Read Online Bagmen (A Victor Carl Novel) by William Lashner - Free Book Online Page A

and then to lie to my face. What must he think of me?”
    “Maybe that you went to NYU. So what was the giveaway, the tell? Let me put it in my book of things not to do when I’m cheating on my mistress.”
    “Do you have a mistress, too?”
    “Not yet, but we all have aspirations. Was it lipstick on the collar? A strange perfume?”
    “Lipstick or perfume could just be from his wife.”
    “Who he’s cheating on with you.”
    “Right. No, it was the condoms.”
    “Ahh, the condoms.” I nodded sagely. “You’d be surprised how often it is the condoms. What did he do, write the wrong name on them?”
    “Do men do that? I mean, really?”
    “No.”
    “Good, because that would be creepy. I have to buy them for us—he can’t very well go into a store and pick up a box, now can he? I mean it would be all over the front page of the Daily News .”
    “I can imagine the headline.”
    “‘Congressional Party Hat,’ ” she said.
    “‘Political Rubber Match.’ ”
    “I counted the number in the box I bought and there were too many missing. I counted twice to be sure. The son of a bitch is using my rubbers to screw someone else. Can you imagine?”
    “I’m actually impressed. He got you to buy his rubbers for him. Maybe I should put in an order, too. Two boxes, extra large.”
    “Really?” One eye squinted in disbelief. “What’s your shoe size?”
    “Ten,” I said, and then after a slight pause, I added, “and a half. So that’s why you want to kill yourself, the condoms?”
    “You don’t seem so concerned that I’ll go through with it.”
    I stood up and spread my arms. “It’s late, I’m tired, and you’re too smart to be counting condoms. Give me the knife.”
    She looked at me a moment, looked down at the knife, and placed it on the coffee table. I leaned over, picked it up, whirled, and tossed it for effect at her wall. I wanted it to stick in with a thud and then twang back and forth with that ominous sound, but it didn’t stick. It just sort of slammed against the wall and clattered on the floor.
    “I’m going home,” I said. “I’m going to sleep for a week and forget that I was ever here. You don’t want to kill yourself, you just don’t want to be ignored. Try the rabbit and don’t forget to tip your waiter. How’d you meet the Congressman anyway?”
    “I write for the City Weekly .”
    “The free rag? Nice gig.”
    “I majored in journalism.”
    “At Barnard.”
    “Well, I took advanced courses at the Columbia School of Journalism. And I was assigned to write a profile on Congressman Peter J. DeMathis, and I was impressed with what I saw. He seemed to really care about things.”
    “A politician who seems to really care? Boy, that’s a new one. And to prove how much he cared, he screwed you in his socks.”
    “Why would I be wearing his socks?”
    “Good night,” I said.
    “Nothing happened while I was writing the article, I’ll have you know. I’m a journalist, I have my standards. But after my profile came out, he called to thank me and we ended up having drinks, and things sort of—”
    “I get it.”
    “—happened.”
    I looked around at the town house. “Does he put you up here?”
    “That would make me a whore. No, this is mine.”
    “I didn’t know the City Weekly paid so well.”
    “I get some help.”
    “Are Mommy and Daddy tired of supporting you?”
    “Not yet, but they’re getting there.”
    “Can I give you some advice, Amanda, good serious advice?”
    “Please, God, no.”
    “Men don’t like crazy, especially married men. They want sane and fun and young and beautiful, and you’re already three out of four.”
    “You don’t think I’m too fat?”
    “If you’re too fat, then I’m too smart, and we both know that’s not true, because I’m here. If you want him to stop cheating on you, then don’t give him any of the crazy. No more phone calls threatening to kill yourself, no more wild scenes about missing condoms, no more