Read Online Checkmate With Bishop: A Hellions MC Novel by J. A. Hornbuckle - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: J. A. Hornbuckle
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heart hurt to think that I’d caused it just by trying to avoid a subject that still hurt in the deepest places inside. “So he’s close but never tried to see me? To get to know me?”
“He…ah.” Damn! I didn’t know how to explain, to justify my decision of not exposing my past to my son. To tell him that his father was a biker, a Hellion because then I’d have to tell of myself as a Hellion Honey and of the lifestyle that went along with being in a motorcycle club.
My mind was racing on how much to say and what to keep hidden.
“Jesus!” I’d been so lost in my own thoughts, in scheming of a way to talk about it without giving J.R. too much info, I’d not seen him jump to his feet. “He didn’t want me! That’s it , isn’t it?”
“He…erm.” Shit! The devastation on J.R.’s face broke my heart, and the fact that I couldn’t squeeze the words out to tell him Stan didn’t know of his existence was almost too much to handle.
Fists clenched and muscles strung so tight in distress gave a good indication to what J.R. was feeling. Emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with because any explanation from me would only add to it.
“Jesus!” he said again although this time it was said almost on a yell. “You freaking lied to me, Mom.”
“No, I didn’t. You just assumed…”
J.R.’s palms came up to press against his eyes and with the movement, I saw the twin blotches of red stain his cheeks, coat the outside edge of his ears. “Yes, you did .” His voice was cracking, sounding broken as he corrected me. “All my life, you told me that we don’t lie to each other. But you’ve been lying to me for years !”
“I didn’t lie, J.R.,” I yelled back, levering myself out of my seat, intent on taking my hurt child in my arms to give him comfort as I always had. But he was having none of it and let me know by stepping back away from me. I tried again on a softer note. “I didn’t lie, baby. I just didn’t think that it was important.”
He dropped his hands and I watched the tears as they overflowed to run down his cheeks. “Not important?” J.R.’s eyes stabbed at mine in confusion and outright pain. “That knowing my father was alive wasn’t important ?”
I didn’t respond, couldn’t when all was said and done. Not in a way that wouldn’t cast me as the bad guy in the whole of it. “We’ve done okay, haven’t we? I mean, you had a good childhood in spite of not having your dad involved, right?”
“You don’t freaking get it, Mom,” J.R. intoned, his voice almost weary as he turned his face away.
But that wasn’t true. I understood even if I didn’t want to. I just didn’t have the words to talk it through.
He was halfway down the stairs before I found my voice. “Where are you going?” I asked when he didn’t go back to where the lawnmower sat but aimed towards the side of the house.
“Out!” he yelled over his shoulder, every line in his stance an accusation aimed my direction. “I don’t know when I’ll be home. I just can’t stand to be around you at the moment.”
I watched as he appeared in the driveway on his bike and took off down the street, my movements held in place by the raw emotions the last few minutes had exposed. Ones of panic and of a guilt that ran muscle deep. As well as fear. Fear that my time with the Hellions as one of the Honeys would be exposed to my little boy.
And that the knowledge would change his opinion of me, skew it somehow.
It was more than a while before I could move, could make my way to the mower in order to complete the job even as I tried to come up with a way to salvage my relationship with my kid.
*.*.*.*.*
J.R. let himself into the house as quietly as he could, using the kitchen entrance after stowing his bike in the garage. His legs ached from the amount of riding he’d done as he’d pedaled through the town, trying to
“He…ah.” Damn! I didn’t know how to explain, to justify my decision of not exposing my past to my son. To tell him that his father was a biker, a Hellion because then I’d have to tell of myself as a Hellion Honey and of the lifestyle that went along with being in a motorcycle club.
My mind was racing on how much to say and what to keep hidden.
“Jesus!” I’d been so lost in my own thoughts, in scheming of a way to talk about it without giving J.R. too much info, I’d not seen him jump to his feet. “He didn’t want me! That’s it , isn’t it?”
“He…erm.” Shit! The devastation on J.R.’s face broke my heart, and the fact that I couldn’t squeeze the words out to tell him Stan didn’t know of his existence was almost too much to handle.
Fists clenched and muscles strung so tight in distress gave a good indication to what J.R. was feeling. Emotions that I didn’t know how to deal with because any explanation from me would only add to it.
“Jesus!” he said again although this time it was said almost on a yell. “You freaking lied to me, Mom.”
“No, I didn’t. You just assumed…”
J.R.’s palms came up to press against his eyes and with the movement, I saw the twin blotches of red stain his cheeks, coat the outside edge of his ears. “Yes, you did .” His voice was cracking, sounding broken as he corrected me. “All my life, you told me that we don’t lie to each other. But you’ve been lying to me for years !”
“I didn’t lie, J.R.,” I yelled back, levering myself out of my seat, intent on taking my hurt child in my arms to give him comfort as I always had. But he was having none of it and let me know by stepping back away from me. I tried again on a softer note. “I didn’t lie, baby. I just didn’t think that it was important.”
He dropped his hands and I watched the tears as they overflowed to run down his cheeks. “Not important?” J.R.’s eyes stabbed at mine in confusion and outright pain. “That knowing my father was alive wasn’t important ?”
I didn’t respond, couldn’t when all was said and done. Not in a way that wouldn’t cast me as the bad guy in the whole of it. “We’ve done okay, haven’t we? I mean, you had a good childhood in spite of not having your dad involved, right?”
“You don’t freaking get it, Mom,” J.R. intoned, his voice almost weary as he turned his face away.
But that wasn’t true. I understood even if I didn’t want to. I just didn’t have the words to talk it through.
He was halfway down the stairs before I found my voice. “Where are you going?” I asked when he didn’t go back to where the lawnmower sat but aimed towards the side of the house.
“Out!” he yelled over his shoulder, every line in his stance an accusation aimed my direction. “I don’t know when I’ll be home. I just can’t stand to be around you at the moment.”
I watched as he appeared in the driveway on his bike and took off down the street, my movements held in place by the raw emotions the last few minutes had exposed. Ones of panic and of a guilt that ran muscle deep. As well as fear. Fear that my time with the Hellions as one of the Honeys would be exposed to my little boy.
And that the knowledge would change his opinion of me, skew it somehow.
It was more than a while before I could move, could make my way to the mower in order to complete the job even as I tried to come up with a way to salvage my relationship with my kid.
*.*.*.*.*
J.R. let himself into the house as quietly as he could, using the kitchen entrance after stowing his bike in the garage. His legs ached from the amount of riding he’d done as he’d pedaled through the town, trying to
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