Read Online But I Love Him by Amanda Grace - Free Book Online Page A

supposed to be alone together and have a day on the water and forget about the problems that plague us.
    But he’s not here. I sit on the dock next to our rented sailboat, listening to the seagulls and the lapping water, and I wait.
    And wait.
    But he doesn’t show and I do not know why. I try to imagine what he could be doing, what dragged him away from something he was so excited about.
    But it doesn’t matter, because even when he explains why, I will not understand. I will never know why he does the things he does because I have never lived his life. Because he has lived things I can’t even dream.
    I’m glad no one can see me right now. I think they might see my hopes dashed, like they are real things dancing on the water and someone might see them drown, just like that, gone forever. And then they would pity me, and I don’t want that. I don’t need that. I choose the things that happen in my life and I don’t need anyone feeling sorry for me.
    I lie back on the dock and listen to the sounds and give up on the idea of seeing him.
    It doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t have lived up to my hopes anyway.
    April 1
    Seven months, two days
    Today is his birthday, just two weeks after my own. He’s nineteen.
    His father has been gone for four days. We both hope he stays away. Everything takes on such a beautiful peace when he’s gone. The tension leaves Connor’s body. He doesn’t have to float around, constantly watching out for his mom. He can be himself.
    It’s just like those first few weeks after I met him, when Jack and Nancy were on one of their breaks. I hope it lasts longer this time. I hope it lasts forever.
    Connor is at work. The job is too new for him to take his birthday off, even though I know he wanted to.
    I’m baking a cake with his mom, her first time hanging out at his apartment. She seems happier today. The wrinkles seem lighter. Her hair doesn’t look so gray.
    Finally, I know what it is to live in a world without Jack. And I wish he would just fade away and disappear. None of us would miss him.
    It feels weird to hang out with his mom. She likes me, I know that. She knows I am there for Connor in a way she never could be, because I’m not forced to choose between him and Jack. She’s too busy bending over backward for Jack, too busy walking that razor-thin line of keeping Jack happy.
    Connor has always been alone. Even though she loves him, she could never protect him. Not when Connor has to work so hard to protect her. Connor doesn’t judge her for it, but I think I do. I want to ask her, I want to know why she would keep Connor around someone like Jack, especially when he was little and helpless. I want to ask her why she couldn’t just divorce him.
    Why she ruined Connor’s life by not just leaving Jack and finding somewhere else to be, someone else to be. I wonder who Connor would be if she had done that. I wonder if life would be as easy as I imagine it could be if he weren’t so scarred by it all.
    She’s assembling a big dish of tamales, his favorite, and I’m frosting the cake. There is country music playing on the beat-up stereo mounted under the kitchen cabinets.
    I feel as if there are so many things she wants to say to me. I think I can actually see her words hanging around us, like a big cloud, and I wait for them to rain down.
    It feels weird. Uncomfortable but not. With my mom, there’s judgment. I know she just wants what’s best for me, but I hate that she thinks she knows what I need more than I know. She can’t just say her opinion once. It’s this nonstop battle with her, and she won’t give up until I leave him.
    And all it does is ensure that I avoid her. It’s making things so much worse. And I wish she’d just see it and stop bringing him up all the time. Why can’t she ask me about anything but him?
    But not with Nancy. With Nancy, there’s just quiet.
    Connor gets home from work just as dinner is finished. He’s covered in sawdust but he smiles at us