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Authors: M.Q. Barber
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a dominant voice. Jay probably couldn’t imagine Henry begging for anything. She sure as hell couldn’t.
No matter how much Jay wanted to believe Henry, he’d never believe Henry understood his desperation. How much he’d hated himself for being weak. For not being the kind of guy who’d take whatever power submissive partners gave him and mock them behind their backs for it. The kind of man like Cal, who could beat Jay until he bled and call it a good time.
Until he’d met Henry, Jay would’ve wondered, wouldn’t he? If those people he’d been having a good time pleasing praised him to his face and mocked him when he’d gone. If they were supposed to.
Henry could tell Jay—probably had told Jay—a million times that men like Cal and Jay’s coworker were the wrong and disgusting and pathetic ones. Didn’t matter. Jay’d only remember how they’d made him feel about himself. Victimized by the echoes of their cruelty.
“Do you…” Faltering, she grounded herself in the supporting presence of Henry’s hand splayed wide across the center of her back. “Do you think I’m disgusting, Jay?”
“No!” Jay’s gaze, wide and horrified, darted to hers. “Never—Alice, I’d never—”
“Twenty minutes ago, I begged Henry to flog me harder.” She pushed herself to say the rest, to ignore her sister’s voice in her head, because she refused to be ashamed of this, dammit. But, Jesus, if the struggle taxed her resolve when her sister didn’t mean to make her feel bad, how much harder did Jay work to ignore those voices? “I wanted it, Jay. Hell, I can’t even tell you how many times I came tonight because of it.”
He jerked as if she’d hit him. “That’s different. He’s Henry . He wouldn’t hurt you. I would’ve followed anyone.”
Fine. He wouldn’t believe it was the same thing, not now, but maybe she’d plant a seed. “Yeah? And less than five minutes after the first time you told me you and Henry wanted to fuck me, I let him bend me over a table and strip my underwear off and fuck me like I was the appetizer. And I liked it . If he’d told me to, I would’ve gotten on my knees and sucked him off afterward. I’m not ashamed of it.”
Christ, she’d gotten loud. Henry rubbed her back.
Calm. Calm for Jay. “This guy, this Cal, you looked up to him and he took advantage of that to hurt you. He’s the one who oughta be ashamed, but he won’t be, because people like him never are.” She stretched across Henry, touched Jay’s fingers, sought a loose clasp when he didn’t avoid her.
“You’re not any more pathetic or disgusting than I am. You’re playful and sweet and giving. You just needed the right person. The one who’d respect those things about you.”
Jay stared at their entwined fingers and smiled. “Henry was the only person to approach me all night.”
By design. She’d lay money on it. Henry answered her glance with a brief nod. He might’ve stood between Jay and potential partners like a guard dog for hours.
“He came right up and asked me to sub for him for the rest of the night. I said yes without even thinking. Without asking what he wanted from me. Even with what had happened, I just, I needed .” Jay shook his head.
“Cal liked whips?” She couldn’t snap her fingers and give Jay his self-worth back. He’d talk himself back into feeling ashamed if she let him. The feeling would be waiting for the next time he felt insecure.
“Yeah. A lot.”
“Did you like whips?” That’s why Henry was quick to praise him. To show Jay his approval. Make Jay feel safe to be himself.
“I liked pleasing people.” Jay gave her a rueful smile. “How didn’t matter so much. But I didn’t dislike them. At least, not before.”
She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles. They weren’t so different. She enjoyed pleasing Henry in their games and his approval and praise afterward. Enjoyed the false feeling of closeness and intimacy that sex provided, the
No matter how much Jay wanted to believe Henry, he’d never believe Henry understood his desperation. How much he’d hated himself for being weak. For not being the kind of guy who’d take whatever power submissive partners gave him and mock them behind their backs for it. The kind of man like Cal, who could beat Jay until he bled and call it a good time.
Until he’d met Henry, Jay would’ve wondered, wouldn’t he? If those people he’d been having a good time pleasing praised him to his face and mocked him when he’d gone. If they were supposed to.
Henry could tell Jay—probably had told Jay—a million times that men like Cal and Jay’s coworker were the wrong and disgusting and pathetic ones. Didn’t matter. Jay’d only remember how they’d made him feel about himself. Victimized by the echoes of their cruelty.
“Do you…” Faltering, she grounded herself in the supporting presence of Henry’s hand splayed wide across the center of her back. “Do you think I’m disgusting, Jay?”
“No!” Jay’s gaze, wide and horrified, darted to hers. “Never—Alice, I’d never—”
“Twenty minutes ago, I begged Henry to flog me harder.” She pushed herself to say the rest, to ignore her sister’s voice in her head, because she refused to be ashamed of this, dammit. But, Jesus, if the struggle taxed her resolve when her sister didn’t mean to make her feel bad, how much harder did Jay work to ignore those voices? “I wanted it, Jay. Hell, I can’t even tell you how many times I came tonight because of it.”
He jerked as if she’d hit him. “That’s different. He’s Henry . He wouldn’t hurt you. I would’ve followed anyone.”
Fine. He wouldn’t believe it was the same thing, not now, but maybe she’d plant a seed. “Yeah? And less than five minutes after the first time you told me you and Henry wanted to fuck me, I let him bend me over a table and strip my underwear off and fuck me like I was the appetizer. And I liked it . If he’d told me to, I would’ve gotten on my knees and sucked him off afterward. I’m not ashamed of it.”
Christ, she’d gotten loud. Henry rubbed her back.
Calm. Calm for Jay. “This guy, this Cal, you looked up to him and he took advantage of that to hurt you. He’s the one who oughta be ashamed, but he won’t be, because people like him never are.” She stretched across Henry, touched Jay’s fingers, sought a loose clasp when he didn’t avoid her.
“You’re not any more pathetic or disgusting than I am. You’re playful and sweet and giving. You just needed the right person. The one who’d respect those things about you.”
Jay stared at their entwined fingers and smiled. “Henry was the only person to approach me all night.”
By design. She’d lay money on it. Henry answered her glance with a brief nod. He might’ve stood between Jay and potential partners like a guard dog for hours.
“He came right up and asked me to sub for him for the rest of the night. I said yes without even thinking. Without asking what he wanted from me. Even with what had happened, I just, I needed .” Jay shook his head.
“Cal liked whips?” She couldn’t snap her fingers and give Jay his self-worth back. He’d talk himself back into feeling ashamed if she let him. The feeling would be waiting for the next time he felt insecure.
“Yeah. A lot.”
“Did you like whips?” That’s why Henry was quick to praise him. To show Jay his approval. Make Jay feel safe to be himself.
“I liked pleasing people.” Jay gave her a rueful smile. “How didn’t matter so much. But I didn’t dislike them. At least, not before.”
She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles. They weren’t so different. She enjoyed pleasing Henry in their games and his approval and praise afterward. Enjoyed the false feeling of closeness and intimacy that sex provided, the
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