matter?” she asked visibly upset. “How could your family not matter?”
“It just doesn’t.”
“It just makes me feel like…” she trailed.
“What?”
“I just can’t help but to feel like I don’t know you. Like your hiding things,” she concluded.
“Hiding things?”
“I mean, ‘blazed out of his mind’,” she repeated, imitating my sister’s dry cadence.
“It’s the past, Kerry.”
“I tell you so much, Nate. About my family. About my Dad. You say so little when there is so much.”
“What do you want to know?” I asked sitting back down next to her.
“What do you want to tell me?”
“I can’t play this game with you, Kerry.” I could feel myself growing angry. She was looking for an excuse to be mad about something that had nothing to do with her.
“I’m not the one playing games, Nate,” she huffed. “You lie about your past, your family… I mean, you even lied about meeting Jayna.”
“Jayna?” I said laughing.
“I’m not laughing, Nate.”
“What does Jayna have to do with anything?” I said raising my voice. I paused trying to calm myself. “My dad’s an alcoholic, Kerry.” The words tasted sour on my tongue. Suddenly what I had struggled so hard to hide was in the room with us. Sitting in between us. Souring what had been sweet. I watched her face grow solemn and it made me angry.
“I didn’t know that.”
“No, you didn’t.” I could see the color drain from her face, and the tears begin to well up in her eyes. “But tell me, what does that shit have to do with us?”
“I could have…” she started.
“What?” I yelled. “Could have what, Kerry? Helped? Saved me? I saved myself.”
She shook her head, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. “No…” she started again. It was hard seeing her like this, but the more emotional she became, the angrier I felt myself getting.
“Then, what, Kerry? As far as I am concerned, none of that matters. What good would it have done for us if you knew that my high school years were a cloud of smoke? Or that my fucking mother practically checked out?” I asked, spitting each syllable, raising my voice louder and leaning closer. “You want to know how the only person that ever told me they loved me is dead?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Nate.” She reached for me and I pushed her arms away.
“I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, Kerry.” I didn’t want her sympathy. I didn’t want her concern. She thought she was better than me. All this time I thought it, but now she knew it too. “Besides, I am not the only one hiding things, Kerry.”
“What?” Her head snapped back, surprised.
“You don’t think I’ve noticed how you’re going out of your way to avoid introducing me to your parents?”
“Nate…”
“You’re terrified of them meeting me, Kerry. You can fuck me all over D.C. but no one can know about me.”
“Nate, you know that’s not true,” she began, the tears flowing freely down her face.
“For all I know, you’re still with the dude from the picture.”
“What picture? My ex?” She laughed through her tears.
“Now you’re laughing?” I asked. “Yeah, you’ve been in a real hurry to go back home these days.”
“Really, Nate?” She shook her head. “Why’re you so insecure about him? Why’re you still thinking about him?” Her words getting louder as her sadness turned to anger. “After everything we have done and been through, why would you bring him up?”
“ You had his picture up.”
“I can’t believe this is even happening,” she mumbled to herself burying her hands in her face for a brief moment. “Nate… I shared things with you I never shared with him.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yes.” Kerry reached for my hands and tried to look me in the eyes.
“You mean fucking me?” I laughed. “You sure seemed like a pro at that, Kerry.”
I regretted it the moment it
“It just doesn’t.”
“It just makes me feel like…” she trailed.
“What?”
“I just can’t help but to feel like I don’t know you. Like your hiding things,” she concluded.
“Hiding things?”
“I mean, ‘blazed out of his mind’,” she repeated, imitating my sister’s dry cadence.
“It’s the past, Kerry.”
“I tell you so much, Nate. About my family. About my Dad. You say so little when there is so much.”
“What do you want to know?” I asked sitting back down next to her.
“What do you want to tell me?”
“I can’t play this game with you, Kerry.” I could feel myself growing angry. She was looking for an excuse to be mad about something that had nothing to do with her.
“I’m not the one playing games, Nate,” she huffed. “You lie about your past, your family… I mean, you even lied about meeting Jayna.”
“Jayna?” I said laughing.
“I’m not laughing, Nate.”
“What does Jayna have to do with anything?” I said raising my voice. I paused trying to calm myself. “My dad’s an alcoholic, Kerry.” The words tasted sour on my tongue. Suddenly what I had struggled so hard to hide was in the room with us. Sitting in between us. Souring what had been sweet. I watched her face grow solemn and it made me angry.
“I didn’t know that.”
“No, you didn’t.” I could see the color drain from her face, and the tears begin to well up in her eyes. “But tell me, what does that shit have to do with us?”
“I could have…” she started.
“What?” I yelled. “Could have what, Kerry? Helped? Saved me? I saved myself.”
She shook her head, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. “No…” she started again. It was hard seeing her like this, but the more emotional she became, the angrier I felt myself getting.
“Then, what, Kerry? As far as I am concerned, none of that matters. What good would it have done for us if you knew that my high school years were a cloud of smoke? Or that my fucking mother practically checked out?” I asked, spitting each syllable, raising my voice louder and leaning closer. “You want to know how the only person that ever told me they loved me is dead?”
She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Nate.” She reached for me and I pushed her arms away.
“I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, Kerry.” I didn’t want her sympathy. I didn’t want her concern. She thought she was better than me. All this time I thought it, but now she knew it too. “Besides, I am not the only one hiding things, Kerry.”
“What?” Her head snapped back, surprised.
“You don’t think I’ve noticed how you’re going out of your way to avoid introducing me to your parents?”
“Nate…”
“You’re terrified of them meeting me, Kerry. You can fuck me all over D.C. but no one can know about me.”
“Nate, you know that’s not true,” she began, the tears flowing freely down her face.
“For all I know, you’re still with the dude from the picture.”
“What picture? My ex?” She laughed through her tears.
“Now you’re laughing?” I asked. “Yeah, you’ve been in a real hurry to go back home these days.”
“Really, Nate?” She shook her head. “Why’re you so insecure about him? Why’re you still thinking about him?” Her words getting louder as her sadness turned to anger. “After everything we have done and been through, why would you bring him up?”
“ You had his picture up.”
“I can’t believe this is even happening,” she mumbled to herself burying her hands in her face for a brief moment. “Nate… I shared things with you I never shared with him.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yes.” Kerry reached for my hands and tried to look me in the eyes.
“You mean fucking me?” I laughed. “You sure seemed like a pro at that, Kerry.”
I regretted it the moment it
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