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Authors: Andrew O’Hagan
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more tight-fisted by the week, is that not true, Denise?'
She just laughed at the window and clouded it. She thought her husband and I were deep in conversation, but I saw her lift a finger and draw a heart on the cloudy window and then wipe it clean.
'And I love a drink,' he said, disarmingly. He stared into the fairy lights around the edge of the car's interior. 'I can honestly say I like a good drink more than I like any of my children.'
'Dominic!'
'Well, it's a fact.'
'Today of all days!'
'Never mind,' he said. 'The Father doesn't mind a wee bit of the truth, do you, Father?'
The hotel had tartan carpets and too many balloons. Each table in the reception suite carried several bottles of Frascati surrounded by net bags full of sugared almonds. Mr Nolan gave a speech saying he wasn't losing a daughter but gaining a son. The best man gave a speech saying the groom had lost his virginity round the back of a disco called Caspers, to a bus conductress twice his age. The groom's riposte included the observation that the best man was a 'bammer', whatever that is, along with the point that he first came to admire his new wife because she was a 'mentalist'.
In my own, unscheduled speech, I tried to get into the swing of things by quoting Robert Louis Stevenson on the idea that marriage was a sort of friendship recognised by the policeâtitters into coffee cupsâand then used scripture to argue that matrimony was a sacrament that deepened the couple's union with Christâyawnsâbefore raising one of the toxic glasses and taking my seat to cries of 'Ole, Ole, Olé.' A certain Auntie Mary was sick into a bag of wedding gifts. A certain Uncle Alan threw a punch in the direction of a certain Uncle Stuart, which missed but instead hit a curtain and cracked the panel of light switches behind it. Mrs Nolan complained to the hotel's function manager that the galia melon hadn't been cold. The bar ran out of ice just before the Guinness taps went down, but by then the band had appeared at the edge of the dance floor and the newlyweds were dancing to a song called 'Three Times a Lady'.
'Enjoying yourself, Father?' said Mark.
'I wouldn't go
that
far,' I said.
'This party's great, man,' he said. 'Totally mad.'
'Is that good?'
He cuffed my shoulder with the knuckles of one hand.
'It's cleared up out there,' he said. 'The rain's off. We were just outside. Have you seen the bogs in here? Right fancy. We bought these.'
We were on the carpeted stairs next to a fire extinguisher, and people were pouring up from the downstairs bar. I remember looking at him and thinking how sharp he looked, his tie loose and the skin on his face so clear and fresh. He was showing me a handful of square packages: red-coloured condoms. 'Check them out,' he said. The stairs were cloying with the smell of aftershave and dry smoke. I reached my hand down behind me and felt the cold, soothing roundness of the fire extinguisher.
'Are you trying to shock me, Mark?' I said.
'Do you know what they are?'
'No,' I said, 'but I have a suspicion they might be very evil indeed.'
'McNuggets, stop ribbing him,' said Lisa, coming up from behind and leaning on both our shoulders.
'They are
ribbed,
' said Mark, howling with laughter. 'That's what it says on here.'
'Father, are you having a nice time?' asked Lisa. 'That was cool, what you did today. My sister's a bitch actually.'
They both laughed.
'Well, she is. But never mind. It was nice. Now I've got a room to myself, that's all I care about, so it is. And I keep the stereo.'
'Excuse me, Lisa,' said Mark. 'If you don't mind, I've just been showing Father Anderton these rubber johnnies.'
'Oh, yes,' I said. 'I was very shocked.'
Lisa took a condom from him and pressed it into my hand. 'Now he's holding one!' she said. In that second I saw there was something a little vicious about Lisa; she didn't really care what happened in the world around her, so long as she found something to thrill her.
She just laughed at the window and clouded it. She thought her husband and I were deep in conversation, but I saw her lift a finger and draw a heart on the cloudy window and then wipe it clean.
'And I love a drink,' he said, disarmingly. He stared into the fairy lights around the edge of the car's interior. 'I can honestly say I like a good drink more than I like any of my children.'
'Dominic!'
'Well, it's a fact.'
'Today of all days!'
'Never mind,' he said. 'The Father doesn't mind a wee bit of the truth, do you, Father?'
The hotel had tartan carpets and too many balloons. Each table in the reception suite carried several bottles of Frascati surrounded by net bags full of sugared almonds. Mr Nolan gave a speech saying he wasn't losing a daughter but gaining a son. The best man gave a speech saying the groom had lost his virginity round the back of a disco called Caspers, to a bus conductress twice his age. The groom's riposte included the observation that the best man was a 'bammer', whatever that is, along with the point that he first came to admire his new wife because she was a 'mentalist'.
In my own, unscheduled speech, I tried to get into the swing of things by quoting Robert Louis Stevenson on the idea that marriage was a sort of friendship recognised by the policeâtitters into coffee cupsâand then used scripture to argue that matrimony was a sacrament that deepened the couple's union with Christâyawnsâbefore raising one of the toxic glasses and taking my seat to cries of 'Ole, Ole, Olé.' A certain Auntie Mary was sick into a bag of wedding gifts. A certain Uncle Alan threw a punch in the direction of a certain Uncle Stuart, which missed but instead hit a curtain and cracked the panel of light switches behind it. Mrs Nolan complained to the hotel's function manager that the galia melon hadn't been cold. The bar ran out of ice just before the Guinness taps went down, but by then the band had appeared at the edge of the dance floor and the newlyweds were dancing to a song called 'Three Times a Lady'.
'Enjoying yourself, Father?' said Mark.
'I wouldn't go
that
far,' I said.
'This party's great, man,' he said. 'Totally mad.'
'Is that good?'
He cuffed my shoulder with the knuckles of one hand.
'It's cleared up out there,' he said. 'The rain's off. We were just outside. Have you seen the bogs in here? Right fancy. We bought these.'
We were on the carpeted stairs next to a fire extinguisher, and people were pouring up from the downstairs bar. I remember looking at him and thinking how sharp he looked, his tie loose and the skin on his face so clear and fresh. He was showing me a handful of square packages: red-coloured condoms. 'Check them out,' he said. The stairs were cloying with the smell of aftershave and dry smoke. I reached my hand down behind me and felt the cold, soothing roundness of the fire extinguisher.
'Are you trying to shock me, Mark?' I said.
'Do you know what they are?'
'No,' I said, 'but I have a suspicion they might be very evil indeed.'
'McNuggets, stop ribbing him,' said Lisa, coming up from behind and leaning on both our shoulders.
'They are
ribbed,
' said Mark, howling with laughter. 'That's what it says on here.'
'Father, are you having a nice time?' asked Lisa. 'That was cool, what you did today. My sister's a bitch actually.'
They both laughed.
'Well, she is. But never mind. It was nice. Now I've got a room to myself, that's all I care about, so it is. And I keep the stereo.'
'Excuse me, Lisa,' said Mark. 'If you don't mind, I've just been showing Father Anderton these rubber johnnies.'
'Oh, yes,' I said. 'I was very shocked.'
Lisa took a condom from him and pressed it into my hand. 'Now he's holding one!' she said. In that second I saw there was something a little vicious about Lisa; she didn't really care what happened in the world around her, so long as she found something to thrill her.
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