Read Online Babyhood (9780062098788) by Paul Reiser - Free Book Online Page B

At one point I gave our whole medical history to a guy everyone kept calling “Doctor Cooper” only to find out he had a Ph.D. in art history and his wife happened to be in labor, too.
    E ventually, someone led us to our room—a doctor or a nurse, or an unbelievably conscientious ice cream man. All I know is they were wearing white, and I was thrilled to see them.
    And I remember lots of different people coming in with different stuff to do different things, the net result of which was that my wife was, in a matter of minutes, transformed from a Pregnant Woman into a Patient. Seeing her in her little standard-issue hospital gown and wristband, with her very own tan plastic pitcher of ice water nearby, I got very sad. Up to this point, we had been really lucky; since we’d been together, neither of us had ever been in a hospital. But now, here she was, in a little bed in the corner, with a button that you hit if you need a doctor real fast. Just like sick people. And I could see it was spooking her, too.
    I sat on the edge of her bed and stroked her face.
    â€œHow you doing?”
    I swear, there are only so many different ways you can ask that question.
    Her response surprised me.
    â€œI want you to promise you’ll remarry.”
    â€œBeg your pardon?”
    â€œIf anything ever happens to me, I want you to marry someone and get on with your life.”
    â€œWhat are you talking about?”
    â€œI mean, I don’t want you to totally forget about me either. You know . . . you could be sad periodically , and maybe you wouldn’t necessarily take her to places that you and I always went to, but I would want you to be happy.”
    â€œFirst of all—you’re a big nut.”
    â€œI’m serious.”
    â€œYou’re going to be fine. Nothing’s going to happen.”
    â€œIt might. You don’t know. What was that movie . . . ?”
    â€œWhat movie?”
    â€œThe movie where the mother was giving birth and they helped pull out the baby but the mother died?”
    â€œCity Slickers?”
    â€œYeah.”
    â€œSweetie, that was a cow. ”
    â€œEven so, remember? She thought everything was going to be fine, too, and then look what happened.”
    â€œHoney, that’s so totally a different thing. First of all, the cow was living outdoors in bad weather for, like, thirty years. And second of all, it was a movie. And also keep in mind, that cow didn’t have me. ”
    That seemed to work. She smiled.
    â€œI love you.”
    â€œHey, what are you, kidding me?” I said. “I’m the one who loves you. ”
    I don’t remember any other day in my life where I went through every emotion there is. Inside of twenty-four hours, I felt joy, fear, love, anger, helplessness, wonder, and a numbness in my right hip from sitting funny on my wife’s bed, which I know is not an emotion, but it’s something I went through and why keep it a secret? There’s a reason you can only go through all this at most every nine months. More often would be just unreasonable.
    A t some point, my wife’s best friend came in. She had gone through this herself a couple of times and was someone my wife really wanted around. And while I had agreed to her being there, and was grateful for the support she provided, I have to admit it bugged me.
    She’s one of these women who speaks in really supportive tones, offering a nonstop stream of unconditional love that I really admire but can’t help but make fun of.
    â€œIsn’t she doing great?” she asked me every thirty seconds.
    â€œBoy, she sure is.”
    â€œYou are doing so-ooooo great,” she reiterated to my wife, clutching her hand tightly in her own.
    â€œYeah, sweetie, you really are,” I threw in weakly from behind.
    Now, I’m very well aware that if you ever plan on being totally selfless, the hour your wife gives birth to your child is as good