Read Online Double Fudge by Judy Blume - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Judy Blume
Tags: Fiction
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"Daddy... slow down!"
But Cousin Howie yelled, "Yip-eeee!" as he swerved and curved and drove like a total maniac.
"Yip-eee!" Mini yelled with him.
Finally, Eudora shouted, "Howie, think of the example you're setting for our children!"
Cousin Howie slammed on the brakes. The rest of us fell forward. "Got carried away there for a minute," Cousin Howie said. "What do we do when we get carried away?"
"We stop and count to ten," the Natural Beauties said, sounding relieved.
"And if that doesn't work?" Cousin Howie asked.
"We count to ten again," the girls said.
"And that's exactly what I'm going to do," Cousin Howie said. "Let's all count together." He took a deep breath, then counted to ten. The Natural Beauties counted along with him. "I don't hear everybody counting," Cousin Howie said, turning to look at me
97
and Fudge. This time we counted along with the others. When we got to ten, Mini kicked his feet and shouted, "Yip-eee!" again.
"Good... very good," Cousin Howie said.
Later, when we met up with Mom and Dad, Fudge said, "Look what Cousin Eudora got for me at the panda gift shop." He held out a tiny stuffed panda. I'd bought the same one for Tootsie.
"How thoughtful of Eudora to buy you a souvenir," Mom said.
"It's not the one I wanted," Fudge said.
"The one he wanted cost four hundred and seventy-five dollars," I told Mom and Dad. "It was life-size."
"Fudge is such a scream," Flora said.
"We've never met anybody like him," Fauna said.
Who has? I thought.
"And look at this," Fudge said, waving a certificate in Mom's face. "I'm an official member of the Panda Poop Club."
"The Panda Poop Club?" Mom said.
"Yes. I'm the only one who sniffed the poop and held it in my hands."
"It was on a paper towel," I reminded him.
"Even so, Pete ..."
It's true he was the only one of us to hold it. We all sniffed it. But that was before we knew what it was.
98
We thought it was a peeled sweet potato. It was the same color as a sweet potato. It was shaped like one, too. So how were we supposed to know it was poop? It smelled like grass to me. That was before I found out grass and bamboo smell a lot alike.
Jane, the panda keeper, had signed Fudge's official certificate. "When I get enough money, I'm going to buy my own panda," he'd told her.
"Where will you keep him?" Jane had asked.
"In my apartment. I'll have a very big apartment with a panda room. And when it's nice out, I'll walk my panda in Central Park. Mom will cook him sweet potatoes and I'll have another room filled with bamboo. And I'll take his poop to school for sharing and let all the kids sniff it, especially Richie Potter."
Now Fudge began to tell Mom and Dad everything he'd learned about pandas. "Even though they look soft and cuddly, they're still wild animals. They have claws and sharp teeth. You know why their heads are so big? Because pandas are born to chew. Their jaws are so strong they can crunch bamboo. And they use their hands like raccoons do."
"It sounds as if you learned a lot this morning," Dad said.
"I did. Jane said I was a very good listener. And guess what else? We got to feed carrots to the pandas. Everyone but Mini. He ate the carrot himself."
99
Cousin Howie offered to drive us to the train station in his van. On the way we passed the White House. If Dad or Mom were president, I thought, this is where we'd live. I'd ask Jimmy to come down to hang out. We'd bowl and swim and have sock slides down the longest hallways. Then we'd see movies in the screening room and the family chef would make us popcorn. I'd give just one interview a week, maybe two, on MTV or Nickelodeon. I'd have an opinion on everything, especially books, video games, music, the Internet, and movies. When Peter Hatcher speaks, young America listens! That's what they'd say about me.
I was enjoying my fantasy until Fudge leaned close and whispered, "I wonder what the President said?"
"About what?"
"About the banana on that lady's suit."
"Probably he didn't
But Cousin Howie yelled, "Yip-eeee!" as he swerved and curved and drove like a total maniac.
"Yip-eee!" Mini yelled with him.
Finally, Eudora shouted, "Howie, think of the example you're setting for our children!"
Cousin Howie slammed on the brakes. The rest of us fell forward. "Got carried away there for a minute," Cousin Howie said. "What do we do when we get carried away?"
"We stop and count to ten," the Natural Beauties said, sounding relieved.
"And if that doesn't work?" Cousin Howie asked.
"We count to ten again," the girls said.
"And that's exactly what I'm going to do," Cousin Howie said. "Let's all count together." He took a deep breath, then counted to ten. The Natural Beauties counted along with him. "I don't hear everybody counting," Cousin Howie said, turning to look at me
97
and Fudge. This time we counted along with the others. When we got to ten, Mini kicked his feet and shouted, "Yip-eee!" again.
"Good... very good," Cousin Howie said.
Later, when we met up with Mom and Dad, Fudge said, "Look what Cousin Eudora got for me at the panda gift shop." He held out a tiny stuffed panda. I'd bought the same one for Tootsie.
"How thoughtful of Eudora to buy you a souvenir," Mom said.
"It's not the one I wanted," Fudge said.
"The one he wanted cost four hundred and seventy-five dollars," I told Mom and Dad. "It was life-size."
"Fudge is such a scream," Flora said.
"We've never met anybody like him," Fauna said.
Who has? I thought.
"And look at this," Fudge said, waving a certificate in Mom's face. "I'm an official member of the Panda Poop Club."
"The Panda Poop Club?" Mom said.
"Yes. I'm the only one who sniffed the poop and held it in my hands."
"It was on a paper towel," I reminded him.
"Even so, Pete ..."
It's true he was the only one of us to hold it. We all sniffed it. But that was before we knew what it was.
98
We thought it was a peeled sweet potato. It was the same color as a sweet potato. It was shaped like one, too. So how were we supposed to know it was poop? It smelled like grass to me. That was before I found out grass and bamboo smell a lot alike.
Jane, the panda keeper, had signed Fudge's official certificate. "When I get enough money, I'm going to buy my own panda," he'd told her.
"Where will you keep him?" Jane had asked.
"In my apartment. I'll have a very big apartment with a panda room. And when it's nice out, I'll walk my panda in Central Park. Mom will cook him sweet potatoes and I'll have another room filled with bamboo. And I'll take his poop to school for sharing and let all the kids sniff it, especially Richie Potter."
Now Fudge began to tell Mom and Dad everything he'd learned about pandas. "Even though they look soft and cuddly, they're still wild animals. They have claws and sharp teeth. You know why their heads are so big? Because pandas are born to chew. Their jaws are so strong they can crunch bamboo. And they use their hands like raccoons do."
"It sounds as if you learned a lot this morning," Dad said.
"I did. Jane said I was a very good listener. And guess what else? We got to feed carrots to the pandas. Everyone but Mini. He ate the carrot himself."
99
Cousin Howie offered to drive us to the train station in his van. On the way we passed the White House. If Dad or Mom were president, I thought, this is where we'd live. I'd ask Jimmy to come down to hang out. We'd bowl and swim and have sock slides down the longest hallways. Then we'd see movies in the screening room and the family chef would make us popcorn. I'd give just one interview a week, maybe two, on MTV or Nickelodeon. I'd have an opinion on everything, especially books, video games, music, the Internet, and movies. When Peter Hatcher speaks, young America listens! That's what they'd say about me.
I was enjoying my fantasy until Fudge leaned close and whispered, "I wonder what the President said?"
"About what?"
"About the banana on that lady's suit."
"Probably he didn't
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