you?
Kathy Fowler did none of these things, so Carlos and Charlie are confused.
“Clumsy oaf!” Carlos whispers. “Get your gun out. Pray she doesn’t shoot us first.”
“Your fault,” Charlie whispers back. “You stopped short.”
“You’ve always been clumsy.”
“I’m light on my feet,” Charlie says. “Everyone says so.”
“What they say is you’re light in the loafers.”
“Same thing.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Give it a rest, okay? Now turn so I can cover the bedroom door.”
Carlos whispers, “What if she comes from the kitchen?”
“Then she’ll have a knife, not a gun. If you see her, give a shout, and we’ll turn that way. I’ll have time to shoot her.”
“If she comes from the kitchen, just pass me the gun, dick breath.”
“ You ? Are you kidding me? You’re the worst shooter on earth! You couldn’t hit her if her tit was stuck in your gun barrel!”
“Fine. If she comes from the kitchen, we’ll spin clockwise.”
“I’m faster counter-clockwise.”
“You’re also clumsier. Note the lamp on the floor.”
See? This is the problem with being Siamese twin killers for hire. Carlos and Charlie are conjoined at the hip, shoulder, and neck, possessing two heads, two arms, and four legs between them.
“Where’s Kathy?” Charlie says. “She must’ve heard the noise.”
“Maybe she’s in the shower.”
“Maybe she called 911.”
“Shit!” Carlos says. “You’re right. She’s probably hiding somewhere, while remaining on the line.”
“Remaining?”
“That’s what the 911 operators tell you to do. ‘Remain on the line.’”
“You didn’t cut the phone line?”
Due to the way their heads are positioned, Carlos’s neck lacks the range of motion needed to see his brother’s face. But if he could see Charlie’s face right now, he’d give him a withering look.
“Yeah,” Carlos says. “I cut the phone cord while you were knocking over the lamp. Then I humped Kathy in the bedroom while you played show tunes on the piano.”
“You don’t have to be a smart ass.”
“I started life as a dumb ass but people kept calling me Charlie.”
“Hilarious. Is there a phone on your side?”
Carlos looks around. “Yeah. End table, by the sofa.”
“Lead the way, please.”
They shuffle to the phone. Carlos picks it up, listens.
“Well?” Charlie says.
“Dial tone.”
“Good. Let’s check the shower.”
“I want first look,” Carlos says.
“What if she’s hiding in there with Chris’s gun?”
“Good point. You lead. But if she’s in the shower, I want to see.”
“Pervert!”
“At least I’m straight!”
“At least I’m not!”
They shuffle quietly to the hallway, work their way to the master bath. Charlie sees Kathy on her knees with her rear end facing him, her torso leaning over the edge of the tub.
Charlie cocks his gun, says, “Kathy? Sweetie? Don’t move a muscle, okay?”
She doesn’t. Not a muscle.
“What’s happening?” Carlos says.
“She’s either deaf or dead.”
“She’s not deaf.”
“How do you know?”
“Chris would’ve told us. Move up so I can see.”
“Look in the mirror.”
Carlos does. Then says, “What the hell are you wearing?”
Charlie’s hand instinctively moves to his neck. “Nothing.”
“Are those mom’s necklaces?”
“I brought them for good luck.”
“How many are you wearing?”
“Three.”
“What if we’d gotten in a scuffle and one of them broke?”
“I suppose we’d have to gather up the little pearls.”
“What if we had to make a run for it?”
“Run?” Charlie says. “Are you kidding me? It took us a full minute to get from the den to the bathroom!”
“Figure of speech.”
“We couldn’t outrun a sloth on propofol!”
“You made your point, Charlie. Mine is this: hit men don’t wear pearls.”
“We could start a new trend.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“Look, it’s bad enough you wear a Velcro bra and
Kathy Fowler did none of these things, so Carlos and Charlie are confused.
“Clumsy oaf!” Carlos whispers. “Get your gun out. Pray she doesn’t shoot us first.”
“Your fault,” Charlie whispers back. “You stopped short.”
“You’ve always been clumsy.”
“I’m light on my feet,” Charlie says. “Everyone says so.”
“What they say is you’re light in the loafers.”
“Same thing.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Give it a rest, okay? Now turn so I can cover the bedroom door.”
Carlos whispers, “What if she comes from the kitchen?”
“Then she’ll have a knife, not a gun. If you see her, give a shout, and we’ll turn that way. I’ll have time to shoot her.”
“If she comes from the kitchen, just pass me the gun, dick breath.”
“ You ? Are you kidding me? You’re the worst shooter on earth! You couldn’t hit her if her tit was stuck in your gun barrel!”
“Fine. If she comes from the kitchen, we’ll spin clockwise.”
“I’m faster counter-clockwise.”
“You’re also clumsier. Note the lamp on the floor.”
See? This is the problem with being Siamese twin killers for hire. Carlos and Charlie are conjoined at the hip, shoulder, and neck, possessing two heads, two arms, and four legs between them.
“Where’s Kathy?” Charlie says. “She must’ve heard the noise.”
“Maybe she’s in the shower.”
“Maybe she called 911.”
“Shit!” Carlos says. “You’re right. She’s probably hiding somewhere, while remaining on the line.”
“Remaining?”
“That’s what the 911 operators tell you to do. ‘Remain on the line.’”
“You didn’t cut the phone line?”
Due to the way their heads are positioned, Carlos’s neck lacks the range of motion needed to see his brother’s face. But if he could see Charlie’s face right now, he’d give him a withering look.
“Yeah,” Carlos says. “I cut the phone cord while you were knocking over the lamp. Then I humped Kathy in the bedroom while you played show tunes on the piano.”
“You don’t have to be a smart ass.”
“I started life as a dumb ass but people kept calling me Charlie.”
“Hilarious. Is there a phone on your side?”
Carlos looks around. “Yeah. End table, by the sofa.”
“Lead the way, please.”
They shuffle to the phone. Carlos picks it up, listens.
“Well?” Charlie says.
“Dial tone.”
“Good. Let’s check the shower.”
“I want first look,” Carlos says.
“What if she’s hiding in there with Chris’s gun?”
“Good point. You lead. But if she’s in the shower, I want to see.”
“Pervert!”
“At least I’m straight!”
“At least I’m not!”
They shuffle quietly to the hallway, work their way to the master bath. Charlie sees Kathy on her knees with her rear end facing him, her torso leaning over the edge of the tub.
Charlie cocks his gun, says, “Kathy? Sweetie? Don’t move a muscle, okay?”
She doesn’t. Not a muscle.
“What’s happening?” Carlos says.
“She’s either deaf or dead.”
“She’s not deaf.”
“How do you know?”
“Chris would’ve told us. Move up so I can see.”
“Look in the mirror.”
Carlos does. Then says, “What the hell are you wearing?”
Charlie’s hand instinctively moves to his neck. “Nothing.”
“Are those mom’s necklaces?”
“I brought them for good luck.”
“How many are you wearing?”
“Three.”
“What if we’d gotten in a scuffle and one of them broke?”
“I suppose we’d have to gather up the little pearls.”
“What if we had to make a run for it?”
“Run?” Charlie says. “Are you kidding me? It took us a full minute to get from the den to the bathroom!”
“Figure of speech.”
“We couldn’t outrun a sloth on propofol!”
“You made your point, Charlie. Mine is this: hit men don’t wear pearls.”
“We could start a new trend.”
“I don’t think so.”
“Why not?”
“Look, it’s bad enough you wear a Velcro bra and
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