Read Online Billy and Old Smoko by Jack Lasenby - Free Book Online Page A

tusks. “I’ll show you I’m not a fairy story!” he said. He bent his knees, put both arms around the trunk, took a deep breath, and tried to pull up the huge old kahikatea by its roots.
    The earth around it bulged, a root snapped like a .303 going off, and Billy and Old Smoko hung on. The enormous boar pig threw back his long-snouted head, looked up the trunk, and grunted something. Billy curled up his toes as he felt its hot breath on the soles of his bare feet.
    “He is asking, ‘What is your name, cheeky little boy?’” said Old Smoko.
    “Johnny Bryce,” Billy started to say, then remembered his real mother had told him always to tell the truth. “I’m Billy.”
    “Silly Billy,” said the Captain Cooker, “And what’s your funny-looking friend’s name?”
    “Dash his impertinence!” said Old Smoko. “I am not funny-looking! I will have you know, my name is Old Smoko!”

Chapter Fourteen
Why Pigs Cannot Climb Trees, Why Hoary Old Captain Cookers Aren’t Much Chop for Tucker, and the Sulphurous Stink of Hard-Boiled Cabbage.
    â€œH aw! Haw! Haw!” the monster scoffed. “I knew you’d have a funny name.”
    â€œSticks and stones may break my bones,” said Old Smoko, “but names will never hurt me.”
    â€œWe’ll see about that… .” rumbled the Captain Cooker. Billy was finding it easier to understand what he was saying.
    â€œAsk him his name,” Old Smoko whispered. “Politely!”
    â€œPlease, sir, if you don’t mind telling us, what is your name?” Billy called down.
    â€œBert Brute!”
    Old Smoko trembled so the tree shook. “Bert Brute!” he mouthed silently to Billy. “The savagest dog-scoffing Captain Cooker in the length of the Kaimais.”
    â€œYeah, that’s me monicker. I see you’ve heard the name before… .” The monster boar squinted up, his head on one side to see them better. “Billy Boy, Billy Boy, come down and be me friend,” Bert Brute sang out, and Billy understood every word clearly this time.
    â€œIgnore his flattery,” warned Old Smoko. “He just wants you for lunch.”
    â€œShall I take a shot at him?”
    â€œA twenty-two would bounce off that hide and only annoy him.”
    â€œI’m using longs!”
    Old Smoko shook his head. “What can we do?” cried Billy.
    â€œTry telling him, ‘
No, by the hair on my chinny chin chin!’
”
    â€œBut it sounds childish.”
    â€œOf course it does,” said Old Smoko. “But I am unable to think of anything else to say.”
    â€œBilly Boy, Billy Boy, come down and be me friend,” the enormous Captain Cooker repeated.
    â€œ
No, by the hair on my chinny chin chin!
” Billy said and, to his horror, Bert Brute scoffed his tusks and began shinning up the tree.
    â€œHe’s coming up!”
    â€œNever fear! Pigs’ trotters are not adapted for the arboreal life.”
    â€œBut you got up here.”
    â€œI should like to remind you, Billy, I am not a pig!”
    â€œLet me get past you!”
    â€œI repeat: pigs cannot climb.”
    â€œI can feel his hot breath on the soles of my feet!”
    â€œHave confidence in me,” said Old Smoko, gripping the branch above Billy. A second later, Bert Brute uttered a rude word and tumbled to the ground.
    Billy was so relieved, he pointed. “Ha! Ha! Ha!”
    â€œShhh!” whispered Old Smoko.
    Billy giggled. “He looked so undignified!”
    â€œTo mock his dignity is the worst of insults to a sensitive boar pig,” Old Smoko told him, but it was too late.
    â€œI heard that!” Bert Brute bellowed. “About me lookin’ undignified. I’ll fix youse. I’ll bash, and I’ll crash, and I’ll smash your tree down!”
    â€œYou can bash, you can crash, but you won’t smash my tree down,” Billy yelled back. Old Smoko put his finger to his lips and