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Authors: Darrel Bristow-Bovey
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together again. Perhaps they would play some bridge.
And there the story ends. My grandfather had died a month before, and Luigi died a few months later. They had lived the past 40 years within five kilometres of each other, and had never stopped playing bridge.
It would have been nice if they could have met that Christmas, and called and made one final slam in no trumps. Sometimes it would be nice if life were like a Christmas story.
The more the marrier
SUNDAY INDEPENDENT, 22 APRIL 2001
I AM NOT IN the habit of judging other peopleâs lifestyles. Well, actually I am, but I wasnât about to admit it in the very first sentence. I am informed that some people are in the habit of reading only the first sentence of each article in the newspaper, and I want to leave them with a good impression of me. Although, now that I come to think of it, I donât really give two hoots (which in owl currency is the equivalent of one human damn) for the opinion of the kind of individual who would only read the first sentence of this column. If I could take that sentence back I would, but whatâs done is done, I suppose.
So yes, actually, I am in the habit of judging other peopleâs lifestyles, but of all the lifestyles I have had cause to tut over, it is Alex Joseph who gets the most unequivocal thumbs-down. Who is Alex Joseph? You may well ask. Alex Joseph was a featured guest on The Jerry Springer Show (DStv, Series Channel, daily, 10pm). Unusually, Jerry ventured out of the studio to visit Alex on his ranch. It was a dusty sort of a ranch, without much by way of grass or crops or even livestock, but Alex was happy. Alex purred and preened like a cat that has managed to get its paws on some other catâs saucer of milk. But there the comparison ended. Despite a small and scrubby beard, Alex is not as furry as a cat, and whereas a cat has nine lives, Alex Joseph has eight wives.
To have one wife, you might say, is good fortune. (You also might not say it, especially if you have one.) To have two wives is careless. To have six and seven and eight wives is to be interviewed by Jerry Springer, and when youâre being interviewed by Jerry Springer, you must have some inkling that somewhere on lifeâs bendy byways youâve taken the wrong turn.
Mind you, the extended immediate family of Alex Joseph was a good deal more harmonious than most of Jerryâs guests. They huddled together in the yard and beamed for a group photograph, like a box-framed collection of sun-faded Tretchikoffs.
Alex told us that he and his wives have produced 25 children and 733 grandchildren. Well, he may not actually have said 733, but after a certain point what difference does it make? Alexâs ranch is located outside Big Water, Utah, which would encourage a lesser and cheaper columnist to make a series of leering jokes involving, you know, bigness and water. But Big Water, Utah is beyond a joke. Big Water, Utah is one of the ugliest places I have ever seen. There is nothing there except wives. We took a tour of the compound. âAll the wives have their own houses,â said Sarah, the chief wife, âexcept for some wives, who share.â
The houses were decorated with home-made cushions and bean bags and quilted things. On the wall of each house was an embroidered motto: âThe more, the marrierâ. No, I just made that last bit up.
Why would Alex do such a thing?
âTo take a wife is a responsibility,â said Alex, squinting philosophically into the dust, âand the bigger the man, the more responsibility he bears.â
Marrying eight women at the same time struck me as a foolhardy way of proving your manhood. On the whole, I think I prefer the Xhosa tradition, where all they do is cut off a piece of your penis.
Alex has started his own church, and in a sense his own congregation. It is called âThe Church of Jesus Christ of the Solemn Assemblyâ. Itâs almost as if he wants to be
And there the story ends. My grandfather had died a month before, and Luigi died a few months later. They had lived the past 40 years within five kilometres of each other, and had never stopped playing bridge.
It would have been nice if they could have met that Christmas, and called and made one final slam in no trumps. Sometimes it would be nice if life were like a Christmas story.
The more the marrier
SUNDAY INDEPENDENT, 22 APRIL 2001
I AM NOT IN the habit of judging other peopleâs lifestyles. Well, actually I am, but I wasnât about to admit it in the very first sentence. I am informed that some people are in the habit of reading only the first sentence of each article in the newspaper, and I want to leave them with a good impression of me. Although, now that I come to think of it, I donât really give two hoots (which in owl currency is the equivalent of one human damn) for the opinion of the kind of individual who would only read the first sentence of this column. If I could take that sentence back I would, but whatâs done is done, I suppose.
So yes, actually, I am in the habit of judging other peopleâs lifestyles, but of all the lifestyles I have had cause to tut over, it is Alex Joseph who gets the most unequivocal thumbs-down. Who is Alex Joseph? You may well ask. Alex Joseph was a featured guest on The Jerry Springer Show (DStv, Series Channel, daily, 10pm). Unusually, Jerry ventured out of the studio to visit Alex on his ranch. It was a dusty sort of a ranch, without much by way of grass or crops or even livestock, but Alex was happy. Alex purred and preened like a cat that has managed to get its paws on some other catâs saucer of milk. But there the comparison ended. Despite a small and scrubby beard, Alex is not as furry as a cat, and whereas a cat has nine lives, Alex Joseph has eight wives.
To have one wife, you might say, is good fortune. (You also might not say it, especially if you have one.) To have two wives is careless. To have six and seven and eight wives is to be interviewed by Jerry Springer, and when youâre being interviewed by Jerry Springer, you must have some inkling that somewhere on lifeâs bendy byways youâve taken the wrong turn.
Mind you, the extended immediate family of Alex Joseph was a good deal more harmonious than most of Jerryâs guests. They huddled together in the yard and beamed for a group photograph, like a box-framed collection of sun-faded Tretchikoffs.
Alex told us that he and his wives have produced 25 children and 733 grandchildren. Well, he may not actually have said 733, but after a certain point what difference does it make? Alexâs ranch is located outside Big Water, Utah, which would encourage a lesser and cheaper columnist to make a series of leering jokes involving, you know, bigness and water. But Big Water, Utah is beyond a joke. Big Water, Utah is one of the ugliest places I have ever seen. There is nothing there except wives. We took a tour of the compound. âAll the wives have their own houses,â said Sarah, the chief wife, âexcept for some wives, who share.â
The houses were decorated with home-made cushions and bean bags and quilted things. On the wall of each house was an embroidered motto: âThe more, the marrierâ. No, I just made that last bit up.
Why would Alex do such a thing?
âTo take a wife is a responsibility,â said Alex, squinting philosophically into the dust, âand the bigger the man, the more responsibility he bears.â
Marrying eight women at the same time struck me as a foolhardy way of proving your manhood. On the whole, I think I prefer the Xhosa tradition, where all they do is cut off a piece of your penis.
Alex has started his own church, and in a sense his own congregation. It is called âThe Church of Jesus Christ of the Solemn Assemblyâ. Itâs almost as if he wants to be
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