Read Online Chai Tea Sunday by Heather A. Clark - Free Book Online Page A

the end of the first — and last — meeting Eric and I attended together. Shannon glanced at Eric, who had been the only one in the room to not say anything during the hour we had been at the meeting. Eric remained silent and looked down at his feet, shrugging his shoulders and looking defeated.
    â€œYou didn’t even say
anything
. Not one word!” I said to him after the meeting on our car ride home. It had started snowing, which Eric was completely disregarding as he drove too quickly through the dusted streets. My mind was taken back to the last time I had been in a car with Eric when he was driving too quickly. I clung to the memory.
    â€œI told you that I didn’t want to go. You forced me into it.
Remember?
You said that it would be good for us. Well, it wasn’t. I hated it. Every minute of it.” Eric’s words were quiet. Bitter.
    â€œFine, then. Don’t go anymore. I’ll go by myself.”
    Eric never joined me again at the grievance group meetings, and even missed our next session with our therapist, Dr. Covert. Eric messaged me on my BlackBerry ten minutes into our appointment, saying that something had come up at work and he wouldn’t be able to make it on time. He didn’t even apologize.
    Upon seeing the frustrated tears welling in my eyes, Dr. Covert handed me a tissue, saying simply, “Well, Nicky, hopefully Eric will be able to come next time. For now, this gives us a chance to talk about you. What
you’re
going through.”
    I shrugged. Blew my nose. I wanted to be with Dr. Covert — I was desperate for her to find a way to make me feel better — but I needed Eric to be there,
with
me. “I miss Ella, of course. Like crazy. But I miss Eric too. He just feels gone to me, Dr. Covert. It’s like his soul died with her and all I have left is this empty shell that looks like him.”
    â€œI hear that a lot when I work with grieving parents. Men often deal with death differently than women. Innately, many men feel that they are the stereotypical strong protectors who should not freely show their emotions. This is one of the reasons there seems to be a struggle between mothers and fathers after a child dies. Wives are looking to their husbands for support and understanding, but many times, their husbands can’t — or won’t — show the same sympathy.”
    â€œBut it’s like he doesn’t even care that she’s gone!”
    â€œWe know that isn’t true, Nicky. Eric is just showing his grief in a different way,” Dr. Covert answered gently. “In most cases that I have seen, and Eric seems to be included in this, men
act
instead of dwell on the situation. They put their feelings into actions and experience grief physically, not emotionally. Instead of talking about their feelings, they focus more on completing specific tasks.”
    â€œLike going back to work?”
    â€œYes, like going back to work.”
    â€œBut what about me? What about what I need? What about the fact that I need
him
? My husband.”
    â€œThat’s what we’re working on, Nicky. You have to remember that this will take time.”
    But Eric’s non-stop work ethic in response to what we had been through never seemed to change. And it clashed horrifically against my need to constantly talk of Ella and the few moments we had with her. Eventually, our brutal fights at home entered into the territory of how much we could even say her name out loud.
    â€œI can’t take hearing you say her name!” Eric would say to me, quietly at first but with an increasingly raised voice that ultimately reached screaming. His words scraped at my eardrums like a death metal song being turned up on the stereo. His face would be bright red by that point, his eyes lined in tears that refused to fall. He was shutting Ella out. And subsequently me as well.
    â€œI’m scared I will forget her,” I would retort back. I