Read Online Doctor Whom or ET Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Parodication by Adam Roberts - Free Book Online Page B

our mission, don’t we. And if we can’t go outside . . .’
    ‘It’s a puzzler,’ agreed the Dr.
    ‘There must be a solution.’
    ‘Hey, I’m in emotional pain over here,’ I cried.
    ‘Have you any ideas?’
    ‘I was thinking,’ said the Dr. ‘I could send out my robot dog, K2. He could fetch the device, and suffer no ill-effects. ’
    ‘You have a robot dog?’
    ‘Yes! Well, sort of. Or, to speak absolutely accurately—’
    ‘Yes?’
    ‘In absolutely accurate terms, no not really. He’s a little less a robot dog, and a little more, strictly speaking, the second-highest mountain peak on Earth.’
    ‘You keep the second-highest mountain peak on Earth aboard the TARDY?’
    ‘I put it in the dog kennel.’
    ‘The TARDY has a dog kennel?’
    ‘From the outside it’s kennel-sized. On the inside it’s large enough to accommodate - well, the entire mountain. ’
    ‘I don’t understand why you’d detach the Earth’s second highest mountain and put it inside the TARDY.’
    ‘ I didn’t detach it,’ said the Dr. ‘It detached itself. It was never a real mountain in the first place. It was a mountain-sized robot pet from a planet inhabited by a race of particularly large rocky aliens. I won’t bore you with the story of how it ended up on earth, or why I gave it sanctuary aboard the TARDY. Suffice to say that it involved me saving the Earth from certain destruction.’
    ‘But—has nobody noticed that you’ve removed the Earth’s second tallest peak?’
    ‘Who’d notice? A few dozen mountaineers. Nobody else. And who pays any attention to them?’
    ‘But surely they would raise the alarm?’
    ‘They travel all the way to Tibet to climb this mountain. When they get there they discover that it’s actually a small hillock about ten feet high. What do you think they’re going to do? Go back and make a big fuss? Or climb straight to the top, have their photo taken, and then trot back down and spend the rest of the expedition playing PS3? The latter, of course. That way they can boast that they climbed K2 in record time.’
    I could stand it no longer. I got to my feet and rushed from the control room, dashing down the corridor in search of a room where I could be alone with my misery.
     
I stumbled into the TARDY’S extensive car-parking facility, a room just large enough to take a narrow single bed. On this I flung myself, and abandoned myself to my grief.
    After a while, as my sobs died away, I thought I heard something.
    ‘Hello?’ came a voice. It sounded tinny, distant, like a voice over a crystal radio set.
    ‘What?’ I snapped. ‘Who’s that? What?’
    ‘To whom do I have the pleasure of speaking—?’
    ‘Leave me alone!’
    ‘Is that the handsome young male assistant to the Doctor?’ asked the voice.
    My curiosity was engaged just enough to overcome my self-pity. I looked around the tiny room: four grey walls, a grey ceiling; a bed (nothing underneath it; I checked). There was nowhere for another person to hide. ‘Who is this?’
    ‘I am the Master Debater,’ declared the voice. As soon as he said it, I thought to myself: I knew I recognised the voice.
    ‘Didn’t we abandon you upon Earth in nineteen-twelve? ’ I said.
    ‘Indeed you did. In the freezing waters of the North Atlantic. Hardly polite.’
    ‘But I suppose you have your own TARDY.’
    ‘Indeed.’
    ‘And how are you able to speak to me now?’
    ‘I’ve patched an audio-communication through the TARDY’S control panel.’
    ‘You’ve done what ?’
    ‘It’s a complicated business, and one that would take me too long to explain fully.’
    ‘What do you want?’
    ‘I need your help,’ said the Master Debater.
    ‘Why should I help you?’ I asked. ‘You are the Evil Time-gentleman.’
    ‘Why should you help the Doctor ?’ the ET countered. ‘He killed the woman you loved.’
    I was silent for ten or fifteen seconds. ‘You know about that,’ I said.
    ‘I told you . . . I’ve been in effect