Read Online Dark Angel (Anders Knutas 6) by Mari Jungstedt - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Mari Jungstedt
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one had time for the feelings of loss that my siblings and I were trying to deal with. We ended up in the shadows. And that’s how things were to remain.
Actually, I’ve been in the shadows ever since I was born. Like someone who really has no right to live. I wonder why I was born at all.
Mamma never wanted me. She told me that herself.
She has always said that she thinks it was a miracle I could be such a happy child when she was in such despair while she was pregnant with me. At first she was utterly beside herself when she found out she was going to have another baby. Then she wept every day as I grew inside of her. Apparently it was hard to tell that she was even carrying a child until close to the end. That was how strongly she tried to deny me.
I must have been about fourteen when I heard the story for the first time. She related the tale as if it were a funny anecdote. I don’t remember having any particular reaction; I didn’t feel angry or upset. I assume my response was the usual one. Acceptance. I simply accepted the insult – hook, line and sinker. Just as I put up with everything she said about me, no matter how denigrating her words. I can hear her voice echoing inside my head.
‘And just imagine – even though I was so upset about having you, you were incredibly happy when you came out! Right from the very beginning!’
Sure, Mamma. Imagine that. And why exactly are you telling me how unwanted I was? I have no bloody idea.
I’m dressed now. I have to go out of the door, take the lift downstairs, and mingle with all the people out on the street. I take a breath. A deep breath.
LINA PHONED JUST as Knutas was heading down the corridor to the investigative team’s morning meeting. He’d left home very early, before she was awake. Knutas’s Danish wife was on her way to her job as a midwife at Visby Hospital. She’d started taking a walk every morning before breakfast. It was another of her countless attempts to lose weight. Knutas didn’t think there was anything wrong with his wife’s plump figure, but she was always trying to get rid of a few extra pounds. At the moment she had high hopes for the diet based on the glycaemic index, which was the current fad. Consequently, whenever it was her turn to do the cooking, their meals consisted of meat, fish and salads. Potatoes, pasta and rice had been replaced by lentils and beans, although Knutas and the children weren’t happy about the substitution. Because of their protests, she had relented enough to serve whole-grain pasta.
‘Good morning,’ Lina gasped on the phone, sounding out of breath. ‘How’s it going?’
‘OK, but we’re really busy. We’ve got a meeting in a few minutes.’
‘I just had to phone you because Nils is sick.’
Knutas stopped in his tracks.
‘What’s the matter with him?’
‘This morning it was almost impossible to wake him. He said that he’d hardly slept at all and that his stomach hurt.’
‘Hurt in what way?’
‘He says it aches but he hasn’t thrown up, and he doesn’t have a fever. At any rate, I let him stay home from school.’
‘That’s good. I’ve got a lot on my plate today, but I might be able to drop by to see him later on.’
Lina’s work schedule was not as flexible as his since she was assigned specific shifts at the hospital.
‘That would be great. I know you have to go, so we’ll talk later.’
‘I’ll phone Nils.’
‘No, don’t do that. He went back to sleep.’
‘OK. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’
Worry instantly settled over Knutas. Nils hadn’t been himself lately, and maybe it wasn’t all due to puberty.
Still thinking about his son, he went into the conference room for the first meeting of the day with the investigative team.
Chief Prosecutor Birger Smittenberg was already in his place at the table, intently leafing through the morning newspaper. He glanced up at Knutas and gave him a distracted greeting. Wittberg and Jacobsson were sitting next
Actually, I’ve been in the shadows ever since I was born. Like someone who really has no right to live. I wonder why I was born at all.
Mamma never wanted me. She told me that herself.
She has always said that she thinks it was a miracle I could be such a happy child when she was in such despair while she was pregnant with me. At first she was utterly beside herself when she found out she was going to have another baby. Then she wept every day as I grew inside of her. Apparently it was hard to tell that she was even carrying a child until close to the end. That was how strongly she tried to deny me.
I must have been about fourteen when I heard the story for the first time. She related the tale as if it were a funny anecdote. I don’t remember having any particular reaction; I didn’t feel angry or upset. I assume my response was the usual one. Acceptance. I simply accepted the insult – hook, line and sinker. Just as I put up with everything she said about me, no matter how denigrating her words. I can hear her voice echoing inside my head.
‘And just imagine – even though I was so upset about having you, you were incredibly happy when you came out! Right from the very beginning!’
Sure, Mamma. Imagine that. And why exactly are you telling me how unwanted I was? I have no bloody idea.
I’m dressed now. I have to go out of the door, take the lift downstairs, and mingle with all the people out on the street. I take a breath. A deep breath.
LINA PHONED JUST as Knutas was heading down the corridor to the investigative team’s morning meeting. He’d left home very early, before she was awake. Knutas’s Danish wife was on her way to her job as a midwife at Visby Hospital. She’d started taking a walk every morning before breakfast. It was another of her countless attempts to lose weight. Knutas didn’t think there was anything wrong with his wife’s plump figure, but she was always trying to get rid of a few extra pounds. At the moment she had high hopes for the diet based on the glycaemic index, which was the current fad. Consequently, whenever it was her turn to do the cooking, their meals consisted of meat, fish and salads. Potatoes, pasta and rice had been replaced by lentils and beans, although Knutas and the children weren’t happy about the substitution. Because of their protests, she had relented enough to serve whole-grain pasta.
‘Good morning,’ Lina gasped on the phone, sounding out of breath. ‘How’s it going?’
‘OK, but we’re really busy. We’ve got a meeting in a few minutes.’
‘I just had to phone you because Nils is sick.’
Knutas stopped in his tracks.
‘What’s the matter with him?’
‘This morning it was almost impossible to wake him. He said that he’d hardly slept at all and that his stomach hurt.’
‘Hurt in what way?’
‘He says it aches but he hasn’t thrown up, and he doesn’t have a fever. At any rate, I let him stay home from school.’
‘That’s good. I’ve got a lot on my plate today, but I might be able to drop by to see him later on.’
Lina’s work schedule was not as flexible as his since she was assigned specific shifts at the hospital.
‘That would be great. I know you have to go, so we’ll talk later.’
‘I’ll phone Nils.’
‘No, don’t do that. He went back to sleep.’
‘OK. Love you.’
‘Love you too.’
Worry instantly settled over Knutas. Nils hadn’t been himself lately, and maybe it wasn’t all due to puberty.
Still thinking about his son, he went into the conference room for the first meeting of the day with the investigative team.
Chief Prosecutor Birger Smittenberg was already in his place at the table, intently leafing through the morning newspaper. He glanced up at Knutas and gave him a distracted greeting. Wittberg and Jacobsson were sitting next
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