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Authors: Katherine Sharpe
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about some essay we’d read. And I stayed up all night writing a hundred words. Just having to be perfect—I can’t even tell you. When I think about that one incident now, I am like, ‘That is insane.’ ” That’s the point at which Emily decided that she had a serious and lasting problem with anxiety around performance-oriented tasks and deadlines, particularly ones involving writing. Since that time, Prozac has been a consistent part of her routine. The medication, she finds, frees her so she can do her work and meet her obligations. She believes it allowed her to finish college without losing her mind, and that it’s what facilitated her eventual choice of career. “I don’t think I’d be able to be a writer without it,” she said.
Even so, Emily thinks frequently about who she would be without Prozac, and whether her life might be better—or worse—if medication had never entered into it. “I do wonder,” she said. “I do think Prozac has helped me a lot. But I wonder, if I’d never gotten antidepressants, who would I be? What would I be like?” She sketched out a couple of possibilities. “For all I know, I wouldn’t be alive,” she said. “But maybe I would also be—I mean, what would Virginia Woolf have been like if she had taken antidepressants, you know? Maybe I would be great in some other way, but I would be unhappy.”
Sometimes, she worries that antidepressants block off an experience of herself that would be more intimate and direct, more “authentic.” The times she quit antidepressants in high school, she said, she was motivated by “a desire to be clear and clean, to just be absolutely myself.” She wonders whether, because of Prozac, she’s less “in touch with my body, and my feelings” than other people. In low moments, she can make herself feel bad by wondering whether her years of antidepressant use might have had a permanent effect: “Maybe I messed with who I really am by changing my body chemistry.”
Even today, Emily says that she’s often beguiled by a wish to leave Prozac behind and get, as she imagines it, back in touch with herself. On the day of our conversation she was even mulling over a plan. “I’ve been thinking,” she said. “Once I finish some articles, at the end of the year, maybe January or February, I need to take some time off work and spend some time, you know, reading, being outdoors or, you know, just to get myself—maybe that would be a time to go off Prozac and just see how it is.”
But the idea of taking a medication holiday is easier said than done for Emily. Taking antidepressants, she believes, is what allows her to pursue her chosen livelihood. Writing is how Emily supports herself. Being a writer is also her identity, one she’s worked hard for and that she values. “At this point, I literally feed and clothe and house myself one hundred percent through my writing,” she said. “So when I think about experimenting with going off medication, the chance of writing anxiety is more worrisome to me than the depression. Even on the best days, I don’t find writing to be easy. Can I really risk making it harder?” Or would she want to? Emily feels like a writer. It isn’t just what she does; it’s what she is. “I mean, I think about not writing,” she continued. “But then I’m like, what would I do ? And not even just the money. Can I really not write anymore? It feels kind of like a dead end.”
Emily thinks that she could get by without antidepressants, but that to do so she’d have to reorganize her life and probably sacrifice her profession. She told me she’s read about people who have “structured their lives to avoid any kind of stress,” and she said, “I have to think that would work. If I were doing something completely different, that didn’t require the sorts of tasks that usually cause problems for me, I think I could be fine without medication.” As an example, she thinks back to that exchange-student
Even so, Emily thinks frequently about who she would be without Prozac, and whether her life might be better—or worse—if medication had never entered into it. “I do wonder,” she said. “I do think Prozac has helped me a lot. But I wonder, if I’d never gotten antidepressants, who would I be? What would I be like?” She sketched out a couple of possibilities. “For all I know, I wouldn’t be alive,” she said. “But maybe I would also be—I mean, what would Virginia Woolf have been like if she had taken antidepressants, you know? Maybe I would be great in some other way, but I would be unhappy.”
Sometimes, she worries that antidepressants block off an experience of herself that would be more intimate and direct, more “authentic.” The times she quit antidepressants in high school, she said, she was motivated by “a desire to be clear and clean, to just be absolutely myself.” She wonders whether, because of Prozac, she’s less “in touch with my body, and my feelings” than other people. In low moments, she can make herself feel bad by wondering whether her years of antidepressant use might have had a permanent effect: “Maybe I messed with who I really am by changing my body chemistry.”
Even today, Emily says that she’s often beguiled by a wish to leave Prozac behind and get, as she imagines it, back in touch with herself. On the day of our conversation she was even mulling over a plan. “I’ve been thinking,” she said. “Once I finish some articles, at the end of the year, maybe January or February, I need to take some time off work and spend some time, you know, reading, being outdoors or, you know, just to get myself—maybe that would be a time to go off Prozac and just see how it is.”
But the idea of taking a medication holiday is easier said than done for Emily. Taking antidepressants, she believes, is what allows her to pursue her chosen livelihood. Writing is how Emily supports herself. Being a writer is also her identity, one she’s worked hard for and that she values. “At this point, I literally feed and clothe and house myself one hundred percent through my writing,” she said. “So when I think about experimenting with going off medication, the chance of writing anxiety is more worrisome to me than the depression. Even on the best days, I don’t find writing to be easy. Can I really risk making it harder?” Or would she want to? Emily feels like a writer. It isn’t just what she does; it’s what she is. “I mean, I think about not writing,” she continued. “But then I’m like, what would I do ? And not even just the money. Can I really not write anymore? It feels kind of like a dead end.”
Emily thinks that she could get by without antidepressants, but that to do so she’d have to reorganize her life and probably sacrifice her profession. She told me she’s read about people who have “structured their lives to avoid any kind of stress,” and she said, “I have to think that would work. If I were doing something completely different, that didn’t require the sorts of tasks that usually cause problems for me, I think I could be fine without medication.” As an example, she thinks back to that exchange-student
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