mood for her banter. I stood on the other side with a couple of t-shirts in hand and tried to smile normally.
I saw Patrick and his friends coming in the door. I wondered why they even bothered to come to these things. It wasn’t like they were all about school spirit or anything. I watched him as he laughed and pushed and joked with his friends. He saw me watching and his smile disappeared into a frown. He looked away immediately and hurried inside. I felt like the worst kind of person. But at least he came; he showed everyone he wasn’t going to hide and cower just because they embarrassed him. I felt someone behind me and turned to tell Sarah to please just leave me by myself for a minute. But it was Eli.
“Eli,” I breathed.
“Clara,” he said gruffly. “I see Patrick’s here. Can’t keep a nice guy down, huh?”
“I guess not. I’m glad he came,” I told him but couldn’t lift my face to look at him.
“Why? Dee and Mike not finished with him yet,” he said snidely.
“No, it’s not that,” I said softly and couldn’t find anything else to say.
I just stared up at him and wondered if there was any way to fix all the mess. He grabbed my arm gently and pulled me to the wall. He leaned me against it with a hand pushing my stomach and though his words were harsh, his face was pleading.
“You are so much better than them; than this. You’re not the kind person who hurts people. I know you’re not. You choose your own actions. No one can make you do something, Clara.”
“I know that,” I said and pushed his hand away. “I didn’t mean for that to happen to him. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“But you don’t ever stand up to them. They make their whole life about ruining others. The Clara I thought I was getting to know, who’s sweet and sad and thoughtful all at the same time, wouldn’t be ok with other people being hurt like that.”
He was right and I was so done with it all, everything; the guilt, the sadness, the need for things to be perfect and normal. I pushed him aside so I could leave and I went straight home. Sarah yelled at me to come back, that we weren’t done yet, but I didn’t care and didn’t stop. And she didn’t call me to check on me that night either.
Mrs. Ruth caught me on the stairs, wiping her hands on a dishtowel of something she was cooking for dinner.
“Clara, I thought you had a match tonight?”
“I did but I left. I’m gonna go to bed, I’m not feeling too well.”
“Are you ok?” she touched my forehead with the backs of her fingers. “You don’t feel warm but you looked a little flushed.”
“I’m fine. I’m not really hungry, just gonna go to bed. Don’t worry. I’m just tired,” I included so she wouldn’t feel the need to check up on me.
She called up to me with a sweet “Feel better”.
After a shower in which I cried in self pity and stayed way too long in the hot water, I sat on my bed and debated shutting my eyes. I mean it wasn’t real. Apparently I was having some kind of breakdown. The death of my parents had pushed me over the edge somehow but it was only now that I was feeling the effects; a delayed response due to denial or shock maybe. I didn’t know, but I did know that I wasn’t ready to see Eli when I closed my eyes. To see his disappointment in me and hear him tell me I was stupid for worrying about Tate and everything else.
But I knew I couldn’t fight it all night. So I lay back and closed my eyes and was met with nothing but darkness. Eventually I drifted to sleep and Eli never made an appearance. I guessed I was going crazy after all.
~ ~ ~
I decided to lie.
I was in no mood to face everyone at school, with their smug grins that had no place on their faces. I didn’t want to face Tate and his guilt and dodge the begging ceremony I knew he was trying to stage. And I didn’t want to face
I saw Patrick and his friends coming in the door. I wondered why they even bothered to come to these things. It wasn’t like they were all about school spirit or anything. I watched him as he laughed and pushed and joked with his friends. He saw me watching and his smile disappeared into a frown. He looked away immediately and hurried inside. I felt like the worst kind of person. But at least he came; he showed everyone he wasn’t going to hide and cower just because they embarrassed him. I felt someone behind me and turned to tell Sarah to please just leave me by myself for a minute. But it was Eli.
“Eli,” I breathed.
“Clara,” he said gruffly. “I see Patrick’s here. Can’t keep a nice guy down, huh?”
“I guess not. I’m glad he came,” I told him but couldn’t lift my face to look at him.
“Why? Dee and Mike not finished with him yet,” he said snidely.
“No, it’s not that,” I said softly and couldn’t find anything else to say.
I just stared up at him and wondered if there was any way to fix all the mess. He grabbed my arm gently and pulled me to the wall. He leaned me against it with a hand pushing my stomach and though his words were harsh, his face was pleading.
“You are so much better than them; than this. You’re not the kind person who hurts people. I know you’re not. You choose your own actions. No one can make you do something, Clara.”
“I know that,” I said and pushed his hand away. “I didn’t mean for that to happen to him. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
“But you don’t ever stand up to them. They make their whole life about ruining others. The Clara I thought I was getting to know, who’s sweet and sad and thoughtful all at the same time, wouldn’t be ok with other people being hurt like that.”
He was right and I was so done with it all, everything; the guilt, the sadness, the need for things to be perfect and normal. I pushed him aside so I could leave and I went straight home. Sarah yelled at me to come back, that we weren’t done yet, but I didn’t care and didn’t stop. And she didn’t call me to check on me that night either.
Mrs. Ruth caught me on the stairs, wiping her hands on a dishtowel of something she was cooking for dinner.
“Clara, I thought you had a match tonight?”
“I did but I left. I’m gonna go to bed, I’m not feeling too well.”
“Are you ok?” she touched my forehead with the backs of her fingers. “You don’t feel warm but you looked a little flushed.”
“I’m fine. I’m not really hungry, just gonna go to bed. Don’t worry. I’m just tired,” I included so she wouldn’t feel the need to check up on me.
She called up to me with a sweet “Feel better”.
After a shower in which I cried in self pity and stayed way too long in the hot water, I sat on my bed and debated shutting my eyes. I mean it wasn’t real. Apparently I was having some kind of breakdown. The death of my parents had pushed me over the edge somehow but it was only now that I was feeling the effects; a delayed response due to denial or shock maybe. I didn’t know, but I did know that I wasn’t ready to see Eli when I closed my eyes. To see his disappointment in me and hear him tell me I was stupid for worrying about Tate and everything else.
But I knew I couldn’t fight it all night. So I lay back and closed my eyes and was met with nothing but darkness. Eventually I drifted to sleep and Eli never made an appearance. I guessed I was going crazy after all.
~ ~ ~
I decided to lie.
I was in no mood to face everyone at school, with their smug grins that had no place on their faces. I didn’t want to face Tate and his guilt and dodge the begging ceremony I knew he was trying to stage. And I didn’t want to face
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