time I passed out, what time I woke up. What were the circumstances when I passed out. But it got to be too much trouble. I started seeing how much time I was losing. Allthat did was just depress me. I was depressed enough already. So I just quit doing it.
“It’s best to just not think about it. I mean it doesn’t do any good. Hell, I’m happy enough. Nobody messes with me. Of course some people are scared of me. Little kids especially. I guess I hate that worse than anything. I don’t get out much in the daytime. Usually just at night. I don’t see my mother and my brother too much. I don’t hide from them. I’m not hiding from them. I’m just staying in my room.”
She’s on a big death kick. Has been ever since Daddy died. Wants to join him. She lays in her room every night and prays to die. She thinks if she prays hard enough, God’ll let her die. Or make her die. You can’t talk any sense to her. So finally I just quit. I just started staying in my room all the time. Max can’t do anything with her. And when he gets off from work he doesn’t want to listen to that shit. You can’t blame him. It’s a wonder he hasn’t moved out. Both of us are probably stopping him from finding him a woman to marry and moving out and starting a family of his own.
Asking God to take her. How does anybody even know what God is? Other than love. I told her one time to look at it like this: Say you live off in the woods somewhere, like this tribe they found a while back. And you live a pretty good life, don’t murder or rape anybody, and then die. And you’ve never had a chance to receive the word of God just because the missionaries never could find you.Do you think God is going to send you to hell just because you were never allowed the opportunity to read a Bible? I said Hell, what if you couldn’t even read? She didn’t know how to answer that.
“Daddy started drinking a lot worse after I came back in the shape I’m in. We lost our place. He’d got us to where we had over two hundred acres. Now we’ve got two. He got deeper and deeper in debt. They finally foreclosed on him. It’s just a bunch of shit.”
H e closed up on me again. Just turned his head away. Just get to going good and he’d hush. Eyes would roll away from me and you could tell he was thinking about something else.
It didn’t matter. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk while they was mopping the floor and all. We didn’t talk then. Aw I spoke to Hazel and them while they was cleaning up and changing bed sheets and all but he wouldn’t let them change his. Said he hadn’t been on them long enough to need changing.
I didn’t know what was the matter with him. But finally they left and he started talking again. After he got him another beer he did.
“I don’t know how many nights ago this was now. I don’t know how long I’ve been out. But I was in there in my room trying to read. The power was off and it was so hot you couldn’t stand to stay in there. Couldn’t even run the fan without the generator, and I was out of gas.
“I’ve got one of these little Honda generators. The power goes off so much, I bought one. I ran me a pipe through the wall to take the exhaust outside. I got tired of watching a movie and having the power go off. It’s pretty neat. You can hook your TV and your VCR into one outlet and the little sumbitch’ll just sit there and hum. Tell TVA to get fucked.
“Well, she was in there in her room, moaning and all. Praying to die. And Max came in. He goes into her room every night to check on her. And I mean she was just screaming and moaning and praying God to die until I got tired of listening to it. So I just climbed out the window and went down the road to the beer store. I usually just climb out the window instead of walking through the house. If I walk through the house and they see me, they try to talk me into coming out of my room. So it’s easier to just climb out the window. No muss, no fuss. That
“It’s best to just not think about it. I mean it doesn’t do any good. Hell, I’m happy enough. Nobody messes with me. Of course some people are scared of me. Little kids especially. I guess I hate that worse than anything. I don’t get out much in the daytime. Usually just at night. I don’t see my mother and my brother too much. I don’t hide from them. I’m not hiding from them. I’m just staying in my room.”
She’s on a big death kick. Has been ever since Daddy died. Wants to join him. She lays in her room every night and prays to die. She thinks if she prays hard enough, God’ll let her die. Or make her die. You can’t talk any sense to her. So finally I just quit. I just started staying in my room all the time. Max can’t do anything with her. And when he gets off from work he doesn’t want to listen to that shit. You can’t blame him. It’s a wonder he hasn’t moved out. Both of us are probably stopping him from finding him a woman to marry and moving out and starting a family of his own.
Asking God to take her. How does anybody even know what God is? Other than love. I told her one time to look at it like this: Say you live off in the woods somewhere, like this tribe they found a while back. And you live a pretty good life, don’t murder or rape anybody, and then die. And you’ve never had a chance to receive the word of God just because the missionaries never could find you.Do you think God is going to send you to hell just because you were never allowed the opportunity to read a Bible? I said Hell, what if you couldn’t even read? She didn’t know how to answer that.
“Daddy started drinking a lot worse after I came back in the shape I’m in. We lost our place. He’d got us to where we had over two hundred acres. Now we’ve got two. He got deeper and deeper in debt. They finally foreclosed on him. It’s just a bunch of shit.”
H e closed up on me again. Just turned his head away. Just get to going good and he’d hush. Eyes would roll away from me and you could tell he was thinking about something else.
It didn’t matter. Maybe he just didn’t want to talk while they was mopping the floor and all. We didn’t talk then. Aw I spoke to Hazel and them while they was cleaning up and changing bed sheets and all but he wouldn’t let them change his. Said he hadn’t been on them long enough to need changing.
I didn’t know what was the matter with him. But finally they left and he started talking again. After he got him another beer he did.
“I don’t know how many nights ago this was now. I don’t know how long I’ve been out. But I was in there in my room trying to read. The power was off and it was so hot you couldn’t stand to stay in there. Couldn’t even run the fan without the generator, and I was out of gas.
“I’ve got one of these little Honda generators. The power goes off so much, I bought one. I ran me a pipe through the wall to take the exhaust outside. I got tired of watching a movie and having the power go off. It’s pretty neat. You can hook your TV and your VCR into one outlet and the little sumbitch’ll just sit there and hum. Tell TVA to get fucked.
“Well, she was in there in her room, moaning and all. Praying to die. And Max came in. He goes into her room every night to check on her. And I mean she was just screaming and moaning and praying God to die until I got tired of listening to it. So I just climbed out the window and went down the road to the beer store. I usually just climb out the window instead of walking through the house. If I walk through the house and they see me, they try to talk me into coming out of my room. So it’s easier to just climb out the window. No muss, no fuss. That
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