Read Online Book of the Dead: A Zombie Anthology by Anthony Giangregorio - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Anthony Giangregorio
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diverted from the creatures escaping their graves like grotesque moths escaping diseased cocoons by the spectacle of the two great nuclear powers on what appeared to be an undivertable col ision course.
There were no zombies in the United States, Tass declared: This was a self-serving lie to camouflage an unforgivable act of chemical warfare against the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Reprisals would fol ow if the dead comrades coming out of their graves did not fal down decently dead within ten days. Al U.S. diplomatic people were expel ed from the mother country and most of her satel ites.
The president (who would not long after become a Zombie Blue Plate Special himself) responded by becoming a pot (which he had come to resemble, having put on at least fifty pounds since his second-term election) cal ing a kettle black. The U.S. government, he told the American people, had incontrovertible evidence that the only walking dead people in the USSR had been set loose deliberately, and while the premier might stand there with his bare face hanging out and claim there were over eight thousand lively corpses striding around Russia in search of the ultimate col ectivism, we had definite proof that there were less than forty. It was the Russians who had committed an act—a heinous act—of chemical warfare, bringing loyal Americans back to life with no urge to consume anything but other loyal Americans, and if these Americans—some of whom had been good Democrats—did not lie down decently dead within the next five days, the USSR was going to be one large slag pit.
The president expel ed al Soviet diplomatic people… with one exception. This was a young fel ow who was teaching him how to play chess (and who was not at al averse to the occasional grope under the table).
Norad was at Defcon-2 when the satel ite was spotted. Or the spaceship. Or the creature. Or whatever in hel ’s name it was. An amateur astronomer from Hinchly-on-Strope in the west of England spotted it first, and this fel ow, who had a deviated septum, fal en arches, and bal s the size of acorns (he was also going bald, and his expanding pate showcased his real y horrible case of psoriasis admirably), probably saved the world from nuclear holocaust.
The missile silos were open al over the world as telescopes in California and Siberia trained on Star Wormwood; they closed only fol owing the horror of Salyut/Eagle-I, which was launched with a crew of six Russians, three Americans, and one Briton only three days fol owing the discovery of Star Wormwood by Humphrey Dagbolt, the amateur astronomer with the deviated septum, et al. He was, of course, the Briton.
And he paid.
They al paid.
* * *
The final sixty-one seconds of received transmission from the Gorbachev/Truman were considered too horrible for release by al three governments involved, and so no formal release was ever made. It didn’t matter, of course; nearly twenty thousand ham operators had been monitoring the craft, and it seemed that at least nineteen thousand of them had been running tape decks when the craft had been—wel , was there real y any other word for it?—invaded.
Russian voice : Worms! It appears to be a massive bal of—
American voice : Christ! Look out! It’s coming for us!
Dagbolt : Some sort of extrusion is occurring. The port-side window is—
Russian voice : Breach! Breach! Suits!
(Indecipherable gabble.)
American voice : —and appears to be eating its way in—
Female Russian voice (Olga Katinya): Oh stop it stop the eyes—
(Sound of an explosion.)
Dagbolt : Explosive decompression has occurred. I see three—no, four—dead—and there are worms… everywhere there are worms—
American voice : Faceplate! Faceplate! Faceplate!
(Screaming.)
Russian voice : Where is my mamma? Where —
(Screams. Sounds like a toothless old man sucking up mashed potatoes.) Dagbolt : The cabin is ful of worms—what appears to be worms, at any rate—which is to say
There were no zombies in the United States, Tass declared: This was a self-serving lie to camouflage an unforgivable act of chemical warfare against the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. Reprisals would fol ow if the dead comrades coming out of their graves did not fal down decently dead within ten days. Al U.S. diplomatic people were expel ed from the mother country and most of her satel ites.
The president (who would not long after become a Zombie Blue Plate Special himself) responded by becoming a pot (which he had come to resemble, having put on at least fifty pounds since his second-term election) cal ing a kettle black. The U.S. government, he told the American people, had incontrovertible evidence that the only walking dead people in the USSR had been set loose deliberately, and while the premier might stand there with his bare face hanging out and claim there were over eight thousand lively corpses striding around Russia in search of the ultimate col ectivism, we had definite proof that there were less than forty. It was the Russians who had committed an act—a heinous act—of chemical warfare, bringing loyal Americans back to life with no urge to consume anything but other loyal Americans, and if these Americans—some of whom had been good Democrats—did not lie down decently dead within the next five days, the USSR was going to be one large slag pit.
The president expel ed al Soviet diplomatic people… with one exception. This was a young fel ow who was teaching him how to play chess (and who was not at al averse to the occasional grope under the table).
Norad was at Defcon-2 when the satel ite was spotted. Or the spaceship. Or the creature. Or whatever in hel ’s name it was. An amateur astronomer from Hinchly-on-Strope in the west of England spotted it first, and this fel ow, who had a deviated septum, fal en arches, and bal s the size of acorns (he was also going bald, and his expanding pate showcased his real y horrible case of psoriasis admirably), probably saved the world from nuclear holocaust.
The missile silos were open al over the world as telescopes in California and Siberia trained on Star Wormwood; they closed only fol owing the horror of Salyut/Eagle-I, which was launched with a crew of six Russians, three Americans, and one Briton only three days fol owing the discovery of Star Wormwood by Humphrey Dagbolt, the amateur astronomer with the deviated septum, et al. He was, of course, the Briton.
And he paid.
They al paid.
* * *
The final sixty-one seconds of received transmission from the Gorbachev/Truman were considered too horrible for release by al three governments involved, and so no formal release was ever made. It didn’t matter, of course; nearly twenty thousand ham operators had been monitoring the craft, and it seemed that at least nineteen thousand of them had been running tape decks when the craft had been—wel , was there real y any other word for it?—invaded.
Russian voice : Worms! It appears to be a massive bal of—
American voice : Christ! Look out! It’s coming for us!
Dagbolt : Some sort of extrusion is occurring. The port-side window is—
Russian voice : Breach! Breach! Suits!
(Indecipherable gabble.)
American voice : —and appears to be eating its way in—
Female Russian voice (Olga Katinya): Oh stop it stop the eyes—
(Sound of an explosion.)
Dagbolt : Explosive decompression has occurred. I see three—no, four—dead—and there are worms… everywhere there are worms—
American voice : Faceplate! Faceplate! Faceplate!
(Screaming.)
Russian voice : Where is my mamma? Where —
(Screams. Sounds like a toothless old man sucking up mashed potatoes.) Dagbolt : The cabin is ful of worms—what appears to be worms, at any rate—which is to say
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