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Authors: Ashleigh Giannoccaro
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outside while I eat my lukewarm dinner. Even lukewarm it’s better than Rowan’s shit cooking. It has taste, seasoning and real ingredients not just instant noodles, it’s like heaven. I wonder if there is way out of here now that I am not locked in my room.
I stay awake late waiting to hear him go to bed so I can see if there is a way out of here. I pace the room, watch telly and try keep my own eyes open. I need to get away I just traded one monster for another, that’s what my brain says anyway. My heart says this is home where will I go? I am dead I don’t even know where or how Rowan hid my money.
I get up after I know he is closed in the room next door and I hear his music filter through the walls. He doesn’t have awful taste in music, I have actually grown quite used to his melancholy playlist. I walk straight towards the front door trying to walk quickly without making a noise I find it very much locked without even a key hole. I turn tail and go to the kitchen door that I know leads to the courtyard at the back of the house, my heart plummets in my chest as my hope dwindles. It’s same door. I feel panic rising in my chest strangling me, yes panic that’s what it is as I walk even faster to glass patio doors off the dining room. Locked. I even try breaking the small French cottage pained glass but that’s no use either I am too weak, my body is weak. So I sink to the floorin front of the doors and cry not even quietly. I sob my heart out right there on the floor of the dining room where my dad and I shared every dinner together till I was eighteen. It seems like an eternity ago and while I still love and miss my dad dearly I can’t help wonder if he knew that I would pay the price for his sins, for his dear fucking job. The tears fall hot down my cheeks and my breaths become short and strangled as I try to get this out, all this feeling inside I want to be numb again, or dead anything but trapped.
I’m crying so hard I don’t even hear Rowan come in. I am only aware of him as he drops down next to me but I cannot escape the sobs coming from me I was not allowed to cry with Renzo. If I cried, I was punished. I can smell Rowan and feel him but I don’t want too. I am crying for everything now, everything. He saved me from dying but I wish he had just killed me. God, when I asked to die I meant really die not be the prisoner of another monster. Rowan puts his arms around me and pulls me into his chest while I continue to cry. He doesn’t feel like a monster when he holds me, he doesn’t feel like a bad man but I know exactly what he is. I cry until I can’t possibly cry anymore. He holds me the whole time not letting go but not saying a word he stays silent until my crying stops. When my sobs eventually subside he whispers to me softly. “Please let me fix it Ellia, tell me, I know it’s all my fault he hurt you baby girl.” He doesn’t let go just whispers in to my hair that it’s his fault over and over. The more he says it, the more my sadness and pain change into anger. It’s not his fault, it’s my Father’s fault. All of it is.
When I can’t listen to his apologies any longer I shove myself off his chest and look him in the eyes, he needs to know that it’s not his fault. It never was his fault. I am angry at him now but I don’t even know why I am angry, I just am. He is a monster too. Someone will pay for his sins.
“Stop Rowan, this, me, this mess is not your fault. It’s not your fault. This is all my father’s fault. He killed someone and I was the price to pay. I was penance for his sins; my scars are for his sins. I paid for his sins tenfold. The only thing you are guilty of Rowan is continuing in his fucking footsteps. Who will pay for your sins Rowan who? Why couldn’t you just kill me? It would have been better than living.”
By the time I get it all out, I’m crying again and beating on his chest with my fists, Rowan looks at me like I just stole his puppy. I get
I stay awake late waiting to hear him go to bed so I can see if there is a way out of here. I pace the room, watch telly and try keep my own eyes open. I need to get away I just traded one monster for another, that’s what my brain says anyway. My heart says this is home where will I go? I am dead I don’t even know where or how Rowan hid my money.
I get up after I know he is closed in the room next door and I hear his music filter through the walls. He doesn’t have awful taste in music, I have actually grown quite used to his melancholy playlist. I walk straight towards the front door trying to walk quickly without making a noise I find it very much locked without even a key hole. I turn tail and go to the kitchen door that I know leads to the courtyard at the back of the house, my heart plummets in my chest as my hope dwindles. It’s same door. I feel panic rising in my chest strangling me, yes panic that’s what it is as I walk even faster to glass patio doors off the dining room. Locked. I even try breaking the small French cottage pained glass but that’s no use either I am too weak, my body is weak. So I sink to the floorin front of the doors and cry not even quietly. I sob my heart out right there on the floor of the dining room where my dad and I shared every dinner together till I was eighteen. It seems like an eternity ago and while I still love and miss my dad dearly I can’t help wonder if he knew that I would pay the price for his sins, for his dear fucking job. The tears fall hot down my cheeks and my breaths become short and strangled as I try to get this out, all this feeling inside I want to be numb again, or dead anything but trapped.
I’m crying so hard I don’t even hear Rowan come in. I am only aware of him as he drops down next to me but I cannot escape the sobs coming from me I was not allowed to cry with Renzo. If I cried, I was punished. I can smell Rowan and feel him but I don’t want too. I am crying for everything now, everything. He saved me from dying but I wish he had just killed me. God, when I asked to die I meant really die not be the prisoner of another monster. Rowan puts his arms around me and pulls me into his chest while I continue to cry. He doesn’t feel like a monster when he holds me, he doesn’t feel like a bad man but I know exactly what he is. I cry until I can’t possibly cry anymore. He holds me the whole time not letting go but not saying a word he stays silent until my crying stops. When my sobs eventually subside he whispers to me softly. “Please let me fix it Ellia, tell me, I know it’s all my fault he hurt you baby girl.” He doesn’t let go just whispers in to my hair that it’s his fault over and over. The more he says it, the more my sadness and pain change into anger. It’s not his fault, it’s my Father’s fault. All of it is.
When I can’t listen to his apologies any longer I shove myself off his chest and look him in the eyes, he needs to know that it’s not his fault. It never was his fault. I am angry at him now but I don’t even know why I am angry, I just am. He is a monster too. Someone will pay for his sins.
“Stop Rowan, this, me, this mess is not your fault. It’s not your fault. This is all my father’s fault. He killed someone and I was the price to pay. I was penance for his sins; my scars are for his sins. I paid for his sins tenfold. The only thing you are guilty of Rowan is continuing in his fucking footsteps. Who will pay for your sins Rowan who? Why couldn’t you just kill me? It would have been better than living.”
By the time I get it all out, I’m crying again and beating on his chest with my fists, Rowan looks at me like I just stole his puppy. I get
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