Read Online Dave Barry's Homes and Other Black Holes by Dave Barry - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Dave Barry
Ads: Link
dust cloud we have discovered since the one we discovered last week, and we believe that it may provide us with valuable insights into the mystery of how we can obtain additional federal grants.”
What scientists are learning, through these dramatic breakthrough discoveries, is something that many of us have suspected for a long time, namely that the universe is made up almost entirely of dirt. More and more, scientists are suspecting that the Big Bang was in fact the explosion of a small but very densely packed vacuum cleaner bag.
So we must accept the fact that we live in a universe swarming with particles of filth that are ceaselessly trying to get into our homes and inflict themselves upon us, similar to insurance salespersons, but in some cases even more distasteful. Hard to believe? I thought so, too, until a short while back, when the people who publish the
Allergy Relief Newsletter
were thoughtful enough to send me, at their own expense, apiece of junk mail stating that my entire household was teeming with tiny dirt creatures named “dust mites,” which sound like harmless and friendly commercially licensed characters such as might have their own Saturday morning cartoon show sponsored by the sugar industry, until you look at the photograph showing a dust mite enlarged several thousand times, and it looks exactly like the kind of hostile giant mutant insect that was always destroying Tokyo in those movies that the Japanese used to make before they figured out how to do cars. According to the folks at the
Allergy Relief Newsletter
, these dust mites are swarming everywhere, including
inside your nose
, millions of them per nostril. And although they are, fortunately, a peaceful species, not generally known to attack humans except during mating season, we need to be aware of them, because they serve as a constant nasal reminder of our central point, which, as best we can remember, is: There is a
lot
of dirt around.
What this means is that you, as a homeowner, have to make a decision: Are you going to let the dirt overcome you, so that youlive your life encrusted by a permanent layer of greasy yellowish filth, so that you are no better than slugs writhing in their own putrid slime? Or are you going to make the commitment, in time, in effort, to fighting back—to really trying to keep your new home neat and tidy?
I have tried it both ways, and trust me, the writhing slug approach is better. You don’t think important people, such as members of the U.S. Supreme Court, waste time cleaning, do you? Of course not! Their homes are filthy.
They
are filthy. That’s why they wear those robes: they have whole tribes of dust mites under there. Because they have learned, like so many other people, that if you really, seriously try to keep your house clean, you gradually turn into one of those TV commercial housewives who are always frowning with grave concern at their bathroom bowls and having conversations like this with their friends:
FIRST HOUSEWIFE : Whatever is the matter, Sue?
SECOND HOUSEWIFE : Oh, Betty, I am so very upset because Waxy Yellow Builduphas caused my kitchen floor to look like some kind of gigantic nasal discharge!
FIRST HOUSEWIFE : Lordy yes, it does.
SECOND HOUSEWIFE : And Bob is bringing home the archbishop tonight!! Whatever shall I do?!
FIRST HOUSEWIFE : If it was me, I would take a major credit card and fly to the Caribbean island of Antigua and drink for days with strange men.
SECOND HOUSEWIFE : That is what I was thinking.
So we see that it can lead to bad things, this obsession some people have with house-cleaning. What you want to do, in your household, is adopt the cleaning system my wife and I use, which is based on the old philosophical question: “If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make any sound?” (The answer, by the way, is yes; the tree goes: “Moo.”) Our theory is, if there is nobody besides ourselves around to see the dirt, then
the
What scientists are learning, through these dramatic breakthrough discoveries, is something that many of us have suspected for a long time, namely that the universe is made up almost entirely of dirt. More and more, scientists are suspecting that the Big Bang was in fact the explosion of a small but very densely packed vacuum cleaner bag.
So we must accept the fact that we live in a universe swarming with particles of filth that are ceaselessly trying to get into our homes and inflict themselves upon us, similar to insurance salespersons, but in some cases even more distasteful. Hard to believe? I thought so, too, until a short while back, when the people who publish the
Allergy Relief Newsletter
were thoughtful enough to send me, at their own expense, apiece of junk mail stating that my entire household was teeming with tiny dirt creatures named “dust mites,” which sound like harmless and friendly commercially licensed characters such as might have their own Saturday morning cartoon show sponsored by the sugar industry, until you look at the photograph showing a dust mite enlarged several thousand times, and it looks exactly like the kind of hostile giant mutant insect that was always destroying Tokyo in those movies that the Japanese used to make before they figured out how to do cars. According to the folks at the
Allergy Relief Newsletter
, these dust mites are swarming everywhere, including
inside your nose
, millions of them per nostril. And although they are, fortunately, a peaceful species, not generally known to attack humans except during mating season, we need to be aware of them, because they serve as a constant nasal reminder of our central point, which, as best we can remember, is: There is a
lot
of dirt around.
What this means is that you, as a homeowner, have to make a decision: Are you going to let the dirt overcome you, so that youlive your life encrusted by a permanent layer of greasy yellowish filth, so that you are no better than slugs writhing in their own putrid slime? Or are you going to make the commitment, in time, in effort, to fighting back—to really trying to keep your new home neat and tidy?
I have tried it both ways, and trust me, the writhing slug approach is better. You don’t think important people, such as members of the U.S. Supreme Court, waste time cleaning, do you? Of course not! Their homes are filthy.
They
are filthy. That’s why they wear those robes: they have whole tribes of dust mites under there. Because they have learned, like so many other people, that if you really, seriously try to keep your house clean, you gradually turn into one of those TV commercial housewives who are always frowning with grave concern at their bathroom bowls and having conversations like this with their friends:
FIRST HOUSEWIFE : Whatever is the matter, Sue?
SECOND HOUSEWIFE : Oh, Betty, I am so very upset because Waxy Yellow Builduphas caused my kitchen floor to look like some kind of gigantic nasal discharge!
FIRST HOUSEWIFE : Lordy yes, it does.
SECOND HOUSEWIFE : And Bob is bringing home the archbishop tonight!! Whatever shall I do?!
FIRST HOUSEWIFE : If it was me, I would take a major credit card and fly to the Caribbean island of Antigua and drink for days with strange men.
SECOND HOUSEWIFE : That is what I was thinking.
So we see that it can lead to bad things, this obsession some people have with house-cleaning. What you want to do, in your household, is adopt the cleaning system my wife and I use, which is based on the old philosophical question: “If a tree falls in the forest, and nobody is there to hear it, does it make any sound?” (The answer, by the way, is yes; the tree goes: “Moo.”) Our theory is, if there is nobody besides ourselves around to see the dirt, then
the
Similar Books
