Read Online Beauty by Raphael Selbourne - Free Book Online Page B

he’d told her – this surely she would understand – by his lack of success. If he sorted himself out financially, maybe even ‘got on the property ladder’ somewhere affordable, perhaps then he could think more clearly about the future.
    He knew he hadn’t dealt with it very well, and so far the physical distance between them hadn’t helped either.She phoned every day to describe at great length the day’s torments and to tell him how much she missed him. He missed her, too, he said. At least he had managed to avoid going to see her. He was tired by driving all week. She said she understood, and hadn’t shown any interest in coming to Wolverhampton.
    The thug from two doors down had been right. Perhaps not ‘fook off’. But Peter knew he had to deal with it properly.
    His thumb pressed the call button and he waited. Kate answered at the second ring.
    ‘Hu-llo?’ She sounded more relaxed, friendly.
    ‘Hi,’ Peter said, tensely. He needed to keep some steel in his voice.
    ‘I’m sorry about earlier. I’ve been feeling really low all day,’ she explained.
    ‘Don’t worry about it.’ He was pleased with his clipped tone and new determination.
    ‘It’s been hard for me, you know … since you went away,’ she said.
    Peter remained silent. Voices passed the window. Let her get it out. He’d wait for his opening.
    ‘I’m not coping very well,’ she went on. ‘It’s knocked my confidence. It’s like I’m being rejected … like I was no good.’
    Peter stifled a groan. Here came the disarming plea to his sense of pity. But he wouldn’t let it work this time.
    ‘Kate, it’s not like that …’
    ‘It hasn’t made me feel very special,’ she said. ‘It’s really undermined my self-esteem, you know?’
    Peter winced at the familiar phrases. She must have been to see her counsellor. She always came back from her appointments belligerent and accusatory. Assertive, she called it.
    ‘You know why I had to get out of London.’ Peterheard the pleading tone in his voice. This wasn’t going how he’d intended.
    There was the sound of a choked sob.
    ‘So, if you had a better job here you’d still want to live with me?’ she asked.
    ‘Of course,’ he lied. This was a disaster.
    ‘You’re not seeing someone else, are you?’
    Peter clenched his fist. ‘No!’
    ‘Do you still love me?’
    Here was his chance. But how could he tell her?
    ‘Of course,’ he said, cursing his weakness. ‘It’s just that … look, maybe we do need to talk.’
    ‘About what?’ Her voice was cold and suspicious.
    ‘I mean … it’s been hard for me too, these last couple of years,’ he said, amazed that such words were coming from his mouth, finally.
    ‘What do you mean “these last couple of years”? What’s been hard?’
    ‘Well. You know. I’ve tried to …’
    ‘To what?’
    ‘To be there for you.’
    Silence.
    Then, ‘Oh, I see! You mean my illness has been hard for you? If you love someone, you help and support them. That’s what people
do
, Peter.’
    ‘That’s what I’ve tried to do.’
    ‘By leaving me without a support network?’
    ‘You’ve got all your friends, and your mum and dad.’
    ‘My parents are no fucking use. What have they ever done for me?’
    ‘You’re all right now, though, aren’t you?’
    ‘Depression’s a mental
illness
. It doesn’t just go away!’
    Peter rubbed his temples, pain creasing his forehead. How long would she persist with this?
    ‘You’re not ill, Kate. It’s all in your head.’
    Silence again.
    ‘Very fucking funny, Peter.
Don’t you dare belittle my suffering!
’
    He could imagine her rocking and hugging herself on the floor next to a radiator. He’d never been able to find out exactly what her suffering consisted of – something about being criticized by an overbearing mother and made to feel worthless. The counsellors she’d seen had convinced her of it, Peter was sure.
    ‘Don’t forget what you put me through two years ago,’