Read Online Curses! by J. A. Kazimer - Free Book Online Page B

direction, and morals, but I digress.
    Around noon, exhausted from detecting, I returned to Cinderella’s pink bedroom for a long afternoon siesta. As soon as my head hit the pillow, I yelped in pain and jumped from the bed. Rubbing the back of my head, I glanced down between the headboard and mattress. There, stuck in the crack, was a small makeup mirror. The kind women “powder their nose” with, but in actuality use to catch their unsuspecting villainous husbands checking out the waitress at Hooters.
    I pulled the compact from the crack and wiped the dust away, revealing a shiny exterior with a large blue stone in the center. Pretty, but more importantly, the gem alone was worth $127 at the pawnshop. A vill-estimate. Of course, the union would take their 15 percent, calling it a “commission,” but in reality, it was extortion, which as a villain, I greatly respected.
    Pocketing the mirror, I stretched out across the bed and promptly fell asleep. Or maybe I passed out from the head injury. Either way, when I awoke a couple hours later, I was ready to tackle goal number two—ridding the kingdom of an unspeakable evil, also known as Natasha, my ex-wife.
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    At two-thirty that afternoon, after a brief stop at the pawnshop, I stomped through the Enchanted Forest on my way to meet my ex. Overgrown fir and arrogant oak trees swept across the well-worn path. Dried dead leaves in an array of colors blanketed the dirt, swirling in the sudden brisk wind. I pulled my hooded sweatshirt tighter and grinned. The air smelled of rotting leaves, ozone, and a touch of evil.
    I loved the fall.
    About a mile from my destination, a small pond filled with lily pads sat under the shade of a copse of pine trees. Toads croaked and flies buzzed around the greenish water. But they didn’t capture my attention.
    Nope.
    A perfectly formed ass caught my eye. Bent over the pond, the woman attached to the butt appeared not to hear me approach. I stopped a few feet away, afraid if I startled her she would fall headfirst into the murky water, which of course would force me to dive in after her. Since I was more of the “make the damsel distressed” type, rescuing her might send the wrong message.
    The woman in question bent even closer to the water, scooped out a toad, and kissed it. Yuck. As perfect as her butt was, the woman had obviously lost her mind. I started to turn away, intent on escaping from yet another crazed chick from Maledetto. Damn kingdom bred them like blind mice. I took one step before the woman screamed. A loud splash followed.
    Using every ounce of evil willpower, I fought my body’s do-gooding desire to rescue her. Of course, my treacherous body ultimately won, and I dived in the cold, stagnant pond water. Green sludge oozed through my fingers as I dove deeper, searching the black waters for any sign of the chick with toad breath. My lungs began to burn and a low-pitched whistling reverberated inside my skull. Yet there was still no sign of the woman. I forced my body to continue the search.
    There. At the very bottom of the pond sat the toad-kissing lunatic. She wasn’t even struggling. Rather she sat on the pond floor, her hair floating like seaweed around her. In fact, she seemed to be waiting for something. Or somebody.
    I wrapped my arms around her waist and tugged her toward the surface. Her petticoats, about five layers of them, worked as counterweights, pulling us both to the bottom of the pond again. By this time, my body had lost the will to survive, or at least the will to save a crazy chick from a watery death. Of course, my cursed self failed to see my body’s point, and worked that much harder to climb back to the surface.
    When we finally broke through the skin of lily pads, the woman screamed and began to thrash around. Her arm smacked me in the nose, and I nearly let her go. “Stop it,” I said as her knee collided with my thigh. “If you knee me in the