Read Online Assholes Finish First by Tucker Max, Maddox - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Tucker Max, Maddox
Tags: Humor, Fiction, General, Humorous, Biography & Autobiography, Sex, Biography, Autobiography, Form, Anecdotes, American Satire And Humor, Subculture, Drinking of alcoholic beverages, Form - Anecdotes, Max; Tucker
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the desk sergeant came over with a giant brown roll of industrial-strength paper towels.
DeskSergeant “He’s your friend?”
Nils “I guess.”
DeskSergeant “Then you’re cleaning it up.”
The desk sergeant handed me the paper towel roll and walked away. There was no way I was actually cleaning that shit up. I wasn’t the one who thought it was a good idea to deep-throat a CamelBak full of vodka.
I did the next best thing. I unrolled nearly the entire roll and gently laid layer upon layer of towel on top of the stagnating pool of TuckerPuke. This must have satisfied the desk sergeant, or he didn’t bother to check back with me, because he didn’t call my name again until it was time for my release, sometime around 2am. You were still passed out.”
I present to you the actual mug shots from that night:
And the funniest police report ever written:
The Capitol City Clown Crawl is still an annual event in Austin, and though J.D. Horne no longer runs it, he and I still attend, dressed as clowns of course. If you ever go, I would advise you not to act like I did.
Unless, you know… you’re an asshole.
T HE DC H ALLOWEEN P ARTY AND THE W ORST G IRL I E VER F UCKED
Occurred—October 2001
My friends and I graduated from Duke in May of 2001. After graduation, our jobs took us to different cities. Everyone else worked for various law firms and I worked for my dad’s restaurant business in Florida. Within a few months, we independently came to the same conclusion: Work sucks.
The biggest difference between school and work is not free time, not responsibility, not money, not even access to college bars and parties. The biggest difference is hope. When you’re still in school, no matter what is going wrong or how bad it gets, you know it’s going to end. You know school will eventually be over and you can move on to something different. You know you have another chance, because your “real life” is still in front of you.
It’s not like that with work. Once you are done with school and get a job, that’s it. That
is
real life, that
is
what you’ve been working toward in school… and if you hate your job or what’s going on with your life, there isn’t an obvious end to it or an obvious escape. I mean, besides alcohol. We were slowly realizing that the “real life” we’d chosen really fucking sucked. A lot.
As a way to relieve this post-school malaise, we decided to pick a city and all travel there to celebrate Halloween as a group. PWJ suggested Washington, DC. His little sister was having a huge Halloween party ather house in Arlington (just across the Potomac in northern Virginia), and she was going to have so many girls at her party that she actually asked PWJ to invite his guy friends:
“PWJ, please bring your friends. I’m worried that this will be like the 4th of July party I had. There were 100 girls and only 25 guys. All my single friends were bored.”
PWJ added that his sister’s friends fell into two groups:
1. Elementary school teachers (her current occupation)
2. Sorority girls recently graduated from Southern colleges (her previous occupation)
Plane tickets were purchased post haste.
I arrived in town a day before everyone else. It wasn’t for an extra day of drinking, though I can always use that. I came early to cheer up Hate and SlingBlade. As much as the rest of us were starting to hate our lives, it was WAY worse for those two, because they didn’t even have real jobs to hate. When we graduated, they were the only two of our group who didn’t have law firm jobs waiting for them. Now, six months later, they still hadn’t found permanent law firm jobs and were relegated to doing document review to survive (essentially legal temps, REALLY shitty work).
They tried to joke about it, but you could tell it was not good. Two months before Halloween, in an email chain where we were all bitching to each other about our lives, Hate sent this email:
From: Hate
To: Tucker
DeskSergeant “He’s your friend?”
Nils “I guess.”
DeskSergeant “Then you’re cleaning it up.”
The desk sergeant handed me the paper towel roll and walked away. There was no way I was actually cleaning that shit up. I wasn’t the one who thought it was a good idea to deep-throat a CamelBak full of vodka.
I did the next best thing. I unrolled nearly the entire roll and gently laid layer upon layer of towel on top of the stagnating pool of TuckerPuke. This must have satisfied the desk sergeant, or he didn’t bother to check back with me, because he didn’t call my name again until it was time for my release, sometime around 2am. You were still passed out.”
I present to you the actual mug shots from that night:
And the funniest police report ever written:
The Capitol City Clown Crawl is still an annual event in Austin, and though J.D. Horne no longer runs it, he and I still attend, dressed as clowns of course. If you ever go, I would advise you not to act like I did.
Unless, you know… you’re an asshole.
T HE DC H ALLOWEEN P ARTY AND THE W ORST G IRL I E VER F UCKED
Occurred—October 2001
My friends and I graduated from Duke in May of 2001. After graduation, our jobs took us to different cities. Everyone else worked for various law firms and I worked for my dad’s restaurant business in Florida. Within a few months, we independently came to the same conclusion: Work sucks.
The biggest difference between school and work is not free time, not responsibility, not money, not even access to college bars and parties. The biggest difference is hope. When you’re still in school, no matter what is going wrong or how bad it gets, you know it’s going to end. You know school will eventually be over and you can move on to something different. You know you have another chance, because your “real life” is still in front of you.
It’s not like that with work. Once you are done with school and get a job, that’s it. That
is
real life, that
is
what you’ve been working toward in school… and if you hate your job or what’s going on with your life, there isn’t an obvious end to it or an obvious escape. I mean, besides alcohol. We were slowly realizing that the “real life” we’d chosen really fucking sucked. A lot.
As a way to relieve this post-school malaise, we decided to pick a city and all travel there to celebrate Halloween as a group. PWJ suggested Washington, DC. His little sister was having a huge Halloween party ather house in Arlington (just across the Potomac in northern Virginia), and she was going to have so many girls at her party that she actually asked PWJ to invite his guy friends:
“PWJ, please bring your friends. I’m worried that this will be like the 4th of July party I had. There were 100 girls and only 25 guys. All my single friends were bored.”
PWJ added that his sister’s friends fell into two groups:
1. Elementary school teachers (her current occupation)
2. Sorority girls recently graduated from Southern colleges (her previous occupation)
Plane tickets were purchased post haste.
I arrived in town a day before everyone else. It wasn’t for an extra day of drinking, though I can always use that. I came early to cheer up Hate and SlingBlade. As much as the rest of us were starting to hate our lives, it was WAY worse for those two, because they didn’t even have real jobs to hate. When we graduated, they were the only two of our group who didn’t have law firm jobs waiting for them. Now, six months later, they still hadn’t found permanent law firm jobs and were relegated to doing document review to survive (essentially legal temps, REALLY shitty work).
They tried to joke about it, but you could tell it was not good. Two months before Halloween, in an email chain where we were all bitching to each other about our lives, Hate sent this email:
From: Hate
To: Tucker
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