flak. We really resented that, because we had just bought a house and we were trying to do business in the community.
Jeff and I try to keep informed through the gay press, give some money to AIDS organizations, and get together with other local gay men when we can. I’ve had a hard time socializing with other gay men, and I’ve had a hard time getting the difference between “gay is good” and “all gay people are good and everything they do is good.” I know some gay men who are real assholes. If they were straight I wouldn’t give them the time of day And some of the things that gay people have done “for the cause” I now see differently; it’s easy to be more radical if someone else pays the price. I don’t know if this perspective is coming with age, from owning more things, or from the small-town attitude rubbing off.
Approximately one-third of these men were in relationships with other men at the time of their interviews. Being in a stable, long-lasting, committed relationship had great significance for a large majority of these men, whether or not they were currently in one. Some of them attributed this trait to the stability of their farm backgrounds where, as Tom Lewis described it, “friends remained friends and people stayed together.” Quite a number of the men who were interviewed expressed an interest inmeeting other men from farming backgrounds, and this interest was apparent in others who seemed reluctant to express it.
Some of these men expressed considerable enthusiasm about being gay. For others, feelings were more mixed. Although none indicated a desire to become heterosexual if that were possible, some men were clearly distressed by the ways in which being gay had affected the course of their lives. Nonetheless, many of these men reflected Harry Beckner’s opinion that “farm people tend to be down to earth, to accept things for what they are.” For some of these individuals, however, achieving that acceptance had been a very long and rough process.
These men varied greatly in the extent to which they were open with their parents or other family members about being gay. Some were actively open about it; some were passively open, making no particular effort to reveal or to conceal being gay. Others made a considerable effort to conceal their orientation—in some cases because they were not yet ready to take on the task of coming out, or because they believed that such self-disclosure would serve no useful purpose, or would give too much satisfaction to troublemaking family members.
Gary Christiansen’s direct approach to telling his family about his sexual identity is most characteristic of the men who came of age since the mid-1970s. Born in 1967, Gary grew up with an older sister and brother on a mixed livestock and crop farm in western Iowa, between Missouri Valley and Logan. The coming-out letter that Gary sent to his parents and siblings when he was twenty-five included this statement: “From the very beginning, I have accepted that I am ‘different’ and I have never struggled with my identity or wished to change it. There is nothing to change, because I am the way God made me.”
In our interview, Gary explained how his upbringing had influenced his response to being gay, including his decision to reveal that part of himself to his family.
We were raised to face things, to do what you’ve got to do to take care of each problem as it comes up. Life is unfair, but you’ve got to bounce right back. You don’t run away from your problems, because you aren’t going to get anywhere. When a problem would come up, my dad would say, “Well, that’s just the way it is—you’ll just have to deal with it.” When I realized I was gay, I didn’t try to run and hide from it. Even though I knew my parents weren’t going to like it, I knew that was just the way it was.
I sent the letter to my mom and dad, my sister, and my brother and sister-in-law. My mom called and was in
Jeff and I try to keep informed through the gay press, give some money to AIDS organizations, and get together with other local gay men when we can. I’ve had a hard time socializing with other gay men, and I’ve had a hard time getting the difference between “gay is good” and “all gay people are good and everything they do is good.” I know some gay men who are real assholes. If they were straight I wouldn’t give them the time of day And some of the things that gay people have done “for the cause” I now see differently; it’s easy to be more radical if someone else pays the price. I don’t know if this perspective is coming with age, from owning more things, or from the small-town attitude rubbing off.
Approximately one-third of these men were in relationships with other men at the time of their interviews. Being in a stable, long-lasting, committed relationship had great significance for a large majority of these men, whether or not they were currently in one. Some of them attributed this trait to the stability of their farm backgrounds where, as Tom Lewis described it, “friends remained friends and people stayed together.” Quite a number of the men who were interviewed expressed an interest inmeeting other men from farming backgrounds, and this interest was apparent in others who seemed reluctant to express it.
Some of these men expressed considerable enthusiasm about being gay. For others, feelings were more mixed. Although none indicated a desire to become heterosexual if that were possible, some men were clearly distressed by the ways in which being gay had affected the course of their lives. Nonetheless, many of these men reflected Harry Beckner’s opinion that “farm people tend to be down to earth, to accept things for what they are.” For some of these individuals, however, achieving that acceptance had been a very long and rough process.
These men varied greatly in the extent to which they were open with their parents or other family members about being gay. Some were actively open about it; some were passively open, making no particular effort to reveal or to conceal being gay. Others made a considerable effort to conceal their orientation—in some cases because they were not yet ready to take on the task of coming out, or because they believed that such self-disclosure would serve no useful purpose, or would give too much satisfaction to troublemaking family members.
Gary Christiansen’s direct approach to telling his family about his sexual identity is most characteristic of the men who came of age since the mid-1970s. Born in 1967, Gary grew up with an older sister and brother on a mixed livestock and crop farm in western Iowa, between Missouri Valley and Logan. The coming-out letter that Gary sent to his parents and siblings when he was twenty-five included this statement: “From the very beginning, I have accepted that I am ‘different’ and I have never struggled with my identity or wished to change it. There is nothing to change, because I am the way God made me.”
In our interview, Gary explained how his upbringing had influenced his response to being gay, including his decision to reveal that part of himself to his family.
We were raised to face things, to do what you’ve got to do to take care of each problem as it comes up. Life is unfair, but you’ve got to bounce right back. You don’t run away from your problems, because you aren’t going to get anywhere. When a problem would come up, my dad would say, “Well, that’s just the way it is—you’ll just have to deal with it.” When I realized I was gay, I didn’t try to run and hide from it. Even though I knew my parents weren’t going to like it, I knew that was just the way it was.
I sent the letter to my mom and dad, my sister, and my brother and sister-in-law. My mom called and was in
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