and made my way past Mike. Mike knew better than to grab me or raise his voice so he followed close as I made my way to the front door. My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I tried to get my FOB aimed at my Scion. “Dammit!” I yelled and felt tears burning my eyes as humiliation took over. “I can't get it.” I was crying now, crying because the only man I had ever loved grabbed my wrist. Crying because there was a small and almost miniscule chance he could have seen my scars and tats. Crying because all while Shame was trying to flirt I was thinking up ways to run for my life. I was not okay. I was not normal. And I couldn’t press a damn button to unlock my God-damned car!
“ Let me.” Mikey said from beside me, never behind me. His voice was his normal timber, because he knew I hated being coddled.
With shaking hands I handed over the FOB and key ring, my crying only worsening at the damn near constant reminder of how bad he had wrecked me. It was a span of six months that destroyed my life, the fun loving care free girl I was and the mother I could have been. Six months. Half a year.
Oh God!
The next thing I knew I was in the car but on the passenger side, and beside me was Carrie in the driver seat. “Hey there Chica.” She said with a smile. “We came to check on Shame when I saw you leaving. I'm gonna drive okay?”
She wasn't talking down to me, she was telling me she knew, it was cool and she was driving.
I love my girlfriends so much at times like these.
We said nothing to Mikey, Roni and Chad as we left and nothing as we drove to my apartment.
Saying nothing right then was fine, I needed the silence so that I could breathe.
When you play it hard, and
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