Woods. Here’s this guy who is good-looking, plays golf better than anyone else, and has a billion dollars. On top of all that, he marries this unbelievably beautiful Swedish woman. That’s too much.”
“So you’d tax him?”
“Yeah. I’d take away the girl and give her to a homely guy who couldn’t get a date. Tiger would still have plenty. It’s only fair.”
“And you think you could sell this to the public.”
“Absolutely. It would be much more popular than a monetary tax. Take Warren Buffet, for example. No one begrudges him what he has. Sure he’s worth fifty billion dollars, but he looks like Warren Buffet. So no one minds that he has so much money. It’s people like Tiger and Brad Pitt and George Clooney who the IRS should be hitting. If Jennifer Aniston arrived at your house instead of a rebate check, people would really start to buy into the tax code.”
“I like it, but I’m not sure the American people will buy it.”
“Do you have a better idea?”
“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly.
“And what is that?”
“What I would do,” Jessica said, “is give every American a stuffed animal.”
“You mean like a teddy bear?”
“It doesn’t have to be a bear. It could be a lamb or a dog—just so long as it’s stuffed.”
“Why?” Ralph asked without any hint of skepticism. He expected her answer would warm his heart, which it did.
“People who grow up with stuffed animals are more gentle and caring,” Jessica explained. “They’re completely dependent on you, even more so than a real pet. A cat could do pretty well on its own, a dog can go feral and survive, but a stuffed pet has no life without its owner. Having responsibility for something powerless teaches you empathy.”
“What type of stuffed animal did you grow up with?” Ralph asked.
“I had a soft little porcupine.”
Ralph grinned, but Jessica cut him off. “Don’t you dare laugh! I would have died for Booda. I used to worry there would be a fire in my house. Booda would have been the first and only thing I took on my way out. If need be, I would have risked my life to save him. The thought of him burning was unbearable to me. The world would be a better place if everyone thought of other people’s suffering in the same way.”
“I wasn’t about to laugh,” Ralph said. “I think what you said is nice.” So nice he wanted to go over to the Resolute and kiss her.
“I bet the President didn’t have a stuffed animal growing up.”
“I wouldn’t know. He has certainly never mentioned it to me.”
Jessica softened. “I bet you did, though. I bet you had a stuffed bunny rabbit.”
This woman was incredible. “You’re right, though I don’t know how you knew that,” Ralph said. “His name is Bun-Bun. He’s still with me.”
“Well, perhaps Bun-Bun can meet Booda someday.”
“I’m sure he would like that.”
T HE B RITISH CLAIM THE Teddy Bear took its name from King Edward VII, who went by Teddy, but every patriotic American knows thereal story is that Theodore Roosevelt, while bear hunting in Mississippi in 1902, spared the life of a cub whose mother had been killed during the hunt. The episode was depicted in a popular cartoon, which in turn inspired a store owner named Rose Michtrom to create a toy bear. She wrote the White House requesting permission to name the bear “Teddy,” permission President Roosevelt freely granted.
This was another of the many ways in which TR really got it, although it is impossible to imagine Roosevelt foresaw the massive proliferation of stuffed animals that would ensue over the following century, including bears, cats, dogs, snakes, alligators, rabbits, zebras, monkeys, birds, horses, several extinct species including dinosaurs of every kind, several species that never existed such as the unicorn, and, of course, not to be forgotten, the occasional, improbable porcupine.
“S O WHAT ARE WE going to do now?” Jessica asked.
“Are you getting
“So you’d tax him?”
“Yeah. I’d take away the girl and give her to a homely guy who couldn’t get a date. Tiger would still have plenty. It’s only fair.”
“And you think you could sell this to the public.”
“Absolutely. It would be much more popular than a monetary tax. Take Warren Buffet, for example. No one begrudges him what he has. Sure he’s worth fifty billion dollars, but he looks like Warren Buffet. So no one minds that he has so much money. It’s people like Tiger and Brad Pitt and George Clooney who the IRS should be hitting. If Jennifer Aniston arrived at your house instead of a rebate check, people would really start to buy into the tax code.”
“I like it, but I’m not sure the American people will buy it.”
“Do you have a better idea?”
“Yes,” she said matter-of-factly.
“And what is that?”
“What I would do,” Jessica said, “is give every American a stuffed animal.”
“You mean like a teddy bear?”
“It doesn’t have to be a bear. It could be a lamb or a dog—just so long as it’s stuffed.”
“Why?” Ralph asked without any hint of skepticism. He expected her answer would warm his heart, which it did.
“People who grow up with stuffed animals are more gentle and caring,” Jessica explained. “They’re completely dependent on you, even more so than a real pet. A cat could do pretty well on its own, a dog can go feral and survive, but a stuffed pet has no life without its owner. Having responsibility for something powerless teaches you empathy.”
“What type of stuffed animal did you grow up with?” Ralph asked.
“I had a soft little porcupine.”
Ralph grinned, but Jessica cut him off. “Don’t you dare laugh! I would have died for Booda. I used to worry there would be a fire in my house. Booda would have been the first and only thing I took on my way out. If need be, I would have risked my life to save him. The thought of him burning was unbearable to me. The world would be a better place if everyone thought of other people’s suffering in the same way.”
“I wasn’t about to laugh,” Ralph said. “I think what you said is nice.” So nice he wanted to go over to the Resolute and kiss her.
“I bet the President didn’t have a stuffed animal growing up.”
“I wouldn’t know. He has certainly never mentioned it to me.”
Jessica softened. “I bet you did, though. I bet you had a stuffed bunny rabbit.”
This woman was incredible. “You’re right, though I don’t know how you knew that,” Ralph said. “His name is Bun-Bun. He’s still with me.”
“Well, perhaps Bun-Bun can meet Booda someday.”
“I’m sure he would like that.”
T HE B RITISH CLAIM THE Teddy Bear took its name from King Edward VII, who went by Teddy, but every patriotic American knows thereal story is that Theodore Roosevelt, while bear hunting in Mississippi in 1902, spared the life of a cub whose mother had been killed during the hunt. The episode was depicted in a popular cartoon, which in turn inspired a store owner named Rose Michtrom to create a toy bear. She wrote the White House requesting permission to name the bear “Teddy,” permission President Roosevelt freely granted.
This was another of the many ways in which TR really got it, although it is impossible to imagine Roosevelt foresaw the massive proliferation of stuffed animals that would ensue over the following century, including bears, cats, dogs, snakes, alligators, rabbits, zebras, monkeys, birds, horses, several extinct species including dinosaurs of every kind, several species that never existed such as the unicorn, and, of course, not to be forgotten, the occasional, improbable porcupine.
“S O WHAT ARE WE going to do now?” Jessica asked.
“Are you getting
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