Read Online Finding Justice by Rachel Brimble - Free Book Online Page B

was a whole lot worse.
    “If coke does nothing else, it makes you believe you’re capable
of anything.” He swallowed. “The trouble is, the only thing you’re really
capable of is hurting people.”
    She closed her eyes and Jay’s heart sank in his chest like a
lump of lead. Was she shutting him out? Unable to look at him? Both were
justified. Unease rippled through his body. What should he do next? Keep talking
or keep his mouth shut and let her process the gargantuan fact that he wasn’t
the man she thought him to be? Not the man she once trusted enough to sleep
with, to give her most intimate gift to and give it gladly.
    Shame seared his face as he opened his mouth, closed it, opened
it again. She brought his hand to her lips and pressed a lingering kiss to his
knuckles. Her strength and forgiveness absorbed silently into his skin.
    The rare heat of tears burned his eyes and he squeezed them
shut. “I’ve made some really bad choices, Cat.” His voice came out low and deep,
revealing every emotion battling around inside him, but there was no one else he
trusted his vulnerability with. “One of the biggest is believing that working my
ass off, making more and more money for the family business would somehow fill
the bullet wounds every gram of coke I took made in my parents’ hearts.”
    She tightened her fingers around his. “Jay, look at me.”
    He turned.
    “You’re clean. You have to let go of the past and move on. If
you continue to beat yourself up over what you did or didn’t do, the drugs still
control you. Surely that’s one of the first things they taught you in
rehab.”
    He stared deep into her eyes. He wanted nothing more than to
yell, “You’re right, I’m clean!” It wouldn’t be the truth. He wanted to smile
and agree and revel in his success, but he’d never be free of his
addiction—wasn’t sure he wanted to be—because once he claimed he was, then the
narcotic knuckles could quite easily come knocking at his door once again.
    “I wish I could say that, but an addict is never clean. If
they’re stupid enough to think differently, that’s the first step back.”
    She released his hand to clasp hers together at her abdomen.
Her face seemed to shut down. Her jaw grew rigid. She met his eyes and her
unshed tears glistened beneath the lights on the veranda above them. Her breast
rose and she exhaled. “Tell me what happened after you realized cocaine wasn’t
the road to success.”
    A new tension radiated from her and Jay turned his gaze back to
the sky, apricot now bled into orange. She had every right to her anger and
disappointment. Templeton in summer was beauty personified, yet Jay felt as
though nothing but ugliness surrounded him. “I didn’t realize anything about the
cocaine. I just got worse, taking more and more until the other band members
kicked me out.”
    “They kicked you out after one of them introduced you to it?
God, I’d like to kick their asses.”
    He huffed out a wry laugh. “I’m the only one to blame here. It
was me who lost control, whereas they believed they could handle their use. Some
nights I couldn’t string a sentence together, let alone sing.” Her hand slid
over his and he held on. “I came back to Templeton, high as a kite and
disappeared into the abyss.”
    “The abyss would be the drug haunts you know about?”
    “That’s where I spent pretty much every second for three weeks
and two days after coming home. Before George rang my father telling him exactly
where to find me. Dad hauled my ass into a rehabilitation center—”
    “Wait. George found you? How did he know where you were?”
    Jay turned away, as shame encompassed him like a familiar and
debilitating cloak around his shoulders. “I’ll get to that part in a minute.” He
swallowed. “Anyway, Dad hauled me into rehab quicker than I could put up a
fight. Left me there. No visitors. No calls. Nothing.”
    “For how long?”
    “For as long as it took.”
    “Which