idea how things had gotten so toxic. But it was getting to be time to face the facts and deal with it. There was no getting around it: Something had to give. I got to a point where it was bouncing back and forth in my head. It was awful. I could either leave and be out of it and not have to deal with it anymore. Or, I could accept that this was just how it was, and hope that it would get better, hope that maybe when Bentley was older, his father would be more emotionally available. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t consider failure an option. I didn’t want Bentley to have parents who weren’t together. I didn’t think that it was serious enough for me to leave, but I also worried that I’d lost perspective.
We were just miserable together. We fought, and that was it. That was literally it. That environment wasn’t good for me, or him, or anyone. It wouldn’t be good for Bentley in the long run. Pretty soon I went from not wanting Bentley to have separated parents, to not wanting Bentley to have parents who argued all the time. And on a different level, I knew I could do better for myself, too. It got to a point where I thought to myself, “You can’t live like this forever. This isn’t you. You’re not going to settle for this.”
A failing relationship is the kind of weight that builds up so gradually you don’t even notice it until it’s completely dragging you down. It’s almost an unpleasant shock to lose that burden, as freeing as it is. Giving up on that relationship was a difficult decision. It was the first point in my life when I realized that no matter how hard I worked, things weren’t always going to go the way that I had planned them. I had to swallow my pride and accept it.
In December, when Bentley was a little more than a year old, Ryan and I finally called it quits.
***
Maybe if Ryan and I had communicated better, it could have worked. But I came to believe that we wouldn’t have lasted anyway. The most we could have hoped for was to keep it alive longer, patching it up and dragging it along until there wasn’t even a dead horse left to beat. But in fact, it felt like we’d done that already. Even if we had turned around and started doing everything perfectly, there was no love left to back it up. We had grown too far apart, and we didn’t like each other anymore. I did miss the person I knew before everything changed, and it was hard for me to understand how we went from being so in love and obsessed with each other to literally hating each other. But I’d almost forgotten what the good times were like. All I knew was misery with him, and I’m sure that was all he knew with me, too.
At first, before it all sank in, there was a huge sense of relief when that weight fell from my shoulders. It was time for the next chapter. The sun was shining and the air was fresh. But that happiness didn’t last for long. A few days later, I started to feel uncertain about the whole thing. Maybe I didn’t believe we would be broken up forever. A part of me hoped that the breakup would jar him into realizing what he was giving up. I hoped he would miss me and want us to be back together. I hoped he would realize he wanted to be a part of Bentley’s life and start to make it happen. So I wasn’t happy when I saw him move on as quickly as he did.
Then, of course, I started to hear things. About the girls he had been talking to, and the places he’d been. I didn’t seek the information out, but I didn’t have to. Sometimes when you break up with someone, that stuff starts to trickle into your hearing range whether you want it to or not. There were many things I heard that I didn’t care to hear. I wasn’t shocked, but it wasn’t fun.
Still, I knew I’d made the right decision. Life didn’t get easier in general, but I was glad to lose at least one painful problem. The biggest improvement that came out of the breakup was not having to fight anymore. Not just in terms of arguing
We were just miserable together. We fought, and that was it. That was literally it. That environment wasn’t good for me, or him, or anyone. It wouldn’t be good for Bentley in the long run. Pretty soon I went from not wanting Bentley to have separated parents, to not wanting Bentley to have parents who argued all the time. And on a different level, I knew I could do better for myself, too. It got to a point where I thought to myself, “You can’t live like this forever. This isn’t you. You’re not going to settle for this.”
A failing relationship is the kind of weight that builds up so gradually you don’t even notice it until it’s completely dragging you down. It’s almost an unpleasant shock to lose that burden, as freeing as it is. Giving up on that relationship was a difficult decision. It was the first point in my life when I realized that no matter how hard I worked, things weren’t always going to go the way that I had planned them. I had to swallow my pride and accept it.
In December, when Bentley was a little more than a year old, Ryan and I finally called it quits.
***
Maybe if Ryan and I had communicated better, it could have worked. But I came to believe that we wouldn’t have lasted anyway. The most we could have hoped for was to keep it alive longer, patching it up and dragging it along until there wasn’t even a dead horse left to beat. But in fact, it felt like we’d done that already. Even if we had turned around and started doing everything perfectly, there was no love left to back it up. We had grown too far apart, and we didn’t like each other anymore. I did miss the person I knew before everything changed, and it was hard for me to understand how we went from being so in love and obsessed with each other to literally hating each other. But I’d almost forgotten what the good times were like. All I knew was misery with him, and I’m sure that was all he knew with me, too.
At first, before it all sank in, there was a huge sense of relief when that weight fell from my shoulders. It was time for the next chapter. The sun was shining and the air was fresh. But that happiness didn’t last for long. A few days later, I started to feel uncertain about the whole thing. Maybe I didn’t believe we would be broken up forever. A part of me hoped that the breakup would jar him into realizing what he was giving up. I hoped he would miss me and want us to be back together. I hoped he would realize he wanted to be a part of Bentley’s life and start to make it happen. So I wasn’t happy when I saw him move on as quickly as he did.
Then, of course, I started to hear things. About the girls he had been talking to, and the places he’d been. I didn’t seek the information out, but I didn’t have to. Sometimes when you break up with someone, that stuff starts to trickle into your hearing range whether you want it to or not. There were many things I heard that I didn’t care to hear. I wasn’t shocked, but it wasn’t fun.
Still, I knew I’d made the right decision. Life didn’t get easier in general, but I was glad to lose at least one painful problem. The biggest improvement that came out of the breakup was not having to fight anymore. Not just in terms of arguing
Similar Books
