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made me gasp a little, but I liked the feel of it, right inside me, a living
aide-mémoire
.
    He wrapped his arms tightly around me and buried his face in my shoulder for a few moments. When he withdrew it, he looked sheepish.
    ‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
    ‘It really hurt,’ I said, ‘but that was what I needed. Don’t be sorry.’
    ‘No, not that,’ he said with a little snuffle of a laugh. ‘I’d have given you twice as many strokes if you’d given me a hint of defiance. No, I mean … afterwards.’
    ‘Oh, you shouldn’t be sorry about that. I’m certainly not.’
    His lips twisted in a quick smile but his eyes were troubled.
    ‘I feel like I’ve fucked up. No, don’t make some silly joke, I’m serious. You want this and I want to help you. If I turn it into a kinky sex game because I can’t control my, uh, urges, then …’
    ‘Oh, don’t be so hard on yourself, love.’
    ‘Well, that’s it. It’s
you
I’m supposed to be hard on.’
    ‘But it gives you a hard-on.’
    ‘Oh, shut
up
, Pip.’
    I buttoned my lip. He sounded on the verge of tears, bless him.
    ‘I mean, if I’m going to do this, I want to do it right.’
    That’s very Dan, that is. He’s not a man to do anything by halves, and he doesn’t shirk the difficult bits.
    ‘Yes, but that book … it’s only one way of doing things. One guy’s way. We don’t have to follow it to the letter, do we? We can tailor our own version.’
    ‘Yeah, I know, I agree. But it’s too soon for that. I’m feeling my way … yes, yes, I know, literally. Don’t say it. I need the book, just while I’m establishing my own rules and routines.’
    ‘It’s like a hand to hold?’
    ‘Yeah.’
    ‘While the other hand is busy … elsewhere.’
    ‘Pip, you seem remarkably cheerful for somebody who’s just been soundly punished. Why is that?’
    I nuzzled his neck and kissed him. I felt madly, blissfully, hormonally in love with him. I mean, more than usually. It was weird.
    ‘Because it makes me feel loved. How upside-down is that? I can’t really explain it any better. And I don’t mean I didn’t already feel loved – because I did. But it makes me feel really deep-down cared for.’
    He blinked at me a few times in rapid succession.
    ‘Right,’ he said. ‘That’s funny. It’s something the book mentioned, but it also said I had to be careful afterwards, to make sure you realised I didn’t dislike you or, or, you know, wasn’t doing it to … Well, the thing is, I’m supposed to cheer
you
up afterwards. I’m supposed to tell you everything’s OK and I love you and everything’s forgotten and forgiven. But … it’s like … you’re doing that. I’m confused.’
    ‘It’s early days, darling. It’s a learning curve, for both of us.’
    I had to smother the desire to make some pathetic joke about how he was learning about my curves. Perhaps I should add that to the sin list. Inappropriate punning will be punished. God, I really can’t help myself.
    ‘I’m sorry, love. I don’t mean to be a dithering plank. I want to be all manly and firm-chinned and resolute and all that. I feel I’m failing in that.’
    ‘You’re the manliest, most resolute and firmest-chinned man on the planet, Daniel Wheatley. Don’t let anyone tell you different.’
    He seemed happy with that.

3 August
    I was optimistic about the direction all this was taking. And then I took a look at Book 2 of The Book.
    I wasn’t supposed to look at it.
    Dan has been guarding it with his life since I brought it back from the sorting office. He wrestled it off me within seconds and disappeared into the bedroom with it.
    When I followed him, he clutched it to his chest and ordered me out.
    ‘Can’t I see? It’s my business, surely.’
    ‘No, it isn’t. I need to inwardly digest it before I can share it. Pip, don’t. If you come any closer, I’ll have to, to spank you.’
    He sounded too anxious to be convincing, but I thought I’d let him have his way in