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Authors: Megan McDonald
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they’re right up there with mice and dolphins. In the hearing department, I mean.” Uh! Stop saying science facts! Total geekazoid. Why was I talking about moth ears ?
“Huh. Learn something new every day.”
More awkward silence. Was he still there? He’s the one who called me. Why wasn’t he talking?
“Hello? You still there?” I asked. Why couldn’t I just be myself?
“I had a good time today.” He speaks!
“At detention?”
“Well, no, not the detention part, but I mean —”
“Oh.”
“So, um, you have a little sister too?”
“Yeah.”
“How many sisters do you have?”
“Two.” What is wrong with me? Whenever this kid talks to me I start speaking in haiku. One-word syllables, anyway. Who’s the boy here?
“I know it sounds like more. ’Cause they’re loud, I mean.” Stop. Don’t say your family’s fighting or your sister’s freaking out or anything.
“So, what do you say? Say yes.”
“Yes. No. I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?” Can you repeat the question? Have I just lost my mind? This isn’t Social Studies class!
“It’s about our science labs. You know, the thing where we have to figure out how to simulate a cloud? Mr. Petry said we have to pick a partner, and I was just wondering if maybe you’d be my partner?”
For this, he calls me at home and embarrasses me in front of my whole family? He couldn’t just ask me this at school tomorrow?
“I already, um, told Olivia I’d be her partner.” Who was I, Pinocchio? The lie just flew out of my mouth. What was wrong with me?
Silence. All I could hear was dead air. Then, “Oh. I thought Olivia wasn’t in that class.”
“Oh. Right. Yeah. S-sorry,” I stuttered, trying to cover my tracks. “Um, did you say Science? I must have been thinking of Social Studies, where we’re definitely going to be partners.”
“So, then, you’re free? I mean, you’ll do it? Be my partner, I mean?”
“Sure, I guess,” I said in a fake-excited voice. What!
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Why not?” Why not? Hello! Because he’s a freaking boy, that’s why not. “I mean, you don’t know anybody, seeing as how you’re new and everything, and I can’t be Olivia’s partner, seeing as how she’s not in the same class, so this way, everybody would have a partner, except, of course, Olivia, you know?” Idiot! Shut. Up.
“Great. Okay. This is great ! Because I don’t know if you knew this about me, but I have volcanophobia.”
“Fear of volcanoes?”
“More like fear of science projects. A volcano blew up on me in the third grade. Let’s just say I added too much baking soda. And way too much red food coloring. I’ve never been the same.”
“That sounds a lot like the Great Kool-Aid Disaster of ’07. I spilled, like, a whole can of green powder, and when I tried to wipe it up so my mom wouldn’t find out, well, let’s just say I turned the entire kitchen neon green and my mom wasn’t too happy with me.” My voice sounded almost normal now.
“So, is it safe to say green is not your favorite color?”
I giggled like a goofus. And just like that, I was talking to a boy.
KISS BUSTER
Starring Alex
SETTING:
ALEX’S ROOM, A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
Me:
Emergency meeting of the Sisters Club! My room. Stat.
Joey:
What’s up?
Me:
What’s up? My life is a complete and total disaster, that’s what’s up.
Stevie:
Alex, everything with you is always a Drama-Queen disaster.
Me:
But this time it really is! First of all, I had to tell Mr. Cannon I quit the play. Second of all, they’re over there practicing — right next door — right now! Hello! I live here!
Joey:
What? Wait, you quit the play?
Stevie:
You can’t just quit the play.
Me:
I know. But I did.
Stevie:
What did Mr. Cannon say when you told him?
Me:
Let’s just say he went all Hamlet on me.
Joey:
Not happy?
Me:
Hardly. I mean, it’s bad enough that I don’t get to be Juliet. And Jayden Pffeffer does! So I quit and what happens?
“Huh. Learn something new every day.”
More awkward silence. Was he still there? He’s the one who called me. Why wasn’t he talking?
“Hello? You still there?” I asked. Why couldn’t I just be myself?
“I had a good time today.” He speaks!
“At detention?”
“Well, no, not the detention part, but I mean —”
“Oh.”
“So, um, you have a little sister too?”
“Yeah.”
“How many sisters do you have?”
“Two.” What is wrong with me? Whenever this kid talks to me I start speaking in haiku. One-word syllables, anyway. Who’s the boy here?
“I know it sounds like more. ’Cause they’re loud, I mean.” Stop. Don’t say your family’s fighting or your sister’s freaking out or anything.
“So, what do you say? Say yes.”
“Yes. No. I’m sorry, can you repeat the question?” Can you repeat the question? Have I just lost my mind? This isn’t Social Studies class!
“It’s about our science labs. You know, the thing where we have to figure out how to simulate a cloud? Mr. Petry said we have to pick a partner, and I was just wondering if maybe you’d be my partner?”
For this, he calls me at home and embarrasses me in front of my whole family? He couldn’t just ask me this at school tomorrow?
“I already, um, told Olivia I’d be her partner.” Who was I, Pinocchio? The lie just flew out of my mouth. What was wrong with me?
Silence. All I could hear was dead air. Then, “Oh. I thought Olivia wasn’t in that class.”
“Oh. Right. Yeah. S-sorry,” I stuttered, trying to cover my tracks. “Um, did you say Science? I must have been thinking of Social Studies, where we’re definitely going to be partners.”
“So, then, you’re free? I mean, you’ll do it? Be my partner, I mean?”
“Sure, I guess,” I said in a fake-excited voice. What!
“Really? Are you sure?”
“Why not?” Why not? Hello! Because he’s a freaking boy, that’s why not. “I mean, you don’t know anybody, seeing as how you’re new and everything, and I can’t be Olivia’s partner, seeing as how she’s not in the same class, so this way, everybody would have a partner, except, of course, Olivia, you know?” Idiot! Shut. Up.
“Great. Okay. This is great ! Because I don’t know if you knew this about me, but I have volcanophobia.”
“Fear of volcanoes?”
“More like fear of science projects. A volcano blew up on me in the third grade. Let’s just say I added too much baking soda. And way too much red food coloring. I’ve never been the same.”
“That sounds a lot like the Great Kool-Aid Disaster of ’07. I spilled, like, a whole can of green powder, and when I tried to wipe it up so my mom wouldn’t find out, well, let’s just say I turned the entire kitchen neon green and my mom wasn’t too happy with me.” My voice sounded almost normal now.
“So, is it safe to say green is not your favorite color?”
I giggled like a goofus. And just like that, I was talking to a boy.
KISS BUSTER
Starring Alex
SETTING:
ALEX’S ROOM, A FEW DAYS LATER . . .
Me:
Emergency meeting of the Sisters Club! My room. Stat.
Joey:
What’s up?
Me:
What’s up? My life is a complete and total disaster, that’s what’s up.
Stevie:
Alex, everything with you is always a Drama-Queen disaster.
Me:
But this time it really is! First of all, I had to tell Mr. Cannon I quit the play. Second of all, they’re over there practicing — right next door — right now! Hello! I live here!
Joey:
What? Wait, you quit the play?
Stevie:
You can’t just quit the play.
Me:
I know. But I did.
Stevie:
What did Mr. Cannon say when you told him?
Me:
Let’s just say he went all Hamlet on me.
Joey:
Not happy?
Me:
Hardly. I mean, it’s bad enough that I don’t get to be Juliet. And Jayden Pffeffer does! So I quit and what happens?
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