the place of your birth?"
"No." She shook her head vehemently. "That's not…no."
"Are you afraid, then, to come away with me unwed? Afraid for your soul? For though the kirk may say it's wrong, the truth is I cannot wait three weeks for banns to be called. I must get home. And the thought of leaving you here…"
"No…that's not the problem, either. I cannot marry you, Cameron. I cannot. It wouldn't be fair to you, can you not see that? I'm not young anymore, and—"
"I told you, I don't care about such things!"
"Let me finish—"
"A handfasting, then—"
"A what?" She blinked, clearly confused.
"A handfasting. At home, we don't have too many clergymen, as you do here. And so it is custom to join hands, and to pledge to each other to live as man and wife for a year and a day. At the end of that time, if no child is conceived, the couple can choose to part ways. When next a priest comes to visit, the marriage is confirmed in the eyes of the kirk. It's simple, aye?"
"It's impossible," she whispered.
He didn't understand. "Why would you think so? It's the perfect solution. A time-honored ritual…tell me true, would you feel unwed if the ceremony weren't performed by a member of the clergy?"
She shook her head. "I was wed during the Commonwealth." Cameron knew that during Cromwell's rule, marriage had been a civil matter only, not considered to be any business of God's. "And truly wed I was," she added, visibly shuddering. "It took no clergyman to bind me to Will."
Once again he wondered what this marriage of hers had been like. But this was not the time to probe.
"Then what is your objection, if I may ask? I know you like me—no, more than that. And I won't hear otherwise."
"Whenever my husband…" Her voice dropped to a whisper, then faded away entirely.
"Aye?"
"I cannot be a true wife to any man," she blurted all of a sudden. "I was married fourteen years. Long years. Yet I never once enjoyed sharing a bed with my husband. He said I was…frigid." Her face turned red, but she held Cam's gaze. "I hate that word. But it fits. When it comes to intimacy, I feel…nothing. Nothing but pain and revulsion and fear."
Cameron drew a deep breath and let it out. "That was with him. You don't feel revulsion and fear when I kiss you," he pointed out carefully.
"That's different. I had never been kissed before—" His mouth gaped open, and she held up a hand. "Not really. Not what, with you, I've come to know as a kiss. It was new to me, and yes, wonderful. But I know what the other is like. I don't know how other women stand it. I know only that, for me, it can never be something I more than tolerate. Barely."
He knew she was wrong. But he also knew that no words would convince her of that. "It's sorry I am for you, Clarice. That must have been hard on your marriage."
"It was. Will always said that a night in my bed was…akin to rape. And truth be told, what he did was not all that different from what that other man attempted this summer." A single tear overflowed and traced a path down her cheek. "Will never let me forget, for one minute, what a failure I am as a woman."
"Clarice…"
"That's why I was so thrilled to be given Mary." Her gaze strayed to where her daughter chased Anne along the shore, their giggles floating to them on the breeze. "To have a child, at last, and without having to remarry. I…I don't know if I can go through that again."
A strangled sound escaped his throat, and she looked back to him, her features etched with both pain and determination. "You're young, Cameron Leslie. You have love in your heart, and land and a title to bequeath to children of your body. You shouldn't have to rape your wife in order to get them."
How many times had he pictured those bairns she spoke of running around his castle, growing, working with him side by side? He wanted her for their mother. "Would you be willing to try, Clarice?"
She shrugged. "I tried a thousand times, with all my heart. I always hoped
"No." She shook her head vehemently. "That's not…no."
"Are you afraid, then, to come away with me unwed? Afraid for your soul? For though the kirk may say it's wrong, the truth is I cannot wait three weeks for banns to be called. I must get home. And the thought of leaving you here…"
"No…that's not the problem, either. I cannot marry you, Cameron. I cannot. It wouldn't be fair to you, can you not see that? I'm not young anymore, and—"
"I told you, I don't care about such things!"
"Let me finish—"
"A handfasting, then—"
"A what?" She blinked, clearly confused.
"A handfasting. At home, we don't have too many clergymen, as you do here. And so it is custom to join hands, and to pledge to each other to live as man and wife for a year and a day. At the end of that time, if no child is conceived, the couple can choose to part ways. When next a priest comes to visit, the marriage is confirmed in the eyes of the kirk. It's simple, aye?"
"It's impossible," she whispered.
He didn't understand. "Why would you think so? It's the perfect solution. A time-honored ritual…tell me true, would you feel unwed if the ceremony weren't performed by a member of the clergy?"
She shook her head. "I was wed during the Commonwealth." Cameron knew that during Cromwell's rule, marriage had been a civil matter only, not considered to be any business of God's. "And truly wed I was," she added, visibly shuddering. "It took no clergyman to bind me to Will."
Once again he wondered what this marriage of hers had been like. But this was not the time to probe.
"Then what is your objection, if I may ask? I know you like me—no, more than that. And I won't hear otherwise."
"Whenever my husband…" Her voice dropped to a whisper, then faded away entirely.
"Aye?"
"I cannot be a true wife to any man," she blurted all of a sudden. "I was married fourteen years. Long years. Yet I never once enjoyed sharing a bed with my husband. He said I was…frigid." Her face turned red, but she held Cam's gaze. "I hate that word. But it fits. When it comes to intimacy, I feel…nothing. Nothing but pain and revulsion and fear."
Cameron drew a deep breath and let it out. "That was with him. You don't feel revulsion and fear when I kiss you," he pointed out carefully.
"That's different. I had never been kissed before—" His mouth gaped open, and she held up a hand. "Not really. Not what, with you, I've come to know as a kiss. It was new to me, and yes, wonderful. But I know what the other is like. I don't know how other women stand it. I know only that, for me, it can never be something I more than tolerate. Barely."
He knew she was wrong. But he also knew that no words would convince her of that. "It's sorry I am for you, Clarice. That must have been hard on your marriage."
"It was. Will always said that a night in my bed was…akin to rape. And truth be told, what he did was not all that different from what that other man attempted this summer." A single tear overflowed and traced a path down her cheek. "Will never let me forget, for one minute, what a failure I am as a woman."
"Clarice…"
"That's why I was so thrilled to be given Mary." Her gaze strayed to where her daughter chased Anne along the shore, their giggles floating to them on the breeze. "To have a child, at last, and without having to remarry. I…I don't know if I can go through that again."
A strangled sound escaped his throat, and she looked back to him, her features etched with both pain and determination. "You're young, Cameron Leslie. You have love in your heart, and land and a title to bequeath to children of your body. You shouldn't have to rape your wife in order to get them."
How many times had he pictured those bairns she spoke of running around his castle, growing, working with him side by side? He wanted her for their mother. "Would you be willing to try, Clarice?"
She shrugged. "I tried a thousand times, with all my heart. I always hoped
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