Read Online Bang Bang You're Dead by Narinder Dhami - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Narinder Dhami
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'Of course not. Then I feel like I'm stuck at the bottom of a deep, dark hole and there's no way for me ever to climb out. But that's the payback, Mia. It's a trade-off, one for the other.'
I told Jamie all this, a few months after Grandpa's death when Mum's behaviour was changing once more. But Jamie's attitude did not soften.
'If Mum wants to do whatever she likes, then she shouldn't have had kids, should she?' he retorted, his face set and hard, determined not to try and understand. 'She never thought about us. '
'That's simplistic, Jamie,' I argued. 'Life doesn't always work out like that.'
'And don't I know it?' Jamie had muttered, turning his back on me.
It's never easy to look back and see where a problem situation began, but I would guess that this moment marked the beginning of the breakdown of the relationship between Jamie and me. We'd always had each other to depend on, and I could rely on Jamie for support, but suddenly he seemed to be working to a completely different agenda. He withdrew completely, both physically and emotionally, washing his hands of Mum and her illness and the day-to-day problems it caused, and yet he kept on and on nagging me to do something about it.
We struggled on for months after Grandpa died, although I found it increasingly hard to leave Mum at home when she was in a depressive state. I ended up taking the odd day off school to keep an eye on her. Jamie refused to help. Mum sometimes talked about ending it all, which completely terrified me, but I don't think she'd ever actually tried it. It was perfectly possible, though, that she'd attempted to harm herself in the past and Grandpa had kept it from us.
The manic side of Mum's behaviour seemed to be getting worse. She was out all day spending money we didn't have, and then out all night clubbing. In desperation, Jamie stole and hid Mum's credit cards, but a few days later she was out shopping again. I told Jamie she'd found the cards. The truth was, I gave them back because I felt so sorry for her. I know I'm a fool, and Jamie knew it too. He was raging, but this time he was furious with me rather than Mum. He disappeared that Friday night and didn't come back till late on Saturday afternoon. Mum was out partying and she didn't come home either.
So I sat on my own in that dark, tumbledown old house, absolutely terrified that neither of them would ever come back and I'd be left on my own.
Jamie was first to return. I was desperate to be cool and restrained, but when I saw him, I burst into noisy tears of relief. At one time Jamie would have comforted me straight away, but not now. He stood watching me with a strange, unreadable look on his face.
'I thought you weren't going to come back,' I gulped.
'One day I might not,' Jamie said soberly.
That was the very first time he said it.
Mum eventually came home too, but her wild and reckless lifestyle continued. I was hardly getting any sleep, waiting for her to come in every night. For God's sake, Jamie and I were supposed to be the teenagers, not her.
'This stops now, ' Jamie said savagely after we'd walked into the kitchen and found a strange man in his underwear, making tea, for the third morning in a row. The man looked extremely embarrassed, dropping the hot tea bag he'd just fished out of the mug onto his bare foot.
'Sorry, didn't realize there was anyone else here,' he'd mumbled, hopping around the kitchen clutching his burned toe. Then he'd fled upstairs to Mum's room to collect his clothes.
'This stops now,' Jamie had repeated, staring at me challengingly. 'Mum has to go back to the doctor, Mia.'
I tried to keep my face neutral and not show what I felt. I was tired and I was worried and I just wanted everything and everyone to go away and leave me alone. I wanted Jamie to deal with it all. But I had already realized that my instinctive negative reaction to everything, my immediate conviction that I could not and would not cope, was beginning to irritate Jamie
I told Jamie all this, a few months after Grandpa's death when Mum's behaviour was changing once more. But Jamie's attitude did not soften.
'If Mum wants to do whatever she likes, then she shouldn't have had kids, should she?' he retorted, his face set and hard, determined not to try and understand. 'She never thought about us. '
'That's simplistic, Jamie,' I argued. 'Life doesn't always work out like that.'
'And don't I know it?' Jamie had muttered, turning his back on me.
It's never easy to look back and see where a problem situation began, but I would guess that this moment marked the beginning of the breakdown of the relationship between Jamie and me. We'd always had each other to depend on, and I could rely on Jamie for support, but suddenly he seemed to be working to a completely different agenda. He withdrew completely, both physically and emotionally, washing his hands of Mum and her illness and the day-to-day problems it caused, and yet he kept on and on nagging me to do something about it.
We struggled on for months after Grandpa died, although I found it increasingly hard to leave Mum at home when she was in a depressive state. I ended up taking the odd day off school to keep an eye on her. Jamie refused to help. Mum sometimes talked about ending it all, which completely terrified me, but I don't think she'd ever actually tried it. It was perfectly possible, though, that she'd attempted to harm herself in the past and Grandpa had kept it from us.
The manic side of Mum's behaviour seemed to be getting worse. She was out all day spending money we didn't have, and then out all night clubbing. In desperation, Jamie stole and hid Mum's credit cards, but a few days later she was out shopping again. I told Jamie she'd found the cards. The truth was, I gave them back because I felt so sorry for her. I know I'm a fool, and Jamie knew it too. He was raging, but this time he was furious with me rather than Mum. He disappeared that Friday night and didn't come back till late on Saturday afternoon. Mum was out partying and she didn't come home either.
So I sat on my own in that dark, tumbledown old house, absolutely terrified that neither of them would ever come back and I'd be left on my own.
Jamie was first to return. I was desperate to be cool and restrained, but when I saw him, I burst into noisy tears of relief. At one time Jamie would have comforted me straight away, but not now. He stood watching me with a strange, unreadable look on his face.
'I thought you weren't going to come back,' I gulped.
'One day I might not,' Jamie said soberly.
That was the very first time he said it.
Mum eventually came home too, but her wild and reckless lifestyle continued. I was hardly getting any sleep, waiting for her to come in every night. For God's sake, Jamie and I were supposed to be the teenagers, not her.
'This stops now, ' Jamie said savagely after we'd walked into the kitchen and found a strange man in his underwear, making tea, for the third morning in a row. The man looked extremely embarrassed, dropping the hot tea bag he'd just fished out of the mug onto his bare foot.
'Sorry, didn't realize there was anyone else here,' he'd mumbled, hopping around the kitchen clutching his burned toe. Then he'd fled upstairs to Mum's room to collect his clothes.
'This stops now,' Jamie had repeated, staring at me challengingly. 'Mum has to go back to the doctor, Mia.'
I tried to keep my face neutral and not show what I felt. I was tired and I was worried and I just wanted everything and everyone to go away and leave me alone. I wanted Jamie to deal with it all. But I had already realized that my instinctive negative reaction to everything, my immediate conviction that I could not and would not cope, was beginning to irritate Jamie
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