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Authors: Brendan Halpin
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more like this and you’re on your own, kid, don’t expect us to come along for the ride anymore.”
She managed to push these thoughts away long enough to get her homework done and talk briefly to Stephanie. Stephanie was having some boyfriend drama, which distracted Brianna for a long time while she told Stephanie it was going to be okay, and yeah, maybe if he makes you this unhappy, you should dump him.
Finally she went to bed. She tried not to think about anything, but it came back—that cold, hard fear in her stomach when she thought about being dead forever. She could joke about it most of the time, but when she really thought about doing it, it really terrified her. She couldn’t help thinking of being dead as just being all alone in the dark, and she wouldn’t even be able to look forward to having it stop, and she would just spend forever like that, feeling sad and alone and scared. She felt like crying, and she wondered if she should wake up Dad. But he wouldn’t have anything to tell her except whatever happens you won’t be sick, which was okay, except it was better to be sick and have your dad and your friends around than to be unsick and dead and alone always without ever ending.
She had to think about something else. She got up and popped the
Forever Changes
CD into her CD player. And for forty-two minutes, she felt better. She lay in the dark with the headphones on and the music playing, and she didn’t have to think about being Brianna. She wasn’t encased in a body that was lying on the bed; she was in the music. The CD ended, and, lying in the dark and the quiet, Brianna thought maybe being dead was like getting lost in music—maybe she’d just be lost in the music of the world, and she’d have no time to miss people or feel alone because she’d be part of everything. If you thought about it that way, it wasn’t so very scary. She knew the terror would be back, but it was gone for tonight. She turned off the light and worked on her vampire fantasy, and pretty soon she was asleep.
really beautiful and horribly ugly
Brianna woke up and immediately felt the terror rising up again, but with Dad’s weights clanking in the garage and the sky looking like it might contain sunlight sometime soon, she managed to focus on the day ahead and push her fear away.
When Dad was finished percussing, Brianna decided to tell him about that night. “So I’m sleeping at Melissa’s tonight, okay?”
“Where’s the party?”
“Dad, there’s no party.”
“Yes there is. Where is it?”
“It’s at Bryan McMahon’s house, okay?”
“Who’s driving?”
“We’re walking.”
Dad looked at her for a minute. “Really,” he said in this flat voice.
“I swear! Bryan lives like two blocks from Melissa’s house.”
“And you’ll remember all your meds?”
“Yes!”
“What about tomorrow morning? You gonna be home by 5:30 in the morning?”
“Dad, why did we even bother to train Melissa if you’re going to ask me that every single time I spend the night over there?”
Dad looked at her again. “I want a call if there’s any trouble or anybody needs a ride.”
Brianna rolled her eyes. “There’s not going to be any trouble, and we’re not even driving.”
“Okay. Just for God’s sake be careful.”
“Dad, I’m always careful.”
“And don’t sleep with anybody who doesn’t deserve you.”
“Aaagh! You don’t have to say that every time I go out!” Like anybody was even going to even notice her, much less want to sleep with her if she was standing next to Melissa and Stephanie anyway. They hadn’t invented beer goggles powerful enough to make that happen.
“I know, I know, I just–”
“I know, you got drunk and did something dumb and you’ve been stuck with me ever since.”
Dad’s face turned red. “You know what? I tell you this stuff because I love you and I care about you. It’s a really shitty thing to
She managed to push these thoughts away long enough to get her homework done and talk briefly to Stephanie. Stephanie was having some boyfriend drama, which distracted Brianna for a long time while she told Stephanie it was going to be okay, and yeah, maybe if he makes you this unhappy, you should dump him.
Finally she went to bed. She tried not to think about anything, but it came back—that cold, hard fear in her stomach when she thought about being dead forever. She could joke about it most of the time, but when she really thought about doing it, it really terrified her. She couldn’t help thinking of being dead as just being all alone in the dark, and she wouldn’t even be able to look forward to having it stop, and she would just spend forever like that, feeling sad and alone and scared. She felt like crying, and she wondered if she should wake up Dad. But he wouldn’t have anything to tell her except whatever happens you won’t be sick, which was okay, except it was better to be sick and have your dad and your friends around than to be unsick and dead and alone always without ever ending.
She had to think about something else. She got up and popped the
Forever Changes
CD into her CD player. And for forty-two minutes, she felt better. She lay in the dark with the headphones on and the music playing, and she didn’t have to think about being Brianna. She wasn’t encased in a body that was lying on the bed; she was in the music. The CD ended, and, lying in the dark and the quiet, Brianna thought maybe being dead was like getting lost in music—maybe she’d just be lost in the music of the world, and she’d have no time to miss people or feel alone because she’d be part of everything. If you thought about it that way, it wasn’t so very scary. She knew the terror would be back, but it was gone for tonight. She turned off the light and worked on her vampire fantasy, and pretty soon she was asleep.
really beautiful and horribly ugly
Brianna woke up and immediately felt the terror rising up again, but with Dad’s weights clanking in the garage and the sky looking like it might contain sunlight sometime soon, she managed to focus on the day ahead and push her fear away.
When Dad was finished percussing, Brianna decided to tell him about that night. “So I’m sleeping at Melissa’s tonight, okay?”
“Where’s the party?”
“Dad, there’s no party.”
“Yes there is. Where is it?”
“It’s at Bryan McMahon’s house, okay?”
“Who’s driving?”
“We’re walking.”
Dad looked at her for a minute. “Really,” he said in this flat voice.
“I swear! Bryan lives like two blocks from Melissa’s house.”
“And you’ll remember all your meds?”
“Yes!”
“What about tomorrow morning? You gonna be home by 5:30 in the morning?”
“Dad, why did we even bother to train Melissa if you’re going to ask me that every single time I spend the night over there?”
Dad looked at her again. “I want a call if there’s any trouble or anybody needs a ride.”
Brianna rolled her eyes. “There’s not going to be any trouble, and we’re not even driving.”
“Okay. Just for God’s sake be careful.”
“Dad, I’m always careful.”
“And don’t sleep with anybody who doesn’t deserve you.”
“Aaagh! You don’t have to say that every time I go out!” Like anybody was even going to even notice her, much less want to sleep with her if she was standing next to Melissa and Stephanie anyway. They hadn’t invented beer goggles powerful enough to make that happen.
“I know, I know, I just–”
“I know, you got drunk and did something dumb and you’ve been stuck with me ever since.”
Dad’s face turned red. “You know what? I tell you this stuff because I love you and I care about you. It’s a really shitty thing to
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