The things that I’ve done to you... they were more than just criminal. They were sinful. Do you believe in Satan?”
“How did you get this number?” I finally manage to ask. It’s not the forceful demand I intended; my voice leaves my throat hesitantly, in a feeble squawk.
“They told me I needed to call you and apologize,” Grayson says. “ They said I needed to make peace with you and myself in order to get better. Carmen gave me the number and the nurse dialed for me. They gave me some privacy to talk to you. But they’re all idiots; I can’t make peace. You should stay far away from me, Helen. If I ever see you again, I will do things to you that you could never imagine. I will do far worse to than I’ve ever done before. I want to take you—in the worst possible way. I want to feel you bleeding and crying and screaming. I can’t control the monster inside me.”
My entire body is seized by a spasm of dread. I feel a great pressure in my chest, and a sudden inability to breathe. The muscles in my arms and legs constrict until the tension causes me pain. Even though they are just words, I can imagine them so clearly that it is almost as though he is right here, doing those things to me now. It seems to be too much for my brain to handle, and it has hit the pause button on my entire central nervous system.
“ There’s something special about you,” Grayson whispers. “Only you, Helen. You make me want to do things I would never do. I think it’s your innocence. It hangs around you like a cloud. Like an aura of light, glowing around you. I have tried to figure out what it is, Helen, and I think I finally know. It must be innocence. Only innocence could be so beautiful. So pale and fragile that it shouldn’t exist. Like fine porcelain. Like precious glass. I wanted to break it before anyone else could—but I didn’t succeed. It’s still there.”
There’s a pause on the line, filled only with his ragged breathing.
“You’re still innocent,” he whispers, “and I still want to break you.”
I finally remember how to breathe, and I remove the phone from my ear. I press the button to end the call, but it takes me a moment to find it with my shaking hands. I take several deep breaths as I lower my head to the pillow. I curl my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around myself. It has never taken such a great effort just to breathe. I can feel the tension in my shoulders and thighs as my body feels strangely stiff and locked into place.
All my beautiful thoughts have been chased away.
I can’t think about work anymore. I can’t think about anything. I don’t want to think about anything. If I ponder his words, it will drive me insane. There is no sense to them; they are just ramblings of a madman. But more terrifying is the fact that there might be some logic in them. What if I did take a moment to think about what he said, and I understood him?
What if it really is my fault? What if I brought out the worst in him? What if I do the same to Liam? What if that’s my curse, and no one will ever love me? What if there’s just something about me that people can’t stand? What if I really do have this strange aura he’s talking about?
All I know is that I’m going to have to change my number again. And maybe my name.
Maybe I should assume an entirely new identity.
Maybe I should go home. Maybe I should find a new home, even further away.
Maybe I should just...
Maybe...
“Helen. My sweet Helen. You’re an angel. Such fragile innocence...”
A hand slides gently over my hip.
I instantly snap awake, and grab the person’s wrist. My heart begins pounding fiercely.
“Whoa,” Liam says softly. “It’s just me. ”
Sharp pain shoots through my chest as my heart struggles to go from a peaceful resting state to instant fight mode. I have to remind myself to breathe as my body feels paralyzed with fear. My hand is still clenched tightly around his wrist. “Liam?” I ask
“How did you get this number?” I finally manage to ask. It’s not the forceful demand I intended; my voice leaves my throat hesitantly, in a feeble squawk.
“They told me I needed to call you and apologize,” Grayson says. “ They said I needed to make peace with you and myself in order to get better. Carmen gave me the number and the nurse dialed for me. They gave me some privacy to talk to you. But they’re all idiots; I can’t make peace. You should stay far away from me, Helen. If I ever see you again, I will do things to you that you could never imagine. I will do far worse to than I’ve ever done before. I want to take you—in the worst possible way. I want to feel you bleeding and crying and screaming. I can’t control the monster inside me.”
My entire body is seized by a spasm of dread. I feel a great pressure in my chest, and a sudden inability to breathe. The muscles in my arms and legs constrict until the tension causes me pain. Even though they are just words, I can imagine them so clearly that it is almost as though he is right here, doing those things to me now. It seems to be too much for my brain to handle, and it has hit the pause button on my entire central nervous system.
“ There’s something special about you,” Grayson whispers. “Only you, Helen. You make me want to do things I would never do. I think it’s your innocence. It hangs around you like a cloud. Like an aura of light, glowing around you. I have tried to figure out what it is, Helen, and I think I finally know. It must be innocence. Only innocence could be so beautiful. So pale and fragile that it shouldn’t exist. Like fine porcelain. Like precious glass. I wanted to break it before anyone else could—but I didn’t succeed. It’s still there.”
There’s a pause on the line, filled only with his ragged breathing.
“You’re still innocent,” he whispers, “and I still want to break you.”
I finally remember how to breathe, and I remove the phone from my ear. I press the button to end the call, but it takes me a moment to find it with my shaking hands. I take several deep breaths as I lower my head to the pillow. I curl my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around myself. It has never taken such a great effort just to breathe. I can feel the tension in my shoulders and thighs as my body feels strangely stiff and locked into place.
All my beautiful thoughts have been chased away.
I can’t think about work anymore. I can’t think about anything. I don’t want to think about anything. If I ponder his words, it will drive me insane. There is no sense to them; they are just ramblings of a madman. But more terrifying is the fact that there might be some logic in them. What if I did take a moment to think about what he said, and I understood him?
What if it really is my fault? What if I brought out the worst in him? What if I do the same to Liam? What if that’s my curse, and no one will ever love me? What if there’s just something about me that people can’t stand? What if I really do have this strange aura he’s talking about?
All I know is that I’m going to have to change my number again. And maybe my name.
Maybe I should assume an entirely new identity.
Maybe I should go home. Maybe I should find a new home, even further away.
Maybe I should just...
Maybe...
“Helen. My sweet Helen. You’re an angel. Such fragile innocence...”
A hand slides gently over my hip.
I instantly snap awake, and grab the person’s wrist. My heart begins pounding fiercely.
“Whoa,” Liam says softly. “It’s just me. ”
Sharp pain shoots through my chest as my heart struggles to go from a peaceful resting state to instant fight mode. I have to remind myself to breathe as my body feels paralyzed with fear. My hand is still clenched tightly around his wrist. “Liam?” I ask
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